Love bombing.... The house?

11JB68 · June 29, 2021, 09:06:34 PM

Uocpdh is obsessing over how the house and yard look due to an upcoming party. We've lived here for 20 years. Have had parties, people over, etc. There are so many things that have needed attention/repair etc for YEARS. Either we didn't have the money (he quit his job soon after we bought the house) or he couldn't be bothered. This is also a man who has often said people shouldn't care what others think (but he cares SO much).
Now, after 20 years of neglect, he is suddenly repairing things etc.
It struck me that this may be similar to love bombing...

square · June 29, 2021, 09:13:07 PM

Is there a particular person coming to the party that he wants to impress (or "own")?

notrightinthehead · June 29, 2021, 11:38:40 PM

I hope you stay serene, uninvolved, detached, and observant 11JB. I hope you are very busy with other things so that you do not have to play his assistant or even are being ordered around by him.

SonofThunder · June 30, 2021, 08:35:33 AM

Quote from: square on June 29, 2021, 09:13:07 PM
Is there a particular person coming to the party that he wants to impress (or "own")?

This is my experience with my uPDw. Imo, one of the hardest situations to deal with, in relationships with PD's is hypocrisy, in all areas of relationship.

In the area you discuss, of being concerned with impressing others with possessions and care-for and decor, I deal with this hypocrisy all the time. My uPDw's focus is always first-impression. But, behind closed doors, life is a mess. It's a total sham. Our 'public' rooms in the home are kept immaculate, but behind literal closed doors is a mess.

I am scrutinized for keeping my 3 small work-related carry bags in a visible place (behind a desk in an unused 'study' off our front hallway), where guests may see my bags. It's the only room in the home (other than my clothes closet) where my meager possessions reside. When guests come by, I am asked to move them.

If guests could see the other 75% of the rooms in the home, which are off limits to guests, they would see piles of possessions of my uPDw, whose possessions occupy 99% of the home. I have one corner of the floor in the study and my clothes closet.

Over the years of PD awareness, I have learned this and steadily transferred most of my possessions to my small second home, in which I use to run my business. If I ever decided again to move out, it would (lol) take me only a couple hours.

But again, the hypocrisy about impressing others in the public areas of our homes, while leading an entire different life (physically and emotionally) behind closed doors (what I call the concentric relationship circles) is one of the most difficult areas to deal with, for us nons.

SoT

11JB68 · June 30, 2021, 11:37:20 AM

Square - a particular person - don't think so. It's a LOT of people invited and he is, in some ways, correct to be a bit ashamed of how much the house has been neglected. On the other hand, they are coming to see us/celebrate with us, not to inspect our home, I say screw them if they don't like how it looks.
HE leaves everyone's house with a litany of criticisms (not so much now as I've come Out of the FOG and have shed my fleas and refuse to participate with him).
Not Right - I am mc'ing as much as possible but yes, I'm expected to assist and I do. After all it is my home also and I DO care how it looks. But doing any project with him is unpleasant to say the least. The more I MC it the easier/faster it is over. I just do NOT want to fight any more. I am more convinced than ever that we need to sell the house. We cannot AFFORD this size house as we do not have the time/energy/wherewithal to take care of it ourselves and cannot afford to hire all the people it would take to really maintain it (landscaping/snow removal, cleaning, etc). The looming question is do I want to sell WITH him and move WITH him or just file and sell and go our separate ways.
SOT - YES YES YES - the HYPOCRISY - I get it and yet it just KILLS me all the time. It's the main thing that just really eats at me and makes me angry. SO many rules for others, yet they either don't apply to him and/or we cannot make rules ourselves, just follow his.

I had another thread about the weirdness of his seeming not to remember his rage over my asking him to replace a toilet seat (5 years ago) when he suggested recently it should be replaced

Likewise downstairs bathroom door has never closed properly. Not a BIG deal for us but awkward if guests are over. he has always contended that it's something to do with the hinges (AND of course, other people's 'fault' that we slam it too hard or something). So the other day he's going, maybe we should replace the door. I said, I think it's the door knob/latch thing-y - how about just a new doorknob? He agrees. I buy a doorknob. He installs it - messes a bit with the latch plate thing to adjust it and voila! we now have a door that closes AND locks! O.M.G. 20 years we've been in this house- WHY could this not have been done before??

SeaBreeze · June 30, 2021, 11:54:02 AM

11JB68 -

Sounds frustrating. But... can you work this burst of "love-bombing" the house to your advantage while your H is motivated to do so? Get some things done with the house that *you* would like done? Of course, you will have to let your H think it is *his* idea...

(Just a thought. I realize easier said than done and at risk of backfiring.)

Jolie40 · June 30, 2021, 01:35:03 PM

Quote from: 11JB68 on June 30, 2021, 11:37:20 AM
On the other hand, they are coming to see us/celebrate with us, not to inspect our home, I say screw them if they don't like how it looks.

I got a towel with saying "A clean house is a sign of a wasted life."

we do pick up when having company but it's always so much work especially when there's meals to plan/grocery shopping, etc

so one year I got room dividers to close off a room & "stuff" got hidden- works well
did see one nosy sibling try to look over dividers, lol

enjoy your party!

11JB68 · June 30, 2021, 09:11:19 PM

Sea breeze, the toilet seat and door knob are definite wins for all of us.
Jolie thx. Hoping the party will be fun in the end.

Fortuna · July 05, 2021, 02:39:08 PM

Honestly, I would step back and not look this particular gift horse in the mouth (as long as he's decent at making repairs and doesn't rope you in.) If he cares about what other people think (or noticed a recently newer or redone house) he might suddenly be seeing the house with new eyes. It very well may be within his cycle of OCD. Know it probably won't last, but enjoy it while it does.