Give me a script

[HeadAboveWater]

I have a visit with the in-laws coming up soon. I am anticipating a situation may arise, and I will feel better if I can go into it with phrasing that will help me to set a boundary.

I am now in a place in my life where I do want children. It took me a long time to heal from my childhood where this is something I would ever want for myself. However, for numerous reasons, I have not yet had children. I do not discuss much of anything personal with my MiL because I learned long ago that these are not safe topics. Thanks to effective grey rocking and medium chill, she does not know anything about my desire to have children or why I have not yet done so. I'm going to keep it that way.

In the mean time, someone else in my generation in my husband's family has started having children. My MiL is just delighted. During my upcoming visit, I will be around MiL and the baby of the family (and I do want to get to know this darling new human). I know that my MiL will make a comment to me about having babies, however. (I have already heard about how the childless die alone and how not having children is a "selfish" thing. She has also mentioned that pregnancy is a possible "cure" for a health condition I have, among other "hints" that she thinks I should deliver her grandchildren.) The question she will ask will not be a direct, "When are you having children?" question, but is more likely to be something like "Aren't children wonderful? Don't you love them?/Wouldn't you like to have one?" Chances are also reasonable that my advanced age gets invoked. This is going to hurt, as I am experiencing some grief around family right now and the reasons why I don't have a child. But I refuse to discuss any of this with MiL.

If you have creative ideas about ways to interrupt and redirect conversations about babies, I welcome them.

[blunk]

I am so sorry you are going through this. A medical issue is certainly not something you should feel obligated to disclose just to appease a nosy MIL. As a childless woman in her mid forties, these kind of questions and comments always get to me regardless of who is asking. And I have been asked by friends, family, and outright strangers. But my bpdxh's mother (not sure if she was pd, she is now deceased) started asking the first day that she met me. Well not so much asking at first, but she made a statement like...I've always wanted a (particular physical attribute that I have) grandchild. To those who asked outright. I'm not having kids...requires no further explanation, as opposed to I don't want kids, or not yet.

My answers to the questions you posed would be something like:
Q: Aren't children wonderful? A: Yes they are.
Q: Don't you love them? A: Yes, I do.
Q: Wouldn't you like to have one? A; At the moment, I'd like to have this one right here. May I please hold her?
And if she continues, what about one of your own? I'm not thinking about that right now, I'm enjoying my visit with (baby's name).

As for the comments about being selfish, I always said something like, I have my reasons. In my case, among other things, I did not want to be tied forever to my bpdxh, and since I earned more he would be the one to stay home with a child. I think that protecting a child from that kind of life is one of the least selfish things that a person could do. But that is a different topic altogether.

[Andeza]

"Mind your own business" always worked for me, although it would also put the pwPD into a proper pouting fit. Their problem honestly. I get tired of repeated questions. 

We waited years after marriage to have children. There was healing to do, there was stability as a couple to achieve, children waited. It was a good decision. But my uBPDm refused to understand that and I got tired of her asking over and over and over again. With me you only get x amount of "nice" answers before I'm tired of the game.  We're NC at this point, which makes things tremendously simpler.

Point is, you don't owe anyone an explanation for why your situation is what it is or if it has changed. It's none of their business. I think with how connected our society is, PwPDs have conveniently forgotten that fact and hope we will forget as well. I want you to feel empowered, strong, and steadfast, and carry yourself as such.  She'll most likely back down fast in the face of that.

As far as your desire for children now, I'm rooting for you! I sincerely hope that everything goes smoothly, and that from this point on, your experience is purely joy. Sending good vibes.

[Jolie40]

"don't worry, MIL

if and when, you'll be ONE of the first to know

now let's drop the subject, please & enjoy our day"


(ONE of the first which absolves you of telling her first, lol)

[Fiasco]

Pestering you about how you do or do not use your vagina and uterus is vulgar and doesn't deserve a polite response. Perhaps say, oh you must think I'm so rude, always answering your questions about my vagina and uterus but never asking you about yours! How are they? Giving you any trouble as you age?

[Andeza]

@Fiasco that is so incredibly awesome and on point! I'm tucking that one away for later use if needed, thanks for the belly laugh!

