CPTSD recovery

[Unknown]

Hi
I have not posted in a long time. I lost my PW and finally found it but mostly because I have been away on other sites and just trying to focus on my journey and not on "them".
It has not been easy. I have CPTSD from my childhood - the best I can describe it is death by 1000 cuts.. It has not been "one singular traumatic event'" but thousands of the same version of traumatic events- a pattern going from childhood- through adulthood- career-and friendships.

Since I had never been permitted to have an identity of my own growing up- in my late 40's now I am certainly having a mid-life crisis regarding myself and my career choices, especially since coming Out of the FOG a few years ago...
in late 2018, I took a lateral transfer with the same company in a completely different role. I needed a welcome change and I thought that was it. It turned out to be a huge mistake, but I don't think I could have seen it coming. Not really. My boss turned out to be a covert narcissist of the worst kind. I still have nightmares of the place to this day. In fact, everyone I worked with (small circle of upper management) were ALL covert narcissists and absolutely unwelcoming and horrible to me. I cried every day- and finally, left in early 2020 with no job prospects ....to salvage what remained of my mental health. I was gaslighted every.single.day by my boss. I tried in vain to document, to establish a paper trail, to no avail. I went above her head, I went aside, even HR (one person) was a flying monkey in the least, or another narcissist at the most. I genuinely felt like I was going insane due to the gaslighting. To add to that, the depreciation, devaluation, dismissiveness and undermining my boss (and the small circle of people there) did to me took a toll on my self-esteem and self-worth.  Of course, by that time, I saw it for what it was, but I was unable to find another job and I felt really "blackballed" and in a "no way out" situation. I also saw the pattern- that I was victimized as a scapegoat, just like I've always been growing up by my FOO. This job was like another layer of trauma to me. I didn't see it coming and it was so pernicious and so covert, I wouldn't've seen it at first, anyway. It wasn't fair and it was not my fault but I still felt like crap. I have looked at it 6 ways from Sunday yet it would not have changed the outcome.

Last year, in late 2020, I took a job I interviewed for virtually - ( there was no ability to tour the place or meet the people because of covid restrictions- (the first red flag I missed), and it was a HORRIFYING job culture and I quit after just one month. I had no proper formal training (despite me telling them repeatedly), and all sorts of other narcissistic, toxic co-workers which was a reflection of the culture overall- a trickle-down effect from upper management and leadership. I knew better than to stay on.

Since then, I have really worked on myself- my boundaries- how I can control how others treat me. That has a great deal to do with why narcissists get to us the way they do...  I thought I would have "learned" from it when I took the aforementioned job above, but somehow, found myself in what seemed like the same toxic place at a totally different company. I really felt like the same lightning bolt struck me twice.

I took a great deal of time off from job hunting because I couldn't subject myself to the process. That too was causing great angst. It took a huge toll on my self-esteem. I was rejected at nearly every single job I applied for and just couldn't take it anymore. After being out of (regular) work for nearly 15 months now, surprisingly, just today, I decided to apply for a job and actually landed a preliminary interview.
(I haven't yet  decided if that's good or bad news!)

But I am terrified that I am not ready, not strong enough to face narcissists again, should I encounter another one.
I know they are everywhere- and have to deal with them but I worry I will fail. again. I worry I won't be able to recognize - or more importantly- put a STOP to toxic patterns when I see them. They can be so sly and so manipulative! And I don't want to be bamboozled again! (It was especially hard having a BOSS as a narcissist- and her boss - and so on). There was no way out - but out.

I am worried I am not strong enough yet.. I want to be-  but how do you know??? I don't want another bad job situation. That would just devastate me all over again. (Added to that, I am still NC with my FOO going on 3 years, which although brings me peace, there is still immense grief I am working through and I am re-traumatized every time they hoover.)
I still feel so traumatized by everything and try hard to get better by putting into practice what I've learned-  CPTSD healing techniques - but I am still afraid. I am very afraid of the future repeating the same things I've experienced in the past and re-traumatizing me. 
I just do not know how to get past this fear. I would like to know if anyone can relate and how they moved past this fear. It can be downright paralyzing.  When I do the work I feel stronger. I really do. But it is different when it's real life. with real stressors in real time. The Fight- Flight- Freeze- Fawn kicks in every time and I feel like the only way I know if I AM stronger is if I can prove it in real time to combat these ingrained responses.
Thanks for reading and for any helpful input. I'd appreciate it

[ArmadilloKate]

Hi I'm so sorry you keep running into the same patterns. I completely understand why it is so terrifying to get back into a work environment when you keep hitting the same patterns with narcissists. I'm responding to the part where you said you are terrified you are not ready, not strong enough.

