Breaking point - Part 2

[escapingman]

I will start a new thread in this part of the forum as this has become inevitable. One of the last things I wrote in the other one was that I need to get a plan to get out. I didn't think it could get any worse from there, but it has. She went away for a few days with a friend, first time she ever left me and the kids at home on our own. We had a blast all weekend, kids laughing and not fighting at all as they usually do. She then comes home from this trip with her friend (which I am pretty sure has some PD problem herself) and it had not even gone 10 minutes before she kicked off with all 3 of us and raged the entire evening and the entire day after. Apparently, she has not got her way with her friend and only done things her friend wanted to do (this is typical my uNPDw as she then becomes a victim and has the right to complain). To top this all up now both kids have caught Covid and we all must isolate in the house, but you know who is the biggest victim? Yes you guessed it right. I really don't know how to survive over a week isolating like this, suppose I at least have the reason to stay in a different room to her and try to plan for the exit. But Good help me, I don't think I can manage no Jade and MC with being provoked 24/7, I know I can't as I already have slipped several times with her gaslighting. I really do hate her, my stomach turns when I look at her and when I hear her false voice talking utter sh*t.

Oh, when she was away SG sat down with me in calm and told me how wonderful and calm it is without her mum in the house.....

[notrightinthehead]

Consider it as a test.  The Ironman of living with a PD.  Your resolve is being tested to the extreme.  Then go back to MC and Grey Rock.  Masterclass. If you are anything like I am,  you will be amazed how much in control of the situation you feel and how much stronger and happier with yourself you feel when you refuse being manipulated into doing or saying things you don't want to. Or feeling how you don't really feel inside.

[escapingman]

This has escalated, it really is a nightmare. The gaslighting and triangulation has reached new heights. She keeps back chatting me and making up stories for the Golden Child which has ended up GC has taken it up herself to shout and swear at me. It's only so much you can take before you break down, which I did in the end and lost it. I know I need out, but now with all of us isolating there is no escape even for a few minutes. My fleas are coming back in this environment, I hate myself for it.

The other day she announced from nowhere she hates the house and we need to sell and move. First she says we can just divide the money and go separate ways, then she starts talking to the children about we all will go to a bigger house with bigger garden and more space etc. Does she really think moving would make all problems just go away? She find another 1000 problems as soon as she would be in a new house. Then we had a massive row again, or she had a massive shouting session telling me how much she hates me etc, so I told her that we are done and she needs to move out as soon as this is over. She ignored that and 5r minutes later pretends it's all fine again. This craziness is driving me absolutely mental, I can't remember how normal people behave but my guess is that is if someone declares they want to end the relationship, move apart and divorce you would listen to it? Oh no, she keeps talking about holidays, projects, house moves and you name it.

I am trying to be decent but I can't, I don't want to throw away any more of my life. I have told her I want a divorce, if she ignores that it's her problem, it should come as no surprise when I go ahead with it.

[escapingman]

Just to add one note of another light bulb moment I have had this week, how she behaves towards me has absolutely nothing to do with how I have behaved towards her and has nothing to do with me. I can tell her to F* off and five minutes later she comes and declares her undying love for me, I can be as nice as you can to her and she comes and stick two fingers up to me telling me she hates me. It's like living with a robot, you have no idea what you get and it doesn't matter how you behave. Everything, absolutely everything is depending on how her wires are connected in a particular moment and if they flag up white or black.

[Bunnyme]

It is a very hard but important lesson to realize that their behavior really has nothing to do with you.  You cant control what she does or thinks.  It took a long time for that to really sink in for me.
Also, the denial can be astonishing.  In my case, I was absolutely clear that we are done.  We are living separately.  I filed for divorce and we are going back and forth on a settlement.  Still, the other day (after some love bombing), he wanted to get together to talk about our relationship.  Like, if he sends one kind text, surely that erases our entire bad history.  I've had to tell him over and over that we are absolutely done.  So, I can totally relate to how hard that can be to deal with, and can attest to the fact that the denial may continue even after you live separately.
Stay strong.  It sounds like the fog has lifted and you have a good perspective on the situation.  I'm sorry that your "GC" is still in the fog.  Id try to engage as little as possible and go gray rock as much as you could.  I'm sure having to isolate in that situation is difficult. 

[Poison Ivy]

If I tell someone that I'm "absolutely done" (or similar words) and then I stay in the situation, I understand why other people might be confused by my intentions.

[escapingman]

Poison Ivy, that is not true. We share a roof, but sleep in different rooms and spend minimal time together. I keep to myself, but she tries to deny this and pretends all is well. I left the relationship a long time ago, but because of lock downs and isolations I have struggled to get to the next step. I tried to leave twice but missed my kids to much and could not fint a way round lock down rules so went back.

