The abused abuser

[Associate of Daniel]

We're told that if someone tells you they are a victim of abuse, you should believe them.

But what if you are a victim of THEIR abuse?

Often abusers are compulsive liars, rewrite history, project their own bad behaviours onto others. 

How do you believe their statement of being an abuse victim when you've learned to not believe any other word that comes from their mouths?

Certainly their behaviours often are indicators of former (usually childhood) abuse.

But that does not excuse their own abusive behaviour.

And why try to help them when you know you're putting yourself in danger by doing so?

It's confusing, makes you feel guilty for not believing or helping them, and still dangerous to have anything to do with them.

Thoughts anyone?

AOD

[Cat of the Canals]

And why try to help them when you know you're putting yourself in danger by doing so?

No adult is under any obligation to help/support/solve another adult's problems. I will, however, do much to help those I am in mutually respectful and caring relationships with. But that is a choice. (And this goes both ways, of course. No one is under any obligation to support me either.)

PDmom learned most of her bad behaviors from her BPD mother. I am sad for her. I wish it hadn't happened. But she would never acknowledge it and thus can never even take the first step toward healing. And I can't do the work for her. No one can. She has made her own choice.

A history of abuse may be an "explanation" for abusive behavior, but it is NOT an excuse. We are all responsible for our own behavior and the consequences of that behavior.

[Poison Ivy]

"A history of abuse may be an 'explanation' for abusive behavior, but it is NOT an excuse. We are all responsible for our own behavior and the consequences of that behavior." This, 100%.

[Rose1]

You can have sympathy for a bad childhood or experience. But we can point to many who have gone through this, have issues, but do not intend to go through life making others miserable.

Bad upbringing is a fact of life. What we do with that is our choice. I really think that it's used as an excuse. Its easier to blame something than do the work.

We are all expected to work on our issues.  Bad temper? Work on it. Irritable?  Work on it.  No one gives us an exemption because we were in a difficult abusive relationship.  Does that give us the right to take it out on others? Of course not.

The scriptures tell us to make our minds over.  To the extent we can. That applies to all of us. Some of us can't do it as well as others because of past experience but that doesn't mean we shouldn't to the best of our ability.

We can have compassion for someone but do not have to put ourselves in the firing line or participate in the rug sweeping of bad behaviour.  People who lack self control are not generally good associates nor add much to our own struggles.

Compassion from a distance is possible.

[SonofThunder]

And why try to help them when you know you're putting yourself in danger by doing so?

No adult is under any obligation to help/support/solve another adult's problems. I will, however, do much to help those I am in mutually respectful and caring relationships with. But that is a choice. (And this goes both ways, of course. No one is under any obligation to support me either.)

PDmom learned most of her bad behaviors from her BPD mother. I am sad for her. I wish it hadn't happened. But she would never acknowledge it and thus can never even take the first step toward healing. And I can't do the work for her. No one can. She has made her own choice.

A history of abuse may be an "explanation" for abusive behavior, but it is NOT an excuse. We are all responsible for our own behavior and the consequences of that behavior.

[SonofThunder]

You can have sympathy for a bad childhood or experience. But we can point to many who have gone through this, have issues, but do not intend to go through life making others miserable.

Bad upbringing is a fact of life. What we do with that is our choice. I really think that it's used as an excuse. Its easier to blame something than do the work.

We are all expected to work on our issues.  Bad temper? Work on it. Irritable?  Work on it.  No one gives us an exemption because we were in a difficult abusive relationship.  Does that give us the right to take it out on others? Of course not.

The scriptures tell us to make our minds over.  To the extent we can. That applies to all of us. Some of us can't do it as well as others because of past experience but that doesn't mean we shouldn't to the best of our ability.

We can have compassion for someone but do not have to put ourselves in the firing line or participate in the rug sweeping of bad behaviour.  People who lack self control are not generally good associates nor add much to our own struggles.

Compassion from a distance is possible.

[SonofThunder]

Agree with all the prior replies.  My uPDw's mother was abusive in many manipulative ways and her father was a neglectful alcoholic.  Both children (my uPDw and her sister), are PD's, as they basically raised themselves, trying to get on their parents radar and develop a 'self', which failed on both accounts. 

It's a shame both had to try and grow up in these conditions, but I cannot allow it as an excuse for what I (and others deal with).  It's a shame yes, but they as adults, must rightfully deal with their own actions/reactions. 

SoT