[Cat of the Canals]

Pestering you about how you do or do not use your vagina and uterus is vulgar and doesn't deserve a polite response. Perhaps say, oh you must think I'm so rude, always answering your questions about my vagina and uterus but never asking you about yours! How are they? Giving you any trouble as you age?

*dies laughing*
Seriously, I've always felt like the, "Why don't you have any children?" question is best answered with something equally as inappropriate: "Well, we've been effing our brains out like rabbits, but nothing's come of it yet, so I really don't know why!"

Whether I'd have the balls to say it remains to be seen, as PDmom and PDmil (like your MIL) are never so direct. (enDad did once bemoan how poor PDmom had to wait so long to have grandkids (from my brother), much longer than all of her friends! My husband said to me, "You should have told him how sorry you were for not making your uterus available at your mom's convenience.")

I like blunk's suggestions. It's like a tennis match where she keeps lobbing the ball at you, and you just keep sending it back. I also think that if she pushes AT ALL, you say, "I'm not having this conversation with you." And if need be, you get up and move away from her... go to the bathroom, get a glass of water, etc. Don't be afraid to give yourself some physical space if necessarily.

Re: comments about not having children being "selfish." I think I'd go with the classic Medium Chill response: "I'm sorry you feel that way." 

[Fiasco]

*dies laughing*
Seriously, I've always felt like the, "Why don't you have any children?" question is best answered with something equally as inappropriate: "Well, we've been effing our brains out like rabbits, but nothing's come of it yet, so I really don't know why!"

Go big or go home! "Next time I'll bring over a flashlight maybe you can have a look and see if anything is amiss." Or maybe "Do you think it's because sometimes we do (crazy sexual position of your choice) instead?"

I'm finally responding to my BPDm and her (not fertility related) awfulness in a direct manner and now I want to sass everyone. Watch out world!

[Andeza]

Honestly that's an excellent point. Sass is our defense mechanism firing up and working right at a more socially acceptable level. It's what I turn on full blast when I want pwPDs to go away. They can't handle it. I've never met one that could. Works absolute wonders! The key though, don't let yourself feel bad about the sass that comes out of your mouth. Embrace the sass, live by the sass.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yup! I've had the shoe on the other foot, procreating with shameless abandon.  The in-laws were every bit as rude as yours about it, for years. I used to argue with them but after a few years of it and their crappy attitude affecting how they treated their no longer hypothetical grandchildren, I got mad. And then I just stopped caring what they thought and started to get snarky. I agree with Andeza, they could dish it out but they couldn't take it at all.

With telling them about baby #4 we got stony faced silence and then a flat, "Congratulations." More silence. "Well, wasn't this rather a surprise?"

"Nope, we've figured out how it happens by now." 

My FIL went NC with me after that! 

I thought that was a pretty mild rejoinder but whatever. Ridiculous and I think the key is you just run out of F's to give. Except, you know, for the babies. 

[Rose1]

Exbpdh once had a great put down to his updm when she wouldn't stop. 'Ever since I had the bike accident things haven't been the same". Never asked again

[Adria]

I saw this somewhere the other day.  "Silence is the best answer for all questions . . . and smiling is the best reaction to all situations.  Thought it was good until I read what Fiasco wrote!
Oh my gosh Fiasco,
ROTFL!!!
That was awesome!!!

[Hilltop]

Yep been there and its really uncomfortable.  I went with the silent response but found it just meant that MIL kept going so I ended up thinking up some slightly sassy comebacks and it does work to shut them down.  They really can't handle it at all.

If she says "don't you love babies" just say "doesn't everyone".  If she mentions your medical condition just smile and ask her if menopause has caused her any issues herself.

If she makes a silly joke about you better get moving "MIL are you asking about my sex life.  How is the bedroom with FIL, please do give us all the juicy details".

Go for it, don't feel bad.  Just don't say anything in anger, it needs to be a light tone and a smile on your face.  Honestly these types rely on us being quiet.  Good luck.

[Danie]

Turn the tables on her and ask her QUESTIONS, in other words, answer with a question.  Example: "Isn't she beautiful?"    You: "Yes she is. What kinds of events do you like to do with grandchildren"?   You get the idea.

[HeadAboveWater]

I just wanted to come back and tell you all that I literally laughed and cried while reading your responses. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and for the variety of scripts that you offered. I'm ready for MiL!