Bullet point behaviors

[Tribe16]

So relationship with uPD mom has deteriorated so rapidly in the past few months. She has not always been this way. She has always been miserable in her marriage, but caregiving for my dad has exacerbated her moods. Dad is a gentle, passive, go-along-to-get-along guy and Mom's personality has always been Type A,controlling, martyr like, but not awful to be around. That all changed probably about a year ago. Covid, and the death of two of her good friends didn't help things. Mom is an energizer bunny, always running around, doesn't really sit and relax, but can be vocal about "all she has to do" (her choice). Isn't good about accepting help. Please recognize my reactions were before I knew this website existed or that mom probably has PD. Hence me saying/doing all the wrong things. Weird behavior episodes as follows:

- This is when I first thought, "WTH?". I come for a visit. Night before I leave. Dad offers to drive me to the airport (Dad still driving at this point, he can't do a lot anymore but he wanted to be helpful.) Mom argues, No, she will be taking me. Dad again offers. Mom says No. Dad says, "Let me help." Mom goes into a rage and says "Tribe16, you choose. Who do you want to take you to the airport?" I say, "Mom! This is crazy. Don't make me choose between the two of you. I'm gonna call Uber, don't worry about this." Mom bursts into tears, runs into her room and slams door.

- Had a really bad day at work one day, called to chat with Mom. We're shooting the breeze. I mention that my boss has been really difficult. (I'm not enjoying this job but DH has been laid off for a year so I'm not in a position to quit). Out of the blue, Mom says "You're not the only one with problems. There are worse things than an unemployed husband. Goodbye. Here's your Dad."

- Next visit, Mom seems to have a chip on her shoulder. I am there for 3 days to help with things. She makes little digs. Like "Why is a college education so important for you? You don't even know what you want to do. I've never seen you be passionate about anything." That stung, I don't believe that's true but whatever. (I'm a late in life online college student - just going back because I love learning and want to do this for myself). She also says things like "You're just like your father" which I know is meant as a criticism and not a compliment.

- Mom in a mood, complaining about Dad watching TV in living room and that it's turned up too loud. I suggest, "What if I move the big TV to Dad's room and bring the little one in his room out here? She is onboard with that or so she said (I'm guessing she's thinking he'll be holed up in his room and she won't have to be around him as much). So I make the change, I have to move a few things around on his desk. I can see she is ramping up and getting irritated and I'm not sure why. Dad's desk is pretty dusty so I wipe things down a bit. His power cords (computers, printers, etc) are a mess so I label the cords. Mom goes ballistic. She is seething and takes me aside and yells "You never change things around with a person who has dementia!" First of all, having spent time with my dad, he's getting a little forgetful, he's frail but IMHO he doesn't have dementia. He delivers a punchline like nobody's business, he's still a political junkie, yada yada. Mom devolves into silent treatment (this was a habit in my childhood, haven't experienced it for years, but ooooohhh, those icky feelings resurface after 40 years.)

- Mom tells me "I lack empathy" and "I don't see the big picture" because I haven't read her mind and seen that she needs relief. This really throws me. I question myself for days, "I lack empathy?"  Problem is, I have already suggested my mom join a caregiver support group. I suggest she get some counseling. This is met with disgust. Comments made are "I don't have time for that." or "You're the one with self-esteem issues. I don't need counseling." I might add Empathy is my #1 strength on the Gallup Strengths Test but I digress. This is the first time that projection starts to enter my consciousness.

- Mom has been nitpicking at me all weekend and the night before I leave, I lose it and tell her "I have been trying to meet your extremely high expectations my entire life and you always end up being disappointed." This is met with tears and "Oh I'm a terrible mother, arent i?" and "If you have emotional problems from your childhood, you need to figure that out because that's in the past and I did the best I could" and a whole host of other things that have happened in her life (and yes, she has had some tragedies, I do not discount that - one was my little sister died and I know that was traumatic). I have been pummelled with my comment as a weapon now for weeks. Mom cannot let go of this. It has now evolved into "You said I've annoyed you your entire life." It doesn't matter if I argue that I never said THAT, she holds onto this like a dog with a bone. It didn't matter that I apologized, that I felt terrible for hurting her feelings, the breach has been made. She basically  lists how I have no interest in helping them with legal things (I'm thinking POA and that sort of thing} And I ask "Why do you wait until the night before I'm leaving? Why didn't you ask me this weeks ago? I would totally make time for this!" Again, because I'm not a mind reader, I'm toast. Now she refuses to discuss at all.