[escapingman]

Today has just been another one of those days, this morning she had complete amnesia about her shouting and screaming yesterday. No memory what so ever that I said we are done and I want her to move out. Aftger doing MC and no JADE all day she complains I am cold to her and she can't understand why I am so mean to her. Then the criticism starts, she question why there isn't as much water in the pasta bake I was cooking as when she is doing it. Then watching over me when I am putting the cheese in making sure I get to know the cheese needs to be completely sunk into the bake as it would burn if not. Then she takes over the washing up and starts kicking off as the cheese grater was to difficult to clean and I had used it incorrect. I kept my MC and no Jade all the way through until she started shouting at SG for something I can't even remember what it was as it was so trivial, I tell her to stop and GC screams at me to "shut the fuck up". Here is again where I can't manage anymore, when GC behaves and acts exactly like her. I then just left the room to avoid further problems, but then she comes in and comes to give me a hug. A hug? My blood was boiling, I can't stand her. So I walked away again and she looks completely confused wondering what she has done and then blames it all on me pretending she has done absolutely nothing. My mind is absolutely f*cked up, she can seriously not do all of that and then pretend it never happened? It's not possible, so have I made it up? Have I overreacted? I know I haven't, but why do I question myself? I even have it all recorded so I know I can listen to it all to but still.

One more week of isolation because of this Covid-19 crap, then when I am legally allowed to leave the house again I will call a lawyer and get the ball rolling.

Please tell me I am not making this up.

[Poison Ivy]

I don't think you're overreacting. I'm glad for you that you will be able to leave the house in a week, contact a lawyer, and get the ball rolling.

[escapingman]

This is starting to freak me out now, since I made it clear we are done she keeps trying to come and touch me and to be affectionate. She still doesn't have a clue how to actually do it in a nice way as it is just as she is entitled to it, no regards for how I react and how I say no. She has made it up in her mind that all is good now, just because she has decided I apparently have to as well, she is talking about holidays, the future and so on. But I finished with her and said we are splitting up 2 days ago, nothing has changed and I have not told her otherwise, how can she herself think she can just decide I have now changed my mind? I am doing MC and Gray rock but I am only a human so I try to answer her when she speak to me and I try to be polite, when possible. I also know, however much she has painted me white and put my on a pedestal and at the moment worships me, she is only one split second away from something rocking her world and for her to paint me black and rip in to me as if I was some kind of turd she dragged into the house on her shoes.  I am obviously not going to provoke her to go back to being painted black, a little bit of respite is quite needed, but I could do without her touching me.

I suppose with all this, I need to make this about me and not her, I need to make sure I can go ahead with this whatever colour I am currently painted in.

[ploughthrough2021]

Stay strong and do what is best for yourself and the kids.

[escapingman]

I just feel so desperately sad, we have got it all, we have a fantastic house, amazing kids, enough money, great holidays, but why is it not enough? After yet again another couple of days of shouting and screaming at the kids and at me, I have had enough. It's easy to write here I am leaving her, I am just gonna divorce her, but it feels so wrong when everything should be so good. Everything is wrong, nothing is good enough, I could literally win millions on the lottery and she would complain why I had to win it the week the jackpot wasn't higher. I put my foot down and told her she is mean and asked why she is so mean all the time, she looked blank and calmly told me that I am the mean one, she has done nothing wrong and that she is sick of being the victim of the abuse from me and the children. She has now taken the car and driven off, no one knows where, this triggered me to write this. I feel so desperately sad that she rather play these games instead of growing up and enjoy life. I have long realised there is no future with her as all dreams she talks about will only come crumbling down as soon as we reach them.

[square]

Be in a good mood by the time she comes back 

[Benny]

Escaping Man.   I have read every post from this and the original link that started this thread off.  I relate exactly to what you're going through.  The same patterns are there, the cycle of idealisation followed by the devaluation, the carrying on as if nothing happened the next hour or day, the feeling of living with a (unpleasant or annoyingly shallow) room-mate and not a wife.  The hope that the children will be protected and shielded from the worst of her prolonged rages that she clearly has no control over.  The unwillingness or more truthfully the absolute inability she shows in being able to accept responsibility for her abuse, or to ever even see it as abuse at all (which obviously as everyone will know here, it IS).  The absence of a normal, intimate and trusting sexual relationship.  The disgust I feel when she wants to give me hug, so soon after calling me all the worst things under the sun for several hours only the night before.  The effort involved in not being drawn into JADE type behaviour.  The desire the leave but the dilemma of not wanting to leave the children, the fear of not seeing them if I separate and all the game play that leaving might evoke.  I really feel for you man.  There is no easy solution.  My thinking is that I need to try and understand what strategies are available to me to set boundaries and keep calm at all times, and get support from friends etcetera.  I believe I can only change myself and improve my own approach.  There's no pretty way of painting it, my wife is mentally ill and I know now I cannot help her or change her or get her to see anything.  Her reality is all she sees and all she will see.  She falsely apprehends me and anyone else she is close to as an extension of herself and her own limited version of reality, divergence is seen as betrayal, disagreement is seen as criticism.  I believe she failed to fully actualise and separate as an individual at some formative stage and is stuck as a dependent infant who punishes her caregiver when the threat of abandonment is anticipated.   The abuse is her way of trying to form a bond with me to gain affirmation and security, I think she is terrified, is ruled by irrational fear, and trauma bonds in the absence of a better, healthier connection strategy.   I'm left to conclude after years of counselling, reading and reflection that she has BPD or possibly CPTSD.  Anyway, once we understand more or less what we're dealing with we need to take steps to create healthy distance and offset the worst behaviour without being drawn in emotionally.  We have to know ourselves and peacefully refuse the drama.  It's bloody difficult but we're here to hear your story while we also learn how.  I'll be looking out over your next steps as I'm seeing separation as a possibility also.   Peace.

