Not my daughter :(

[Justme729]

I am heartbroken with my daughter and I don't know what to do.   
She is 15.   She's overall sweet as can be, but she has surgery at 7.   She's never been the same since.   Recently she accused me of not loving her.   Of not being enough.   Of not caring  about her.   My job, my other children are all more important than her.   She said she wanted to do movie nights as a family again.   We have been, she excuses herself.

I'm so upset because I often feel like nothing we do for her is good enough.  Her dad has said the same.   Her boyfriend said on text to her, "you know you aren't the only one whose going through stuff."   She never asks how he is, or anything like that.   Just that she can't talk to him when she wants too.   He went through something traumatic and it's an anniversary and closing a chapter of that event.  She has no sympathy.   She has no sympathy towards her siblings.   It feels like we just embarrass her and she stuck here with us til she's 18 because she can't go anywhere else. 

Idk what to do at this point.   I love this girl more than anything.   I know it was hard to adjust to being a big sister.   I know we've made some parenting decisions (Ie: moving) she isn't happy with and being a teenager we've ruined her life.   I am starting  to really worry about her.  I know she's pushed MANY friends away.   Her circle keeps getting smaller when it used to be huge.

She doesn't want to see a therapist, so idk what to do.  :/
It would make her happy if I quit my job and sat around waiting on her.   I realized she is also playing her dad and I against each other.   I can't place it. Advice!

[all4peace]

Justme729, this sounds really painful and difficult. At your daughter's age, it can be really difficult to sort out normal teen angst and self-centeredness versus something more concerning. If your daughter refuses therapy, are you as her parents willing to go? Shifting any part of your family system can start to make changes for everyone in the family. At the very least, you'd have some support. My only other advice would be to suggest reaching out to other parents of this age adolescent. I think the more we share as parents, the more we realize we're not alone and that often others are facing the same struggles.

I'm glad you've reached out here.

[bloomie]

Justme729 - I hope it is okay I moved this over to Parents' Discussion for more opportunity for input from others.

Something that could be a comfort is your daughter is very young and sounds like has just experienced some major shifts in her life in moving and this may be a time of frustration and adjustment for her that will settle.

It is hard not to buy into the feelings that nothing we do is right/or enough, when we are dealing with an angry teenager who is taking out their frustrations on the safest people in their lives... their parents and sibs.

Does your daughter have someone in her life - a auntie or adult close friend, youth leader, etc., that she would be able to spend some time with and possibly open up with more?

As hard as it can be sometimes, I am reminded how important it is not to project into the future these immature and self centered behaviors and ways of being in the world and view them as concrete personality traits with someone so young.

Consistent loving boundaries around courtesy and appreciation in your home might bring a bit of relief to your own heart as you redirect unacceptable behaviors and continue to parent her. If your efforts are not responded to, such as movie time, well... it seems like the rest of you are enjoying it.

Sometimes one person's unhappiness and simmering frustration can take over if we let it. Using the tools from the toolbox and finding good resources and support with other parents are ways to help you cope.

Thankful you reached out!

[Justme729]

Justme729 - I hope it is okay I moved this over to Parents' Discussion for more opportunity for input from others.

Something that could be a comfort is your daughter is very young and sounds like has just experienced some major shifts in her life in moving and this may be a time of frustration and adjustment for her that will settle.

It is hard not to buy into the feelings that nothing we do is right/or enough, when we are dealing with an angry teenager who is taking out their frustrations on the safest people in their lives... their parents and sibs.

Does your daughter have someone in her life - a auntie or adult close friend, youth leader, etc., that she would be able to spend some time with and possibly open up with more?

As hard as it can be sometimes, I am reminded how important it is not to project into the future these immature and self centered behaviors and ways of being in the world and view them as concrete personality traits with someone so young.

Consistent loving boundaries around courtesy and appreciation in your home might bring a bit of relief to your own heart as you redirect unacceptable behaviors and continue to parent her. If your efforts are not responded to, such as movie time, well... it seems like the rest of you are enjoying it.

