I'm Out of the FOG...but my BP husband isn't

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PlantFlowersNotWeeds

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I'm Out of the FOG...but my BP husband isn't
« on: July 06, 2021, 10:38:17 AM »
This forum has been so helpful to me.
I've been married for 18 years, the last 4 were miserable.
The gaslighting, lying, manipulation, lack of empathy, anger, etc....have been so much.
Once the fog lifted, I feel so free....like a huge burden has been lifted off me.
Reading the posts has been helpful, for so many reasons.  Mainly, because I read about my own experiences and I feel like there's a place where people "get it".
It's interesting how many similarities there are!!  How many BPD/PD don't work, have expected their spouses to be caretakers, and true intimacy is non-existent.
I've had many Ah Ah moments reading posts, and it provides more calmness to my decision to end my marriage.
My husband is not physically abusive, but the verbal abuse is there - sometimes in my face, but often very subtle. 
One post I read, mentioned how a basic comment /question from a BPD can be controlling - this is what I experience every day. 
For example, every Thursday I have a late work meeting - every Thursday for 19 years.  Every Thursday, he acts like it's a surprise and I'm hiding something.  Really?
A post I read brought up the sex issue - how it's controlling, lacks intimacy, and often feels uncomfortable.  Yes, that's me.  How can I be intimate with someone that lies to me, has cheated on me, etc....  He acts/thinks like I'm the focus when we have sex, but it really is the opposite.  And, only people here get that.  It's difficult to describe unless you've experienced it.
A post I read brought up the challenges going to a counseling session with a BP and their therapist.  I'm soooo glad I read that before I did.  Why?  Because I went there prepared and left after 15 minutes.  Not worth my time.
I've read a lot of posts about divorce/separation and I am going to learn from their experiences and use it to help me.  I am calling lawyers this week - I am NOT going to go the mediation/collaborative approach.  Wasted on a BPD.
Currently, we live in the same house, separate rooms.  I've told him I want a divorce and I also told him with his therapist.  He refuses to talk about it and won't talk to our 17 year old about why we are in separate rooms.  He is avoiding the pain. Oh well, don't care.  Why would he want to change or face it?  I pay for EVERYTHING..he  has it great.  He pretends he works (he is a contractor, and very talented if he really wanted to work).
Just remembered another post about how a BPD husband was only nice to their dog.  Mine too!! It's ridiculous.  So obvious that they only want that unconditional love.
What's up with the TV?  He always wants it on - or he's on his phone constantly.  I can only think that is because they need a distraction from their pain? thoughts?  It's so annoying.  Never quite in our home.
The physical complaints - constant.  I can't tell what's real or not.  My husband did have a heart attack a few years ago and isn't healthy, but I can never tell what's real.  So, I stopped caring.  Otherwise, I have to care 24/7.
He got jealous because I bought our son shoes, and not him.  OMG - get a job and buy your own shoes!!!  He got jealous because I bought our son a new cell phone (he's 17, he worked very hard in school, he's a great kid, he deserved it).  OMG - get a job and buy your own phone.  I just cant' anymore.....
I didn't realize until the fog lifted that so much of my day/life has been revolving around him and his emotions.  It is truly exhausting and I got lost in it.  Lost myself.  It feels amazing to start to shift my day.

So the questions -
What's up with the TV?
Any advice on dealing with him and avoiding/denying the divorce (right now, I'm just letting it go)
Should I talk to our son without him?  I feel like the elephant in the room needs to be addressed.

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PlantFlowersNotWeeds

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Re: I'm Out of the FOG...but my BP husband isn't
« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2021, 10:48:59 AM »
Another question - we have to live in the same house, I know he won't leave.
Any suggestions?  I am detachingS, being civil, not re-acting to his ridiculousness, and trying to ignore his attempts to have me be his caretaker

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ploughthrough2021

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Re: I'm Out of the FOG...but my BP husband isn't
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2021, 05:56:58 PM »
What's up with the TV?

My uNPDw is the same. 24-hour TV (Netflix). Leave it. Keeps them busy so you get the peace.

Any advice on dealing with him and avoiding/denying the divorce (right now, I'm just letting it go)

Just go ahead with your plans.  PDs will never work with you on a divorce (why would they, when it is not to their advantage)

Should I talk to our son without him?  I feel like the elephant in the room needs to be addressed.

AT 17, he probably knows the story already

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Lauren17

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Re: I'm Out of the FOG...but my BP husband isn't
« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2021, 11:55:22 AM »
Hi PlantFlowers, and welcome.
Your story sounds so much like mine.  The timing, the description of behaviors, the age of the kids. My husband is undiagnosed, so I don't know if he actually has a PD. I do know that I've been the target of subtle verbal and emotional abuse the whole time I've been with him.  We had been married about 18 years when I first started coming Out of the FOG. 
Here's my best shot at answering your questions.
We have the TV on all day, phone in front of face thing going on at my house, too.  I think it's a way to distract himself from uncomfortable thoughts/feelings.  It's also a blockade.  He doesn't have to talk to the family if he's "busy" watching a movie.
Select your lawyer with H's avoidant behavior in mind.  I chose my lawyer mostly based on the fact that, during the interview/consultation, he said that often the other spouse will try and avoid signing the petition so he does everything he can to prevent passive aggressive behavior.  Other than that, I agree with PloughThrough, just let it go in your personal dealings and let the lawyer handle it.
My husband moved out of the bedroom when DD was about 18.  She, too, had lots of questions.  I stuck to the truth. "Dad said he was sleeping in the guest room because of X" and I left it at that.  It's not a complete answer, but I didn't think: "Our marriage is in crisis.  We don't have sex anymore. I'm glad he left" was an appropriate response for her.  Talking to the kids is the hardest part about this.  I try to walk the line between being honest and not criticizing.  It's a daily struggle.
Im no quitter, but I finally quit living on dreams. Im hungry for laughter and here ever after, Im after whatever this other life brings.
-Kenny Rogers