Healing from a abusive relationship - Feelings are overbearing

[ChristinaJH]

Hi there,

It has been now 6 month since I am out of a very abusive relationship. He was extremely manipulative and basically drove me insane. I suffered a sever depression, developed an anxiety disorder and at days I wished not to be alive anymore. Luckily I am now free of this person and with that I got rid of my anxiety and only at times I get depressed. I have been in therapy and this has helped me a lot, not to blame myself and to be more patient.

My therapist told me that I suffer from flashbacks and that I have some sort of PTSD, trying to handle what I have been through. But I was wondering if anyone can help me with my anger/ frustration. At times I feel like I am back in the relationship, and the feeling of frustration/ being helpless and especially the anger - luckily not at myself anymore - are overbearing. I try to let my anger out in a controlled manner: like hitting a pillow, I even set is stuff on fire at a fireplace. But I feel like it is not really helping. Every time I get angry again it is sometimes too much to handle, so I try to not think of it too much. Does anyone have experience with the aftermath of coming out of a relationship?

I don't really have thoughts of revenge because I know he truly does not really give a f**** about anything and it would not change what has happened, nor will he ever truly regret what he had done or feel some remorse. He never abused my physically but sometimes I wished he did, then the wounds would have been visible at least. I haven't been dating since, nor can I imagine myself dating in the near future. I just feel like this relationship has changed me profoundly and I worry I'll never be free of it once and for all.

[ploughthrough2021]

In my case, extreme anger was a phase but it goes away as you come Out of the FOG.  I think it is normal to express anger coming out of an abusive relationship because you have not done what you want to do in life.  I am now trying to make up for it but it is a bit sad because it is too late to do many things that I had wanted to do in life...  I hope this answer can help you find your ways

[1footouttadefog]

For me anger was part of grieving.

I had to grieve the fake person I had tried to have a relationship with for so lome


I had to grieve the time and opportunities wasted/sacrificed for the relationship.

I had to greive the "together and strong" me that it turns out is vulnerable to pd garbage.

This last step was important as I could then accept flawed me and then set out to rebuild a stronger Out of the FOG pd resistant me.

The anger storm is unpleasant but can pass.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. I am really glad you have reached out for support as you heal from the trauma of this relationship and so sorry for what you have experienced.

I just feel like this relationship has changed me profoundly and I worry I'll never be free of it once and for all.

Making the head/heart connection... that you are truly free of this person and safe is possible, I have found in my own life. Being gentle with yourself as you go is important to your healing.

You are already making such healthy and life affirming choices by working with a therapist and reaching out for support. Bravo!

There came a time in my recovery that I had to learn to work with my feelings. And for me, I had to first, recognize what I was feeling having suppressed my feelings for so many years. When I began to work with them it was kind of like a suitcase that had been stuffed so full that it burst open and there were feelings everywhere.

And anger, grief, disappointment, fear, frustration... and so many more, loomed large as I grieved and healed.

Like you, I found a good T to work with and then the work of Karla McLaren - The Language of Emotions, was ground breaking for me. A link to her free articles is here: https://karlamclaren.com/emotional-vocabulary-page/

Learning that each emotion tells us something important and has a vital role to play in our lives helped me to lean into the emotions like anger and work with them in ways that brought self acceptance and understanding. You may find her work of good help to you alongside what you are already doing.

Learning that I was living in a perpetual state of hypervigilence and that my starting gate position was a trauma response when even slightly alarmed was also illuminating and gave me back more emotional stability and ground that I had lost. The work of Pete Walker around Complex PTSD and learning to deal with flashback management has also been foundational to my push through the aftermath of living in an abusive relationship.

A link to Pete Walker's work: http://www.pete-walker.com

And another quick resource... not to overwhelm you, but we have a sister site that many here at Out of the FOG also participate at and the focus of that site is healing and dealing with relational trauma and resulting CPTSD. You may find that another supportive community and that is found here: https://www.outofthestorm.website

In the meantime, make good use of the toolbox and resources at the tabs above and helpful resources you will find all over the site. Settle into this wonderful community where we do understand and we will support you as you process and heal and move forward!

[Gettintired76]

Christina, I too just came out of a very abusive, and very manipulative relationship, and honestly the only reason she let me go is I think she knew she had financially drained me as much as she could. That being said, yes the anger/depression stage takes awhile to get through, sometimes recurring several times, that is unfortunately what always drew me back to her, what made her love bombing all the more effective the last several times she "broke up" with me. So honestly I myself am striving to overcome that stage, and yes it does make it hard when you have to see them succeed at every stage while you seem to not be getting anywhere( my situation) and it makes it a little harder when you have children. But grr sorry it seems I keep making these posts about me....I with you 100% hoping it gets better, that we can maintain our strength and stay Out of the FOG for good, coming out better people.

[Boat Babe]

I echo what everyone else has said.

You absolutely will get through this and out the other side. Know that trauma does change a person but that is not always a bad thing. What you learn in the recovery work will make you a wiser, stronger and better person, no doubt about it.

As to the anger, I found that vigorous, aerobic exercise helped enormously. Running, brisk walking, swimming, martial arts training and classes all help to release the cortisol and adrenaline from your system and lead to better sleep and general wellness.

Good luck and see you on the boards.