I know this fear. I know it really well. And each time I was confronted with the same fear/trigger it would knock me on my a** and feel like even more proof the world wasn't safe and I wasn't ok or strong enough to handle it. But I worked on it and worked on it and worked on it. Each time I faced it again it was practice and eventually I was strong enough. And I am so thankful for that because it has allowed me to 1. Function and 2. Help other people in a similar boat.

But I'm worried about you because you didn't mention therapy. And I'm not sure if it's really possible to get there without that kind of help. But if you are feeling hopeless, I'll share a touch of my story below, but TW....



***TW, Suicide***



My CPTSD is primarily from my mom being suicidal and cutting really bad when I was a kid. As you can imagine there's other stuff to go along with it but that's the biggie. The trauma. Well...as I've moved through life it's like I've been a magnet for people with suicidal urges. Boyfriends, friends, later my father in law completed suicide, I found out many years after the fact my own father died by suicide, and then my own young young children had plans (10 yr old) and self harm ideation (8 yr old). Then young young nephew with ideation and older teen nephew with harm.

It just kept showing up in my life. Especially with my kids and the family history it was deeply deeply retraumatizing. I felt just like you described in your post. But eventually I worked on it enough mostly exposure therapy and each incident got me a little closer. 

Now I know I am strong enough. I can handle it, whatever it is. And I can even help other people without being triggered.

I realized last night how much I've healed because I used to panic when I'd hear a chair scrape along the floor in my son's room thinking the worst automatically. I heard that sound last night and I was totally fine. A chair moving across the floor now is just a f*&^ing chair. It is not someone I love dying.

I know a fear about suicide isn't the same as a fear that people will abuse you when your past has shown they will and that abusive people are everywhere. But I think it may be similar enough to offer a bit of hope you'll be strong enough one day to have the confidence you can handle narcissists you run across at work confidently and adeptly.

[Oscen]

Hi unknown,

I can relate, I've had a similar experience, 2 bad workplaces in quick succession. I was at one horrible workplace, didn't know how to cope with it, quit after a year but missed signs of the new place not being great either and that plus having panic attacks from the last place meant I quit in under a year. I've since become a freelancer which is much more enjoyable and easier to avoid stressors.  I'm currently under-utilised but reluctant to take on more hours because of the fear from the past, of being overwhelmed. I don't want to simply avoid stressful situations, but rather develop the toolkit to deal with an average workplace, so I'm not limited by my own shortcomings.

I notice that you say boundaries allow you to control how other people treat you - perhaps a misphrasing? I believe very much in taking responsibility for my own communication style and enacting my own boundaries, but I can't control others. Hard to express the difference between self-responsibility in interactions with others, and letting go of taking other's actions and responses personally.

When you say you're working on CPTSD healing, what exercises are those? Do they address emotional flashbacks? There's no progress before those are coming under control.

I don't know exactly what you're working on and so you'll probably find lots of doubles and obvious stuff here, but here's various things that help me:
Meditation, mindfulness, etc
Self-care - sleep, exercise, good food, etc
I've been attending a support group for PD abuse.
Journalling, journalling, journalling - stream of consciousness is great to get to know yourself better, and then more targeted things like NLP where you focus on the types of questions you'd like to be asking yourself automatically, like how to solve problem x, think of 5 solutions now. I love the Artist's Way as a fun framework for journalling focusing on self-discovery.
Also, the DBT skills handbook has great exercises, works for people with trauma. The section on distress tolerance has an activity on mentalisation, where you picture a moment of conflict from the viewpoint of the other person. Was hard to do at first, but helped me get better at discerning between "difficult" people and "PD" people, and detaching from my reactions.
Emotional literacy - 5 times a day I ask myself how I'm feeling right now, have to produce 3 feeling adjectives. Very hard at first, getting better but still no walk in the park as I'm quite disconnected from my own emotions. I also look at how the emotions I feel relate to similar situations where I've felt the same, what's the connecting trigger here? What beliefs have led me to that emotional response? What is a more helpful belief? What feeling would I like to have in that situation? Starting to get into CBT here, which is a helpful framework but I didn't find it a good starting point when my CPTSD was at its height because it tries to sidestep emotion. Definitely a technique worth learning about though. I use it more now that my EFs are reduced.
Examine & define your own values - get a list of values and pick out the ones that resonate for you.
Communication skills - mine were crap. I've had to improve that, make the effort to talk to more people, and also reading books about how to deal with "difficult" people, not just people with PDs, as they require different approaches that I couldn't clearly delineate. ymmv
EFT, EMDR, havering etc (all self-administered in my case) - these have helped me dramatically in the last month to reduce the connection between triggers - especially other people acting aggressively - and me responding with a 4F response. I don't think these techniques would work well if you weren't doing all the other work of self-care and self-understanding, as the body will not want to release the emotions if it doesn't trust your brain to recognise "dangerous" situations and act in a way that is self-protective. But if you're just experiencing the heightened emotional reactions, then I found these techniques work. Surprised me but recommend trying it, even if just to eliminate them.

