Had enough of FM brother and Dad going along with it

  • 13 Replies
  • 768 Views
*

p123

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1461
Had enough of FM brother and Dad going along with it
« on: June 28, 2021, 06:12:05 AM »
Its happening all the time now. I dont speak to brother because he disagrees with how often I visit Dad.
Of course, Dad goes along with this and I'm the big bad one now and hes the GC.

Caught him out a few months ago where brother lost his temper and told me him and Dad had been talking about me. He managed to wangle his way out of it.
Thats it with Dad its impossible to have an argument with him. I dont know how he does it - its like magic lol.

He starts on something, pushes it so far, then will back down if it doesnt work. Same with arguments, he will back right down......

Anyway, Friday my son had to have a covid test. So Dad says "so you're not visiting the weekend?". I wasn't anyway!
But no we're all got to wait for the result (He had this this am and its negative).

But Dad phoned my last night. "I've heard they give you the result straight away, someone told me". Straight away I knew - brother again. Sounds like they've had another conversation about big bad p123 and how he lies so he doesnt have to visit his poor sick Dad. OMG I've had enough...

For starters, of course you dont get the result straight away. Dad said "they tell you if its positive straight away you only have to wait a few days if its negative".  Right OK.......
Its lucky the country isnt run by this pair of geniuses.

I've had enough of it now. Dad believes everything brother says to him. Its just so obvious whats going on behing the scenes here.
I really need some space from Dad right now..... No contact sounds perfect to me!

*

Duck

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 134
Re: Had enough of FM brother and Dad going along with it
« Reply #1 on: July 04, 2021, 02:14:41 AM »
When I read your posts, it is clear you have a full life with your own family. Any sane person would not expect you to drop everything you are doing for your dad. Even if brother and father never  understand, the rest of the planet knows you are in the right. You can rest easy and focus on your wife and children knowing you have behaved honorably and reasonably. Much support to you. I agree with whoever said you can let some phone calls go to voicemail. You can let them go without guilt and not check them until you feel like it.

*

p123

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1461
Re: Had enough of FM brother and Dad going along with it
« Reply #2 on: July 05, 2021, 08:20:42 AM »
When I read your posts, it is clear you have a full life with your own family. Any sane person would not expect you to drop everything you are doing for your dad. Even if brother and father never  understand, the rest of the planet knows you are in the right. You can rest easy and focus on your wife and children knowing you have behaved honorably and reasonably. Much support to you. I agree with whoever said you can let some phone calls go to voicemail. You can let them go without guilt and not check them until you feel like it.

thanks duck

*

p123

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1461
Re: Had enough of FM brother and Dad going along with it
« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2021, 04:52:38 PM »
Did well this week. Made a mistake of telling Dad I was away next weekend from Thursday to Monday first though....

Of course, he must have told FM brother who then tells Dad hes working 12 hour shifts that same weekend. Hes done it about 10 times before its just SO obvious. A few years ago I blocked him on facebook because I'd put pics of me out with my kids and he'd comment things like "how about you take dad out some time instead".

So we don't speak but he hates it that I dont visit Dad at weekends and thinks if I ever get any spare time at weekends it should be spent with Dad. Umm no.

So Dad tells me this yeh right ignore. "So do you have to go Thursday?" YES
"so do you have to stay till monday?" YES
"I dont know what Im going to do about shopping?" Ah the old grocery game again. Its 5 days plan ahead or get it delivered.
So he ups it "you'll HAVE to visit Wednesday then?" Umm Have to? "I'll see if Im busy".
So he ups it again "I want you to make real effort to visit on Wednesday"

Keep calm, keep calm, we've had about 20 discussions about his use of the term "make an effort" and I've explaind 20 times, its not about effort. its about availabilty i.e. childcare. So he did this on purpose to get a reaction. I replied "If I'm not busy"

Final comment "Oh dear oh dear oh dear, what am I going to do if you can't visit I wont have any food". Crazy isnt it? Drama for the sake of it.
"Bye Dad got to go, speak soon".

Im getting better :-)

*

Andeza

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1112
Re: Had enough of FM brother and Dad going along with it
« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2021, 05:50:21 PM »
Yes, that is better p123. Much better. You kept it simple, didn't dither or try to explain or argue. Very good.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

*

square

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 548
Re: Had enough of FM brother and Dad going along with it
« Reply #5 on: July 25, 2021, 07:19:52 PM »
 :banana:

You SLAM DUNKED that.

