Did DH manipulate bpdm

[Dinah-sore]

Hi, sorry I haven't been checking in as much.

I have a new development and I need to run my thoughts by you in case I am wrong about how I feel.

Yesterday my mom called me and told me she talked to my DH and it went well. She had yelled at him and they hadn't talked since.

She shad a really sympathetic voice about my DH and told me how much he loved me, and all these wonderful things he says about me (?). It is so weird. He never says that stuff to me!!!! EVER.

She also said that he did admit that "it was a bad night" (the night he raged on me). I asked if she mentioned to him that he hasn't apologized to me. She said she didn't bring that up. Why? She actually apologized to him for yelling at him (when he pushed my youngest) and he accepted her apology without apologizing to her at all!!!!

He went on to tell her how upset he is about how the kids treat me, and how he can't stand how they talk to me, that they are so disrespectful to me. So he looks like he is on my side, my champion, my "protector." 🤮

Then he told her how he listens to what we watch on TV and how it is so ungodly. And how he just lays in his room and prays for us as we watch tv shows and movies that are filth.

So here I am, feeling like he manipulated mom. He got her feeling bad for him, thinking he loves me with a waterfall of affection, that he wants to defend me from people who will mistreat me, and that he really just needs ME to be godlier around the kids.

It was so weird. My head is dizzy.

And her tone of voice, the urgency she spoke with the conviction and sincerity when she told me how much he loves me. And she just kept saying, "Dinah, you just need to talk to him!"  Like I can fix this.

It has been two months, he has not apologized. Today he kept "accidentally" bumping into me and flirtatiously saying, "oops sorry I didn't see you there." I kept ignoring it, but then he would act pouty and hurt like I am being mean. But I am nice to him, super polite. I just don't want to flirt with him or be close to him after what he did and is continuing to do.

Am I wrong, or does this sound like he manipulated my mom?

[SonofThunder]

Hello Dinah,

First, I'm very sorry you are experiencing all of this turmoil in your home and with family members.  You refer to your husband as DH (Dear Husband)  My understanding of that term is that when members use it, they do not believe their husband suffers from a personality disorder.   From your post, you also refer to your mother as 'mom', so I take it that she also is not a PD.   Therefore, I assume that none of the people in your story are PD's.  But I do read that your husband has been both physical and emotionally abusive to you and your children.  Since we are on a PD forum, who are the PD's or uPD's in your life?   

Second, what you describe sounds somewhat like 'triangulation'.  From the Out of the FOG site of top 100 traits/triangulation:

" What it feels like:

When you experience Triangulation you may fear what other people might think of you. You may feel humiliated, concerned and self-protective.

You might feel the urge to "clear your name" or "set the record straight". You might want to confront the people involved or even retaliate. However by doing that, you take the bait. It is sometimes the perpetrator's hope that you will lose control and act out in anger or fear.

Learning to Cope:

When dealing with a Divide and Conquer attack it's important to remember that only you have control over what you do, not the person who is provoking or baiting you.

As the adage says: "Nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission."


SoT

[Rose1]

Given your mother's previous behaviour, i'd say a good chance thats exactly what happened. In my experience disordered people, whether pd or pd lite, tend to gravitate to each other.

In fact, its been a sort of standing joke in the family that if updgrandma had a friend you needed to be very careful around them as well. This came from experience.

Its possible he has turned her into an fm. What is your mother's goal? Reconciliation?  Make you feel bad? Get a few digs in? Look good to your h? Any of these supportive to you and your current stresses? Are either of them actually offering any real practical assistance?

Words are cheap,  action counts.

[SweetTea]

Dinah-sore, it appears to me that your mother is not your advocate. In the face of verbal and physical abuse, your mother is not protective of her child or grandchildren...she is advocating for the abuser.

I'd strongly suggest you stop confiding in your mother. She has 'joined forces' with your husband to manipulate and confuse you to keep you in this toxic abuse cycle. She has shown repeatedly that she will not advocate for or protect her own child or grandchildren.

From the Toolbox: Worth a re-read for all of us https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/ensure-your-own-personal-safety

I think your best bet is to confide in, and only look for, support from people who are completely outside your family and religious community. There is a community of good people outside the 'toxic triangle' your H and bpdm have created, and those people want nothing more than to help you and your children. 

[1footouttadefog]

I agree with not confiding in your mother.

If she is also a member of the religious community, she has a lot at stake of the marriage fails.  Her spot there is at risk.

If not she is still seemingly choosing narc supply from your pdh, over your happiness.

[Dinah-sore]

Hello Dinah,

First, I'm very sorry you are experiencing all of this turmoil in your home and with family members.  You refer to your husband as DH (Dear Husband)  My understanding of that term is that when members use it, they do not believe their husband suffers from a personality disorder.   From your post, you also refer to your mother as 'mom', so I take it that she also is not a PD.   Therefore, I assume that none of the people in your story are PD's.  But I do read that your husband has been both physical and emotionally abusive to you and your children.  Since we are on a PD forum, who are the PD's or uPD's in your life?   

Second, what you describe sounds somewhat like 'triangulation'.  From the Out of the FOG site of top 100 traits/triangulation:

" What it feels like:

When you experience Triangulation you may fear what other people might think of you. You may feel humiliated, concerned and self-protective.

You might feel the urge to "clear your name" or "set the record straight". You might want to confront the people involved or even retaliate. However by doing that, you take the bait. It is sometimes the perpetrator's hope that you will lose control and act out in anger or fear.

Learning to Cope:

When dealing with a Divide and Conquer attack it's important to remember that only you have control over what you do, not the person who is provoking or baiting you.

As the adage says: "Nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission."


SoT

Thanks for your comment, I don't know why I call him DH. I have wanted to write cNPDh for a long time, he has all 9 traits (like both of his parents who I have been NC with for 8 years). I feel like it is mean to say it though. Which I also felt when I started writing uBPDm. I felt so guilty the first time I wrote that. So yeah I believe my husband is an NpD and my mom is BPD. My dad is great, but codependent and enabling to BPDm. And I am an only child.

I don't want to be triangulated. In fact he got even bolder the last few days, trying to force physical affection on me. It is like now that he is on good terms with my mom he is acting like I am more easy to prey on. I can feel that soon I will need to ask him to not grab me or touch me. Because it makes my skin crawl. But he just started that after he "made up with" my mom.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

I think that answers your question, Dinah. If he's getting more brazen now that he's got your mom "on his side," that points toward manipulation. But whatever is going through either of THEIR heads, you are at a point where your skin crawls when he approaches you. Listen to that! It's for very good reason.

I completely agree with SweetTea. There is help, but not with your parents. They set you up to accept abuse as a child and are continuing to do exactly that. I will be praying for you.