Not a good time

[Pepin]

Sadly, it looks like a family member will be passing soon.  This means a funeral.  This also means gathering with DPD MIL and other PD inlaws now that restrictions have been lifted.  I don't know this frail family member very well but DH does and this would be important for him to be present.  No doubt that DPD MIL will be clinging to DH.  I don't think I can skip this unless the family chooses not to have a service.  I am concerned knowing that I probably won't be able to walk with or even possibly sit with my husband.  I know he is going to be very sad...and this also worries me with regards to the fact that the passing of this relative may fuel DH's warped loyalty further toward his mother as she continues to age...and because she will be the oldest.

[WinterStar]

I'm sorry, Pepin. It sounds lonely for you.

I know what I want with my husband is to feel like we're a team facing life's challenges together. But all the in-law family stuff feels like it's me pitted against his family with poor him in the middle. I want him to stand beside me metaphorically, but he doesn't understand what I mean by that or why I want it. It's so painful.

I totally get your apprehension for the funeral and your concern about shifting family dynamics. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[Pepin]

I'm sorry, Pepin. It sounds lonely for you.

I know what I want with my husband is to feel like we're a team facing life's challenges together. But all the in-law family stuff feels like it's me pitted against his family with poor him in the middle. I want him to stand beside me metaphorically, but he doesn't understand what I mean by that or why I want it. It's so painful.

I totally get your apprehension for the funeral and your concern about shifting family dynamics. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

This is exactly it.  I feel as though I have been clawing my way through my marriage trying to prove that we indeed are a team.  We show up together, stay together and go home to be together.  But whenever DH is in DPD MIL's presence, he regresses and becomes her son again and I am somewhat invisible.  I feel like I am in the way to their private mother/son relationship.  This is never going to go away until it is her turn.  And actually, after this family member passes, chronologically, it really will be her turn.  Who knows....maybe she will start behaving herself or maybe she will get worse....since she is PD, I think it is only going to get worse which means that I have to buckle down harder with boundaries for myself.  Ugh....so tired of this.