- Now Mom doesn't talk to me on the phone. Dad will hand her the phone and she'll say things like "What do you want?" I'll say, I'm just checking in to say Hi. She'll be sarcastic and say "We're fine." I ask if there's anything I can help you with? She repeats "We're fine".

- I knew things were getting bad and she was in over her head so I made one more visit last month. She claimed she wanted time alone in her house so she didn't have to worry about caregiving. She had a laundry list of errands I was to take care of with Dad. This would keep him out of the house and give her a break. We did as she wished. Dad only has about 5 hours of energy and then he is wiped out so we would come back so he could lay down. Dad and I had a lovely weekend, nice visit. In my mind, I am always thinking, this could be the last time I see Dad. If this were the case I was grateful for the time I got to spend with him. So on Sunday, again, the night before I leave, Mom flies into a rage. Remember, she has asked us to do all these errands and silly me, I thought we were helping her. Well I'm a terrible daughter and he's a terrible husband, because horrors, we enjoyed ourselves this weekend. We were supposed to be miserable like her. How dare we have fun! She gives us the list of all the terrible things I have done, and he has done, and since we have so much fun together, it's time for Dad to come live with me. She is saying awful stuff about my dad in front of both of us. I said, "Mom, your marriage is not something I am qualified to fix. That's between you and Dad. You guys need some counseling". Wrong thing to say! Anyway, the whole thing was ugly, ugly, ugly.

Since that time we don't talk, I keep in touch with Dad. He asks if I want to talk to mom, I say, "No, I'm good for today." Mom never calls (hasn't called in 6+ months), leaves passive aggressive lovey dovey posts on Facebook and tags family members except me.

I'm sure my mom has some kind of BPD or NPD but I don't know what and I'm just stunned that it deteriorated so fast and that I became a scapegoat.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm sorry, Tribe16. This sounds really rough.

Your mom sounds a lot like mine. She is capable of being well-behaved and even pleasant... but ONLY if everything is going 100% her way. The second there's one little hiccup, she will fly off the handle. This can be something as small as my dad telling one of his stories with 100 different asides (something the rest of us joke about, but we don't really mind)... it's like she senses that he's been in the limelight for a bit too long, and she's suddenly interrupting to correct and argue over every tiny detail, make snide remarks about how "no one wants to hear about this," etc.

I suspect the stress of caretaking has revealed what's underneath the Type A, Miss Perfect veneer. I shudder to think of what will happen if my mother ends up in that role for my dad. He's always taken the brunt of her abuse as it is.

Every nasty thing she says to you is 100% projection. Those comments about getting a college education, for example... might I hazard a guess that she never went to college? The fact that you are doing this is probably threatening enough, but the fact that you're doing it ON YOUR OWN? Gasp! The nerve! The gall! Don't you know you're making her look bad?

Dad can't drive you to the airport, because then she can't take credit for doing "everything." And it probably wouldn't have mattered whether or not you had a good or bad time running errands with your dad because again... it was another thing she couldn't take credit for. But the fact that you DID have a good time is even worse.

Similarly, she can't join a support group or anything like that, because then she can't keep playing martyr.

You say you said/did all the wrong things, but I actually think you handled a lot of this pretty well. Telling her that her marriage problems aren't yours to fix? That's top shelf Medium Chill right there. Most people who have gone through 6 months of silent treatment would probably be on their knees, begging for forgiveness. The fact that you've responded as though this is HER thing to get past (because it is) means you have very good instincts when it comes to your stuff/her stuff.

[1footouttadefog]

Definitely sounds like some pd going on there.

She has likely lost a very dear to her source of narc supply as a result of your father's aging.

Perhaps she had a friendship or social outlet that has had to discontinue due to caretaking, maybe even an affair partner told her its time to take care of her husband and broke up.  Who knows, but one thing is for sure this is her issue and you cannot fix it for her.

I hope she does not cause you to be cut off from your father. 

Sounds like you are handling things well all things considered.

[Tribe16]

Thank you Cat and 1Foot. I am learning that responding in the old ways doesn't help me OR her, it is a lose-lose situation. I'm learning and trying to do what my therapist says, which is "she's sick, don't take it personally - it is all about her and has nothing to do with you." That is the lesson that is hard to learn. I get there bit by bit.

[moglow]

Tribe, I've been repeating that to myself for years, that it's not personal. I reread The Four Agreements on the regular, to reinforce it. But it's our mothers, so there's a different level of personal there, at least for us. And it's painful as fuck when they don't even see it.