Long-term friendship over - for now

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ddk

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Long-term friendship over - for now
« on: July 03, 2021, 08:47:55 PM »
Once more, I've found myself on the receiving end of an abrupt discard from a friend who effectively fooled me into thinking she was 'Complex PTSD' but is clearly covert NPD with machiavellian enhancements and the OCPD accessory package.  I feel like such a sucker this time, though, having fully bought into her 'need' of me because of her horribly dysfunctional family and upbringing.  Cracks began to show when she never moved past the victimhood, never got therapy, etc., allows the mask to slip around her mother and me only (she's 45, emotionally about 11, though - with her mother and I.  Everyone on the outside thinks she's charming, talented, etc.).

I'm toying with the idea of sending her a letter calling her out and dismissing her.  Thankfully she is now many states away, neither of us is on social media, so there is zero chance of her smearing me with common friends or coworkers.  I feel like I need the closure.  I've already blocked her number on my phone and MAC so no emails or texts she could send will be visible to me, nor do I worry about getting sucked back in when she decides she needs another 'vacation' in California where I live, chauffeuring and indulging her every whim, eliminating car rental and hotel expense for her - I am not and will not be available ever again for her, and feel resolute about how 'over' this miserable relationship finally is. 

Anyone else ever do this and how did it work out for you?  Were you able to stay 'discarded'?  I really feel like she exposed her hideousness to a fool-proof degree for me.  Thanks in advance for any guidance here.  I do not post often but read here a LOT.  I have my letter all prepared and ready to go, anxious to close this awful book and move on.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Long-term friendship over - for now
« Reply #1 on: July 04, 2021, 02:44:45 AM »
I can only speak from my own experience - a letter or a mail that I wrote achieved nothing. Just got me a response that proved even further  how right I was in my assessment of my friend. Did I feel better by writing the letter? Maybe it clarifyed my thoughts for me. From now on I hope I will reflect on what I want to achieve with such communication before I send it.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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clara

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Re: Long-term friendship over - for now
« Reply #2 on: July 04, 2021, 11:10:30 AM »
I have nothing against calling these people out for who they are, but I think you have to examine the intention behind your actions.  If you're doing it with the hope she'll maybe learn something or possibly change, that's not going to happen.  She won't change because she doesn't think she does anything wrong.  But if you're doing it with the intention of telling her that you don't exist just to be the recipient of her bad behavior and the relationship is at an end, then by all means say what you have to say.  She won't really listen, but hopefully she'll get the  message that you're done with her.  She won't understand why, because her psychological makeup is to not understand any faults on her end, but that's her problem.  PDs often seem to think they have a right to be in your life whether or not you want them since their versions of a relationship is entirely a one-way street, and often they require a blunt explanation of why that's no longer going to happen.  They won't really accept it, but again, that's their problem.  You have to do what's best for you and whether or not they like it is irrelevant. 

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ddk

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Re: Long-term friendship over - for now
« Reply #3 on: July 04, 2021, 12:55:50 PM »
Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it.  My intention is to set the record straight, regardless of whether or not she *gets* it, learns, etc. - not my problem and it no longer affects my life if she stays hideous.  The letter details briefly why it's over and she is not welcome in my home, which will remove any possibility of a 'hoover' by her when she wants her West Coast vacation.  Just knowing that this sick narcissist is going to eventually 'forgive' me and try to set up her vacation some months down the road means the book's not over and I need it to be.  I never want to see her or talk to her ever again.  I'm not interested in whether or not she grows from this or learns anything.  She's a lost cause, I wasted a ton of my own time (AGAIN).  I don't expect any reply from her; she's a covert and silence is her favorite weapon.  My letter is the last word on this, as it should be.

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clara

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Re: Long-term friendship over - for now
« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2021, 12:03:36 PM »
Yep--she will absolutely pull some sort of "I forgive you and let's put this in the past" type of maneuver because you still have something she wants.  And yep, she'll allow some time to pass in silence because she thinks you'll become concerned and reach out to her.  I had a NPD friend describe this tactic as "strategic silence" and he was so arrogant he thought he could tell me what he was doing and at the same time successfully use this manipulation on me!  They really believe they have the upper hand at all times, they can manipulate us without us understanding what's going on etc.  In other words, play us.  It's the icing on their bad behavior cake. 

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ddk

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Re: Long-term friendship over - for now
« Reply #5 on: July 05, 2021, 01:04:37 PM »
Agreed.  I'm glad I came back to this forum. You and others have been helpfully objective without being too objective.  I sense fear among members here who've been abused by many PD people.  Both my parents, my ex husband and both my grown sons are PD.  I came here in 2016 after a humiliating discard from my supposed best friend.  Now this ex-best friend is one, but covert - which I was unfamiliar with until now, but her reading of 'the art of seduction' should've tipped me off several years ago. 

"Strategic silence"!  I have seen her use this on an ex-boyfriend who reached back after she dumped him, who she now uses periodically (he's a cop) and he now sneaks around his new wife to talk and visit her out of state.  These loathsome narcissists are not and never can be considered healthy partners - not in romance, friendship, parenting.  They do not care what happens to you, their only concern for you is what you do for them and how they can use you.