First time here

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lirbo90

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First time here
« on: July 15, 2021, 06:35:24 PM »
Hello to all! I've been reading your stories on this forum for a long time and they have helped me a lot over the years, but this is the first time I'm posting.

I am the only son of a borderline/narc type mother. I have very few memories of my childhood, but the little I do remember doesn't seem glorious. Death threats because I failed an exam, threats to have my dog euthanized, lots of manipulation, belittling, etc. On my mother's side, most of the family are dysfunctional and I have a deep contempt for them. It's not a nice feeling to have, but I've had it towards them since I was a kid! My mother is a borderline Queen type, so I always had to be at her service and it was exhausting, it's surprising that I never had a burnout!

What I don't understand is that people saw how I was treated and nobody did anything! I'm not saying to intervene directly, but at least to call the police or social services, it was obvious that I was not well and that I was not happy. I used to talk about dying as a child and of course my mother ridiculed me and told me that if I killed myself the whole family would have a party to celebrate my death.

I think I feel the need to write for many reasons.

First, I read a book by a journalist who also had a narcissistic mother and she mentioned the importance of healing childhood wounds, because they may come back when our children are the same age as our trauma and my girlfriend and I are trying to have a child.

Second, I realize that I am far too indifferent to my successes. I have worked very hard for years and now I have more than I ever imagined at 30. And yet I am indifferent to it. The last time one of my projects went well, I pretended to be very happy so that my girlfriend wouldn't think I was weird.

And finally, because I have had inexplicable physical pain for years. No doctor and medical imaging found what I had!

On the other hand, I'm very proud of the fact that I didn't become a toxic person like I swore I wouldn't when I was a child.   


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notrightinthehead

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Re: First time here
« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2021, 04:45:59 AM »
Welcome! and congratulations on keeping it together. 
I asked myself the same question many times - why did nobody intervene and help when I was a kid? The point is,  we survived. Against all odds. Now we have to deal with the trauma.  Because we do not want to repeat the pattern.  The fact that you feel very little might be an indication that you are still stuck in the 'freeze'  stage,  not allowing yourself to feel much for fear  all the accumulated anger from years of abuse will boil up.  So now you have to keep your feelings bottled up.   Maybe it is something else. Only you can work that out, hopefully with the assistance of a skilled and knowledgeable therapist. 
It is wonderful that you want to work on yourself before having a child.  When I had my kids it became less and less understandable for me how an adult (my mother) could have treated a little one the way she had.  When I got to know them, I found them so adorable, so in need of my protection and love, I could not understand that one would do such things to little children.  And you probably will feel the same.
I hope you will share your journey of healing with us. See you around on the boards.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.