Looking forward to the end

[engineer31]

The last time I posted, I talked about how my BIL's wife was starting to see why DH and I were VVVVLC with my IL's. They were starting to receive similar treatment. BIL's wife and I had a long conversation and worked things out. We've texted just about every day since then (about a month and a half). It's been great. We send each other pics of the kids, we talk about our work, random stuff just to keep up, etc. Our relationship has grown so much and DH and BIL have talked about how they can imagine what our relationship might be if MIL never "warned" her about me. Anyways, Friday we had a very long talk (over 2 hours) and we have both learned so much more that MIL has said behind our backs. It seems she LOVES to leave out pertinent details. For instance a few years ago MIL complained that BIL's wife was lazy, sleeping all day, not caring for her child. What I just found out was that BIL's wife was going through severe PPD and trying to seek help (MIL didn't mention this even though she knew). BIL's wife told me so many things this past Friday. Like MIL will literally tell anyone she comes across in town that she's not allowed to see our kids because I keep them from her. Even though they don't even try to visit. I have NEVER said no, they cannot see the kids. She's told BIL's wife that my apologies have been "half-assed". That I never dressed our daughter in clothes that she bought her. SO MANY DAMN LIES. After I had my daughter, I hemorrhaged at my MIL's house (DH was gone for work and I was hanging out with MIL and BIL). There was so much blood they ended up calling an ambulance and I got taken to the hospital. Anyways, come to find out my MIL still mentions to my BIL's wife that I will never appreciate how they had to clean up all of that blood and how it got on her chair.  THAT WAS ALMOST 7 YEARS AGO! It blows my mind that is even a topic of conversation. That when I had a medical emergency, traumatizing, that she is more worried about me saying thank you

BIL's wife is out of town and when she gets back this weekend they plan on cutting ties with MIL and FIL. DH and I are as well. I am looking forward to this. No more manipulation from them. No more gaslighting. I am ready for the peace. I am ready for the relationship with BIL and his wife that got sidetracked because of MIL's words and hate in her heart. DH has always been on the fence, looking for hope that they will change, but after hearing what his mom says about when I had the medical emergency, he doesn't want anything to do with them. I know it's going to be rough at first. Probably a lot of pushback on their end. Heck they will probably even try to come to our house unannounced. I know they are coming out our way in a few weeks and DH told his dad we won't be seeing them. We also didn't send them an invite to DD birthday party and they have done nothing but complain about that to everyone. The end is near for us, and I'm beyond happy. It's about time that DH and I get to focus on our family and stop worrying about their feelings. They don't deserve our time and mind space anymore.

[bloomie]

engineer31 - the level of divisiveness and manipulation on your mil's side of the relationships that has been revealed has to be both a relief and sobering. All at the same time.

When stuff like this is going on we usually can sense it and it now makes perfect sense why your mil would pit everyone against each other. Because, heaven forbid they should get together and compare notes about the smearing and the outright lies and put out the fires your mil's caustic, unbridled tongue has started.

Since you have decided to cut ties already, I will say that in my own in law relations I have a very similar sil who is so slippery and so dishonest and manipulative it drives wedges between people that often are never addressed as you and your sil/bil have done. That has to be a relief.

Someone who sabotages the potential for loving familial relationships between others and who takes a wrecking ball to the good name of their family members is, for me, not someone I can allow in close connection. This is a level of character disturbance that you didn't cause, can't control, and can't change. And it is very sad to hear of a grown woman choosing to behave this way.

I hope this decision to distance yourself from harm's way brings peace. Be very careful in the days ahead to guard your heart, your relationship with your DH, and these tender new relationships with your bil/sil. Most likely will be push back in unexpected and expected ways.

Let us know how you and your DH are doing. This is very hard stuff you are dealing with. We understand and we are here for you.

[engineer31]

Thank you, Bloomie. It is such a relief and very sobering just like you mentioned. I always sensed she talked about me behind my back because I could sense when my relationships "changed". When I started feeling awkward, like I was no longer "part of their family". And I was the first one to see it. Slowly my husband started seeing it. But it wasn't until BIL and his wife started talking to us again and telling us everything else, that my DH finally realized everything we had sensed was in fact true. DH and I are finally at a good place where I feel like we're unshakeable but I know MIL will try her hardest to do what she always does.

[Cat of the Canals]

Wow. The fact that she complains about your medical emergency in that way really shows a complete lack of empathy. And a poor sense of judgment... if someone told me that story, I'd be absolutely horrified, but not for the reason they thought I'd be. Glad you're getting some family back!