*

Cat of the Canals

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 690
Re: Had enough of FM brother and Dad going along with it
« Reply #6 on: July 25, 2021, 09:11:17 PM »
You handled that really well. It's funny how if you just come up with your own broken record response ("If I'm not busy.") to counter their broken record demands ("But you HAVE TO!"), they just go in circles and get nowhere.  :yes:

*

Sidney37

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 722
Re: Had enough of FM brother and Dad going along with it
« Reply #7 on: July 26, 2021, 10:00:28 AM »
Yes!  Congratulations.  Sometimes it does take your own message to make it feel comfortable to say.  People here recommend things to me, but once it was in my own words, it felt easier.  Finally being totally frustrated helps, too.  Good job setting a boundary!

*

p123

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1461
Re: Had enough of FM brother and Dad going along with it
« Reply #8 on: July 26, 2021, 12:37:08 PM »
Its hard I must admit. I think, with me, I finally thought "hang on why do I need permission to make my own plans?"
Of course, I don't and if hes going to make stupid comment then I dont tell him my plans.

Trouble is brother is 100% all for Dad now. He never used to be. His life is at a point where its easy for him, no kids to look after etc, and he thinks he has a right to tell everyone else to do the same as him.

Dad although does love the fuss my brother gives him. He says not but he does. Of course, the more brother fusses the more helpless Dad becomes.
I mean he washes, dresses, cooks etc. OK his mobility isnt brilliant but if cant plan ahead to last 5 days without groceries then theres something wrong. Of course, these days with home delivery etc but sometimes I think Dad likes being helpless.

His number is being blocked as well this weekend. Past experience has shown, either brother will try it on, or Dad will see some sort of drama and they'll try and ring me. I'll be 2 1/2 hours drive away so in an emergency its no good calling me. Phone signal will probably be ropey too.

I know a lot of people (not so much on here) will think its harsh being unvailable like that. But the boy who cried wolf and all that. I probably told the story about how, between the pair of them, they did their best to ruin my last music festival trip a few years ago with pointless drama,

*

square

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 548
Re: Had enough of FM brother and Dad going along with it
« Reply #9 on: July 26, 2021, 12:56:20 PM »
I think youíve just hit some milestones.

1) Something in you clicked and you stopped trying to explain it to Dad. You have now ACCEPTED that he wonít change (you knew it before but was still fighting it).

2) You now accept that YOU get to decide how you spend your time.

3) You are willing to take steps to protect YOUR boundaries (blocking him for the weekend) rather than trying to control HIM (trying to explain to him why he should not bother you this weekend).

4) Youíre willing to let go of some of the Obligation. You seem (at least mostly) comfortable with the idea of letting Dad sort out his manufactured issues this weekend, and not being available to participate in the drama.

I think this is big for you. Of course you are still frustrated but you are dropping the rope. Iím guessing it wonít suddenly be a breeze, but Iím also guessing your burden may feel noticably lighter.

*

p123

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1461
Re: Had enough of FM brother and Dad going along with it
« Reply #10 on: July 27, 2021, 06:26:17 AM »
Im getting there albeit VERY slowly.

I think the biggest thing was I sat him down a few weeks and told him how badly he was treating me. He was all apologetic and "woe is me".
FOR ABOUT A WEEK.

Now hes back to normal. Hes never changing. I've finally given up on that.
Neither is he ever going to think of anyone but himself.




*

p123

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1461
Re: Had enough of FM brother and Dad going along with it
« Reply #11 on: July 28, 2021, 08:59:49 AM »
Told him last night DO NOT CALL ME AT THE WEEKEND. Told him there'd be no signal - not a total lie. 60K people in a rural location does cause problems for the mobile providers....

He was most put out that he couldnt call me. Why? Its 5 days.... Deffo blocking his number now.

If theres an emergency call an ambulance, not me, 3 hours drive away.

*

square

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 548
Re: Had enough of FM brother and Dad going along with it
« Reply #12 on: July 28, 2021, 09:26:36 AM »
P123, block his number at the weekend exactly as you said you would.

And stop telling him not to call you.

*

moglow

  • Retired Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 15806
  • >^..^<
Re: Had enough of FM brother and Dad going along with it
« Reply #13 on: July 28, 2021, 12:24:41 PM »
Quote
And stop telling him not to call you.
:yeahthat: Telling him to not call could be seen as a reminder of sorts, like waving that red cloak in front of a charging bull. All it sees is the color and movement and reacts accordingly. Remember - Silence is golden. When he does call, you can choose to not respond, whether internally or to his call. It takes practice and [sometimes a lot of!] deep soothing breaths, but you can do it. Retraining ourselves is hard work!
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.Ē  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!