guilt trips, manipulation, attempts to control

[Lisa]

Hi Everyone!

Just popping on for a quick story time with you all.  I have had very limited contact with my Mom over the past half a year since I moved far away from my hometown. She never calls and when she texts it's all about coming to visit me and that she needs to see me and demanding I pick a date or straight up telling me when she will be coming, I either ignore it or make up excuses but it is so tiring.  (We have no other communication, she never texts to ask how I am, how my family is, typical things you talk about when you care about someone-- yet she wants to come stay with me and visit for a week?!)
  She has lied about covid travel restrictions (like I can't just google that myself to find out the truth).  Last month she was adamant that she would not be getting vaccinated, this past week she messaged to say that she will be fully vaccinated by August and will be coming to visit me (just like that like I don't have a choice).  I responded saying that August doesn't work for me and my family to have visitors and tried to make some small chat about other neutral things like the weather.  She responds saying she got vaccinated just so she could see me (I never said this was a requirement) and talked about her needs and how she doesn't ask me for much and I have to do this for her.  I stood to my boundary and just said I am thinking of visiting her area in the fall or winter and would be happy to visit her when I am there.  Now silent treatment.

I am feeling proud of myself and also totally amazed at her behaviours of manipulation, guilt trips and selfishness.

[moglow]

Wow, that takes some 'nads, doesn't it?! Never ask about or show any interest but push when she's "coming to visit." In my little world, we ask when's a good time or wait until we're invited. I can just as easily see mine saying: I'm your MOTHER, I'm coming when I say I am! I'm just about smartass enough to say she can get whatever shots she wants, that's completely beside the point and you STILL don't have time to entertain her.

My guess is someone else asked her has she been there, what does she think of your new house etc and she has to invent roadblocks to cover herself and lack of knowledge.

[Cat of the Canals]

This has been my PDmil the entire past year and a half. There's no asking when would be a good time for us. We are simply expected to drop everything whenever she demands it. She at one point declared that "COVID IS OVER." What she really meant was "I have my vaccine now, so you can't use covid as an excuse anymore.

She's actually shut up about it the last few months, but only because she suddenly realized she didn't have an enhanced licensed and thinks that means she can't fly. (I'm pretty sure they extended the deadline, but I won't be the one to tell her that.  ) She gets her new license this month, so then I'm sure it will be back on the guilt/obligation merry-go-round.

We have no other communication, she never texts to ask how I am, how my family is, typical things you talk about when you care about someone-- yet she wants to come stay with me and visit for a week?!

Exactly! My mil has no interest in anyone but herself. We joke that we are cardboard cutouts to her. She's happy enough to have us sit there and nod and say "mhmm." There's never any conversation. Just her ranting and raving and being judgmental. Why she's so intent on "spending time with us" is beyond me. I guess she gets bored of the standard cutouts and wants some new ones from time to time.

I'm sorry you're in this position, Lisa. They never let up and it really is exhausting. Congratulations on sticking to your boundaries.

[pianissimo]

That sounds a lot like my mother. My mother and I have no bond whatsoever. I stopped making excuses to not have her visit me after finding out about narcissism. I tell her straight out "No, I don't want you to visit me." She guilt trips me and everything, then, I go "You asked me if you can visit me, and, my answer is no".  So far so good.

[Lisa]

Moglow, I think you have a point!  She must want to tell people around town that she had a summer vacation out here with me and show off some photos or something.
If she really "needed" to see me, she would be just as happy that I offered to come see her in the next couple months. but she's not, she's pissed.

I think part of it is also about control.  There is a long history of her having control of me and getting enjoyment out of making me do things I didn't want to.  But, that would be a whole other post!