Divisions

[escapingman]

Since I started to get Out of the FOG I have noticed this divide and conquer behaviour from my covert uNPDw more and more. We are 4 people in the family, me (the normal), my wife (covert uNPDw) and then our 2 children (Scape Goat and Golden Child). The wife has more or less isolated us from friends and family over the years, so we are almost only interacting between us. If the 4 of us got on and where happy this would be fine by me, but it's not. uNPDw is incapable to have more than max 2 of us painted white at any time and there must always be one painted black. When I am painted white and are having some respite from her, I have noticed that 9 times out of 10 the Golden Child is the one painted black. She is really nasty and mean to GC and it always ends up with me having to to step in to protect GC, ending up me being the villain and receiving her abuse followed by her painting SG white and showering SG with her love bombing. This normally last for so long until uNPDw paints SG black again and restore GC to be the Golden Child again whilst keeping me painted black until I either appology or she decides she needs me and sub sequent paints me white. If I accept being painted white, then yes it all starts over again with her finding a reason to paint GC (or sometimes SG) black and so the cycle continue.

Anyone having the same kind of issues with PD's? Any suggestions how to break the cycle?

[1footouttadefog]

If you hBe not done so I would en our age you to read through the toolbox section of this website. The 100 traits also.

As to what you describe, it sounds like the SG and GC roles are not set as they seem to be changed depending on what your role is at the moment.

I would therefore consider using the tools in the toolbox against the behaviors regardless of who h child they are perpetrated against, and regardless of what your role is at that moment.

[escapingman]

I understand and practice MC and no Jade as good as I can. But what do you do when she turns on the children when I am not taking the bait? I can't stand and watch her taking them down,  but maybe I should? I am close to starting the ball for a divorce, but before then I need to try to keep things together.

[SonofThunder]

I recommend you look at Karpman's Drama Triangle for understanding of the cyclical behavior of your wife and most all PD's.  Im sure that you can place your family members on the triangle at any given moment.   

This triangle is a source of inner stability for the PD, as it keeps everyone else off balance while they rotate around the roles trying to figure out how to keep the PD calm or stay away from the drama.  Without a defined role at a given time and focus on themselves in that rotating role, the PD would have to face the reality that they have a self-image problem. 

All of us here with PD's in their lives, deal with this role switching so know you are in good company. 

SoT