[escapingman]

Benny, thank you for your post. It's spot on.

Again, after her outburst she started love bombing me, talking about how happy we are and the future etc. It took her less than 48 hours, then the rage within her couldn't stay away. She went to minor injuries with one of the kids that had complained about pain in the foot, of course it was a queue and it took them 3 hours to get seen too. This took them past her set time for her evening meal and wind down, 7pm noone can disturb her, she locks her into the lounge with her food and her tv. But it was 7.30pm and the kids started playing up a bit, but when she sits down everybody needs to be quiet and not disturb her. It ended up with her running out of the lounge chasing the child she went to minor injuries with and screaming and eventually hitting her over the arm. Not acceptable. Not at all. I tell her it's not acceptable, and my daughter complains she hits her all the time. Not acceptable. Wife then tries to justify her behaviour putting all the blame on the child. Not acceptable. Then apparently the other child sees her starting writing on her own stomach, asking what she is doing and getting a mouthful its none of her business. This morning I am told by the child (who apparently made it her business to find out what she was writing) that she was writing all names she is being called and really again vicitimise herself. After all this drama that continued all morning I offered the kids to walk them to school, this eneded up in another row as if I asked to walk them it meant I had a problem with her as she was going to drive them. We all told her we just want to walk and she can come as well, but she couldn't come as she wasn't invited properly. Not acceptable.

I think I started to have a wobble and to give it a few weeks to see if she could change, she gave me less than 48 hours to prove she can't. I am almost completely Out of the FOG so not to bothered by her drama anymore, but when it affects the children I am bothered. They deserve better and I am going to make sure they get better.

[Benny]

Your wife's abuse of your children is where she crosses a huge red line.  I don't know what country you are in and I know the courts discriminate and often favour the mother over the father, but if you have solid evidence you may be granted full protective custody.  Might be worth gathering as much evidence as possible in this regard and quietly, and in confidence, taking your situation to a solid legal professional.  Trouble is, every avenue carries risk, the authorities are biased and social services can often get over involved and cause more harm than good.  Do you have family who can have the children stop over to give them a break and a sense of how things are done in a different environment on a regular basis?  I recall your sharing how you get times away with them on your own terms.  I suppose so long as you're sharing the same house with the wife the next best thing is to take advantage of getting space away with them as often as possible.  It's been a great strength to me to be able to have trusted friends and family that I can share the reality with, I hope you and your children have this sort of support and affirmation also, otherwise the gaslighting can be too much if we're stuck with it in isolation.  We need to be congruent with someone and counter the personality disordered individual who works against that.  That's the benefit of us coming here isn't it, it's keeping us sane and grounded.

[escapingman]

I have pulled her up on what she did yesterday and told her that is not acceptable, she is now playing the massive victim as I am so cold to her and that I am not speaking to her etc etc. Since the event yesterday I have been cold towards her, applied MC and GR, but she still can't see that it is caused by her behaviour. Apparently we had such a good time yesterday and now I am just cold, she can't take me blowing hot and cold. My gob is literally on the floor, I had lunch with her yesterday and engaged in listening to her monologues, that was great for her apparently, didn't give me much as we only spoke about her stuff (again), but she then rage and expect me to just accept it. I can't. Now she has given me an ultimatum, either I stop blowing hot and cold or else I need to set her free. With setting her free I am apparently supposed to just gibe her half of everything we own and let her go. Fine by me, but I know it won't happen. And, I am just getting seriously pi$$ed off that she projects it all on me and that despite she is the one abusing us all I am the one blamed for being the abuser.

Funny bit (not really fun) but when I was still in the FOG she cold rage at me and then hide in her bedroom doing the silent treatment to me for days despite me begging her to forgive me for something I hadn't done.

[square]

You're absolutely right that this abusive behavior toward the children is totally unacceptable. There is plenty of other abuse going on as well but society doesn't necessarily acknowledge all types of abuse. But it acknowledges that type, and it is a red line.

[escapingman]

I am crying. She has really done it. After I pulled her up on her abuse last week she has done all she can to turn the kids against me, and boy has she succeeded. I am so angry. I decided I need to get out within days, probably without the kids as they are against me at the moment. I really can't understand how anyone can be so evil and nasty as she is, why turn your own children against their dad when still living together? Why at all? All lies, nothing she has said to them is true, but they lap up her golden period she is giving to them. I can't say anything to defend myself to the kids because she has already laid the ground. I have to go, and I have to go this week. This is killing me.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry your wife's behavior is getting worse. Do what you need to keep yourself safe.