Not quite no-contact

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PAY

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Not quite no-contact
« on: July 17, 2021, 12:05:59 PM »
My divorce was final about a month ago.  I moved out in March (and we had filed in Dec).  No kids.  We each took a cat.  I still have stuff at the house (he got the house) and I have 60 days to get it out.  I also was the one to transfer assets and pay spousal support ~ so I focused on that since there were deadlines.  We still need to disentangle memberships and streaming services and cell phones and again, most of it falls on me because they are in my name.

I would say I'm "low contact".  While I have no interest in getting back together, I still harbor the fantasy of being friends or at least being amicable.  He is still hoovering, coming up with ideas to get me to come back.

As I continue to learn about NPD, my interpretation is that he is on the low end of the spectrum.  Raging/addicted to anger/arguments, blaming/not taking responsibility for his own actions.  He doesn't contact me a lot.  And when there's been some time between contact, I end up answering the phone or responding to the text.  I've been asked why I do this.  Why do I engage?  I haven't really been able to answer this for myself-except as I stated above ~ the perhaps unrealistic fantasy that we could be friends on the other side of this.  That somehow he might go back to that old person that I was able to have normal conversations with - not in any kind of romantic way.  (And as I write that, I realize that's probably never going to be possible for a number of reasons).

Creating conflict, setting boundaries is so hard!  (I'm tired of being the adult sometimes!!).  I want to be able to answer the phone, have a brief conversation without him launching into his latest idea for me to move back "home" and be together.

After the last agreement to meet with him, I did later text and say if the was to discuss me moving back, I was not going to meet.  He said it was not.  So, if he launches into that topic, he's crossed a boundary and I know I need to then leave.

And to be honest, I like the convenience of being able to cat sit for each other.  I recently took "his" cat while he was gone for 2 weeks and I dearly love her and loved having her here.  I am traveling at the end  of the month for a few days and he has agreed to take "my" cat.  Do I need to not do this?

Any thoughts on this are appreciated.  Is it absolutely necessary to go no-contact?

Thanks.

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SonofThunder

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Re: Not quite no-contact
« Reply #1 on: July 17, 2021, 12:29:27 PM »
Hi PAY,

If I ever experience a divorce, it would be my own personal objective to continue to Ďloveí my ex and myself at the same time.  My definition of love is desiring and facilitating what is Ďbestí for a person.  I believe Ďbestí is personally determined by a foundational cornerstone of principles outside of ourselves; for example for me itís Biblical teaching.

So, if I could help facilitate what is best for my ex, then I would do that as long as it was to my pleasure to do so.  If I experienced attempts at further PD manipulation and control, in a divorced condition, then I will love myself more (51% rule) and stop doing that particular love-thing toward my ex.  If going no contact was Ďbestí for me, then no-contact is in order. 

When my spouseís father was living and elderly (he was a selfish user of people) I had a boundary for myself that I would only Ďloveí him in certain ways, in which he was incapable only because of his age or lack of knowledge.  But in areas of his capability or incapability because he was a lazy user-type, or incapable because he was hungover or financially stingy, I would not participate. 

So in your case, if my ex was traveling for business or other mandatory thing, and incapable of feeding a cat, I would provide love to my ex and watch the cat.  If I was not a fan of cats, the 51% rule would require me to say no.  If I found out my ex had actually been traveling with a potential companion and lying to me, then I would not participate in those ways any longer. 

If my ex took my willingness to assist as desiring to reconnect, my assistance would immediately end.  That may be a pipe dream, but itís what my heart would desire for myself, even if my ex did not return the favor, as I do those charitable things for myself and because of my faith. 

SoT
« Last Edit: July 17, 2021, 12:32:21 PM by SonofThunder »
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Not quite no-contact
« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2021, 04:44:10 PM »
PAY,  of course you don't have to go no contact if you don't want to.  You should have the contact you are comfortable with.  If you are happy to meet occasionally and mutually cat sit, that is perfectly fine if you are comfortable with it. Ultimately you should make sure that you behave in a way that makes you feel good.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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PAY

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Re: Not quite no-contact
« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2021, 08:02:30 PM »
Thank you both. Your responses are helpful and help me get rid of any guilt over not going no contact yet.
Iím not sure that Iím yet clear about how contact (like answering the phone when itís him on the other end) affects me emotionally. Iím going to keep paying attention to that.
And SoT, your approach and perspective is helpful. Thanks.

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stcroix1979

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Re: Not quite no-contact
« Reply #4 on: July 24, 2021, 11:53:51 AM »
Thank you for posting and sharing where you're at. I am not succeeding at NC and it is not a good thing. I like what SonofThunder has to say on the matter, i.e., love is doing what's best for a person. Me being in his life is not best for him. And vice versa. But it is damn sure not easy.