Sometimes one person's unhappiness and simmering frustration can take over if we let it. Using the tools from the toolbox and finding good resources and support with other parents are ways to help you cope.

Thankful you reached out!

Thank you, I didn't realize there was a parent forum.   

I struggle with determining typical teenage behavior.   I'm so jaded I feel because the only perspective of teenage years I have is with my mom.   My friends parents were equally as messed up.   Not necessarily PD, but ya know.  It really scares me when she gets into these moods where she says the same exact things my PD mother says.   

[Jolie40]

are there any projects/activities that just the two of you can do together? Or something you can teach her?
cooking, sewing, knitting? take some art classes together?

I read recently that touring colleges earlier & not waiting is better, so can you two tour colleges now?

what about doing a mother-daughter journal?
she writes whatever she wants to you & then you write back
it's sometimes easier to share through writing

mother/daughter weekend away at a hotel or go to a spa together?
bike riding or hiking together?

write little notes
I get the tiny sticky pads & write "good morning" , "good day at school" "I love you" etc
and stick somewhere she'll see

hug! If you don't already
we hug our child every night before bedtime; the physical contact of a hug is calming

[Starboard Song]

It is such a struggle, isn't it?

A good therapist would help a willing patient so much, and yet you first have to get her in the door. Medical and surgical interventions -- a polio vaccine or heart surgery, for instance -- work just fine whether the patient is willing or not. And yes, you'd probably insist your daughter get such straightforward care. Therapy is an interactive service that requires an open trust and mutual honesty, both from the therapist and the patient. In this way, therapy is not like a vaccine or surgery, and a hostile and uncooperative patient may not be served very well. For these reasons, I would discourage anyone from forcing a child to see a therapist for anything other than imminent suicide risk or acute substance abuse.

If she is unwilling to see a therapist, I'd encourage you to propose to her that this is true: that she deserves some experienced and trusted adult to share with, talk to, process with, and maybe learn from. Maybe there is a trusted aunt, or friend of the family, or school teacher. I'd offer to buy the lunch or dinner or coffee or whatever, for her and a trusted adult to meet and talk about how she is feeling.

This can be a good first step towards a therapist. And it is no trick: your daughter deserves an audience for her grief. And you may just not be able to serve in that role right now. That's ok.

Be good. Be strong.

[all4peace]

Justme79,

I wanted to pop in again and check in on you. I also realize I didn't acknowledge how much amazingness is already happening between you and your daughter. Although I'm guessing most of us don't like being told we're not measuring up, to me it shows a lot of trust and safety for your daughter to be able to identify her feelings, name them, and share them with you. That's really pretty incredible. At 15, she is going through a lot. It's a really, really tough time of life. I wonder what would happen with movie nights if you really stuck with it, told her how much you'd love for her to join, and let her know you intend to keep trying to find time for the two of you? Could she help pick out the movie? Is she possibly testing how hard you're willing to try?

I know that it's extra hard when we ourselves didn't get good-enough mothering and don't really know what "normal" should look like. I'm not an expert, but to me it sounds like there are a lot of great things going on already. Hang in there and let us know how it goes.

[Justme729]

All4peace- I actually talked to her doctor today at her physical.   He said it sounds like normal teenage stuff. We had a family meeting and cleared the air.  We let her voice her frustrations to her sister.  It was a good conversation.   

It really is hard having no or limited models of parenting.  I worry that I/we aren't doing enough to change the cycle of dysfunction for our kids.   I love the Journal idea, but she's not into that.   We do spend a good bit of quality time together.   It can be hard  to juggle with 3 kids and working full time. 

[all4peace]

The doctor visit and family meeting sound great! My best to you.

[Justme729]

The doctor visit and family meeting sound great! My best to you.

The doctor said nothing  sounded alarming about her behavior.  He said it sounds very typical based on the transitions we've had, covid, and the age gap we have in kids.