Communication breakdown - marriage fatigue

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Benny

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Communication breakdown - marriage fatigue
« on: July 02, 2021, 02:22:48 PM »
I have got to a stage after 15 years of marriage...of emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually separating from my wife (though I occupy the same house with her and our children) in an attempt to gain space, preserve my mental health and limit the inevitable possibility of an explosion being detonated.   Intimacy and subtlety of expression in conversation are more or less dead, controversial topics are practically impossible as the beast of irrational fits of emotion and harassment will be unleashed at the slightest waver away from the shallows and comfort zone of limited topics.   Any suggestion of mine that she might want to do something different or accommodate and compromise is perceived as criticism...the only way is her way in her mind and 'everyone' agrees she says.  My thoughts and feelings are belittled often so I have withdrawn over time into myself.  Arguments are futile and make things much worse (there is no relenting) ...I either leave and lie in a field for a couple of hours or zone out.   I have come to see my marriage as a prolonged sentence with periods of shallow peace followed by occasional bouts of abuse and suffering ...and like a devil one must deal carefully with its persistent and malevolent attacks....I am learning to subdue and master myself in the eye of the storm.   Anyone relate and experienced, want to share strategies?  I have threatened separation if only to try and show that I do have limits and my boundaries do exist and that the stress I feel (intense at times) matters.  :-\   Cheers all.  Benny

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Communication breakdown - marriage fatigue
« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2021, 06:53:43 AM »
Welcome!  Sadly, I can totally relate to your post.  I called that state inner emigration.  My first step out was the realization that I cannot change my partner. Not matter how much I bend myself into a bretzel.  My partner is exactly the way he wants to be and behaves exactly the way he wants to behave. The only part I have control over is how I behave.
Please read around on the toolbox and start implementing the strategies relevant for your situation. Medium chill, boundaries, and non-JADE were the most helpful for me. It takes a while to use the tools properly but for me, their strict implementation calmed my home situation significantly.
You might also find the book "Stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist" by Fjelstad helpful.
Again, welcome to this informative and supportive site, I am sorry you had to find us and glad you did. See you around on the boards!
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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Benny

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Re: Communication breakdown - marriage fatigue
« Reply #2 on: July 04, 2021, 08:59:52 AM »
Thanks, I appreciate your response and I'll take a look as you suggest. 

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Benny

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Re: Communication breakdown - marriage fatigue
« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2021, 08:48:48 AM »
I also ordered the book you suggested.  Thanks again.