New here, but we are already separating

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socalgal

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New here, but we are already separating
« on: July 16, 2021, 02:04:22 AM »
I met him in 2018, and things were great but I noticed that he kept me at a distance. So I never suspected PD as I had dealt with that before, and usually they come on strong at first. He had come out of a 10 year marriage five years before, and complained a bit about his ex on the second date - that was probably the most obvious red flag. Other than that, he seemed normal, sweet, interested in what I had to say. He was very hesitant to introduce me to his children, and I didn’t meet them for six months. That all seemed very normal, not rushed at all. In fact I felt like maybe he wasn’t that serious about us because he seemed to try to keep me at arms length, and we didn’t see each other very often for two people who had dated nearly half a year. I was thinking of breaking things off when he suddenly used the “L” word. That also seemed a bit strange. I wonder if he could tell? Things continued to go well, but every time I he detected I was annoyed at something - not mad, but maybe a bit irritated - he would say I was angry. It was weird because I felt like he was projecting something on me. It was several months in that I discovered he had issues with his mom. He said she was often “self centered” and “judgemental” but I wasn’t really seeing much evidence of that - maybe a bit self-centered at times but he made it out like it was a big deal. I feel like he complained about his ex-wife in the same way. These did kind of seem like red flags but by then I was really involved. Once again, he was real sweet. Though, I did notice he wasn’t very helpful, and shortly after we started dating he became less and less eager to ever plan our dates. Also, I was starting to notice that if I had a bad day he would seem disinterested in hearing about it. He usually would just say, “Bummer.” It was around this time that I accidentally got pregnant. I’m in my 40’s and we were admittedly not as great about birth control as we should have. I’d always wanted a son, but our relationship was starting to look a bit tenuous so I was really worried about this new phase. He seemed overwhelmed about it but not as upset as I had expected someone who had told me he finds his kids overwhelming at times. He asked me to move in with him. It was around this time he had started to show signs of depression. He had told me he had it around six months but at that time it had seemed like his therapy and meds kept it under control. Now, looking back, I think we were in some sort of “honeymoon phase” and he was pretending to be fine. In order to move in with him I had to get rid of most of my stuff. His three bedroom house was very full, and there wasn’t much space for my things. I had my own house which I put on the rental market, and I currently have tenants in a lease until next July. My contract got ended when my baby was born at the start of the pandemic. He lost his job after our baby was born. Surprisingly, things weren’t terrible for month or so. But as the months went further on, he stressed about getting a job. I should probably point out that at this point we hadn’t really gotten into an argument. Which is weird for two people who have been together for over a year. I got anxious about both of us being unemployed so when I got contacted about a job, I was excited to go through the interview process and got the offer. When I told him the good news he was not happy. Red flag. He also doubled his efforts to get a job, and complained that he didn’t want to take care of the baby. I totally get that, but it was very discouraging for him to say that since he didn’t have a job at the time and we both knew his watching the baby was temporary. He started a new role at a company about a month later, and I thought everything would be better now that he had a job and income rolling in. But nope. He was still very depressed, and he had started getting mad at me for things I said and did. Suddenly he was seeing micro aggressions everywhere. For a few months I agonized over it, wondering what I had done wrong, walking on eggshells. But then I started thinking about how I’d never been with someone who had these issues with me. Anything I said to him could be misconstrued - advice, a comment about something his kids did (“so-and-so didn’t touch his broccoli”), innocent observations would be taken severely and personally. He has a lot of issues with organization and putting away his mail, but I couldn’t help him because I risked making him angry, so he had to hire a professional organizer to help. He has a son with depression and emotional issues, who a barely eats, and I had to watch helplessly as it got worse. I started to see a “golden child” and “scapegoat” family dynamic with his kids. At this point I’d also started to shut down for fear that I would just upset him where I barely said anything of substance. He noticed that and got upset with me about it. I told him I couldn’t say anything or it would make him mad. Sometimes we would get in arguments where I didn’t care and honestly told him what I thought, and he would get so pissed he would throw things. He insisted that is he was seeing a therapist about his issues that I should too. We also tried a couples therapist but after going twice and making little headway and him being his false self, I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. He basically felt empowered to approach me several times a day about what I was doing that offended him so much. Some things that made him angry were that I didn’t work with him enough on dinner, that I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with him buying large quantities of beer constantly using our joint grocery budget, being mad at me because I once, several months ago told him he’s not a very adventurous eater. He has the memory of a goldfish about most things I’ve ever said to him, but anything I’ve spoken that offends him he remembers forever, and brings up again and again. Anyway, this is getting long, so I’ll just wrap up with recent events: I’m moving out. Between the OkCupid account, and his angry outburst in front of me and his children a few weeks ago, I told him I’d had enough, and he needed to change in order for me to stay. He said he’s been trying - he constantly is switching meds and mostly only makes an appointment to see his therapist after we’ve had an argument. So I started looking for an apartment. It’s very competitive in my area for rentals so it took a while but I found something a few blocks away, and I asked him today if he felt the same way about things, calmly. He immediately gets really angry and starts telling me that that I need to take responsibility for how things have been going and that he isn’t the only one with the problem. I’m sure I’m not completely faultless but the angry outbursts, the unfair treatment of his oldest child, the constant micro aggressions he sees everywhere, the sadness and apathy towards the rest of us. I could go on. Not to mention how he tries to make me out to be the bad guy - like he did with his ex wife and does with his mom. So yeah, I’m putting a deposit down on an apartment tomorrow. I was hoping we could work on things from a distance, but he pretty much says it I move out it’s over. And our fight was so bad today, I guess we are anyway. So yeah, that’s my first post. It’s been a rollercoaster! At least now I can concentrate on my son and my job, and try to provide him as stable as an environment as I can.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: New here, but we are already separating
« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2021, 04:06:46 AM »
Welcome! You have found a good place, full of information and support. You seem to be very self aware and sensible. From what you tell us, you are making the right choice. You need to protect yourself and your child first.  Check out the toolbox for some strategies when dealing with your partner. See you around on the boards!
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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socalgal

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Re: New here, but we are already separating
« Reply #2 on: July 19, 2021, 04:58:34 PM »
Thank you. No suprise, he's gotten worse since I officially told him I'm moving out. He has been walking around with a low level anger for days, something that I'm sure makes his more impressionable child feel unsafe. I also overheard him become enraged, and call his ex wife a "f***ing c**nt" on the phone last night. I feel like his disregulation is making it easier for me to feel like I've made the right decision, but I also feel like my move-in day can't come soon enough.