[D.]

I can very much relate to your experience.  And I see that you have a persistence and a willingness to grow that will make things work out.

Unfortunately we live in a society with a lot of toxic work envirnoments.  I'm sure everyone's experience and response is unique.  For me the C-PTSD symptoms really hit with my divorce several years ago.  And the work environment, like yours, was too unhealthy to continue.  For me the task was also too stressful, I had to "help" others also dealing w/trauma.  So I had to change career and location.  There were a few things that really helped me. 
1.  Really using my personal resources, especially therapy, to address work challenges.  Use therapy to figure out where it's safe to be authentically me and where I need to be cautious/protect myself w/co-workers and bosses.  For example my current boss can be quite selfish but I have learned that if I send a respectful email requesting something I really want or need she will almost always say yes.  That has been empowering.
2.  For me, finding work that was more independent.  Less time around bosses or co-workers, and a smaller number of people.
3.  Viewing the challenges as oppotunities for growth to learn how to cope.
4.  Finding a job w/at least a direct boss who was not N for a couple of years.
5.  Finding a balance between enough "challenges" and enough time doing something I enjoyed/"filled my emotional cup" so to speak.  Like I enjoy research, gathering data, organizing, helping, people, etc. so having enough of my work day full of activities that fed as opposed to drained me...
6.  Compartmentalizing - really working to not think about the toxic people  at work unless I absolutely have to...like during interactions, a little refelection afterwards.  Preparing myself for a meeting/phone conversation.  That kind of thing.  I am still really working on this as my job sometimes requires communicating w/people at their absolute worst (tirades, insults, etc.).

Anyway best of luck to you.  I belive the right opportunity will happen for you. 

[Unknown]

Hi to everyone who took the time to reply

I have not been able to log in since my post and I apologize for the long delay.
Your comments have all been tremendously helpful.
My therapy consists of self-help- mindfulness/PTSD recovery work from books and youtube videos.
I cannot find a suitable trauma specialist and I have given up on that front.. So, I do my best with youtube and self help books. When I wrote that post, I was experiencing a tremendous amount of anxiety and I see that I was in FLIGHT mode. I just wanted to write my thanks for responding to my post.

[JustKeepTrying]

Hi unknown.

I see your original post goes back a few months and that you recently logged in.  I would like to add my bit and hope it helps.

I too have cPTSD and certainly understand your reference to death by a thousand cuts.  My childhood led to serious issues in college and an abusive marriage. I was deeply in the fog.

I also worked as an exec in a high profile position for a narcisisst.  He was verbally abusive.  Very toxic environment.  I jumped from there to another toxic environment.  My position did enable me to get to know all of the CEOs of region and the exec staff (very high profile position).  I observed that at the top - almost all were PD in some form.  I think it takes a certain callousness to reach that level.  I stepped away from all of that and yes there were times over the years I miss that job that loved but I don't miss the people or the companies.  And I don't miss the stress.  I took a moment to look at my skills and find other work that may pay less but certainly provides a quieter, more stable environment.

As for the cPTSD, look for a trauma therapist.  If you can't find trauma - then look for someone certified in EMDR.  You may not want to go the EMDR route but a person certified in it is a person with trauma experience. 

Also, take a long look at the toolbox.  Grey rock is a great a tool for use with narcissist.  Read about over and over.  Practice it and you will find your inner strength .
Best of luck on your journey.  Please keep posting here.  This is an incredible supportive bunch of people.

[ShyTurtle]

I know you wrote this a long time ago, but I can relate to your story. I also have cptsd from a traumatic childhood. It taints everything I do in life.

A few years back, fresh out of an abusive marriage with a narcissist,  I took a job with a major narcissist as a boss. Turned out that all of the staff was afraid of her.  She took an interest in a government position in the city, and would leave us on our own for days on end, only to return like a tornado and disrupt everything we were doing with her negativity. When push came to shove, the board got a lawyer. We were all asked to make a statement about her maltreatment of us. Unbeknownst to me, everyone chickened out but me. They made me the goat. I felt so violated and retraumatized by the whole experience. 

Even now, group dynamics always make the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. There's always an narcissistic person in those situations. There's always someone who will prevent you from winning at all costs. At this point in my life, working in any office scenario makes me nauseated. 

On the flip side, there are people out there who are genuine and who will vouch for you. It's good that you've been able to learn from past experiences. I hope that whatever you are doing now it has worked out ok.