Husband with NPD traits, his friends, how much is too much compromise?

[strugglingforalongtime]

Complicated....but seeking feedback, apologize if a bit hard to follow.

Husband's "friend X" invites both H and I to spend night in friend X's vacation house bc another, out of town mutual friend ("friend Y"), will be visiting/staying with friend X and his wife (wives included) and too long to drive home if H and I just joined them for dinner. 

Friend X generally nice, but Friend X's wife regularly oversteps boundaries (asks rude personal questions in front of others, very judgmental, bull in a china shop).  I do not know friend Y nor his wife. I would find it pretty uncomfortable to stay overnight bc of friend X's wife.  Plus a little bit of a third wheel couple feel -- friend X and friend Y are close friends, H not a close friend of friend Y.

As an alternative/compromise, I searched and found a place to stay nearby so we could go to dinner and could see them for breakfast the next day etc. but not have to spend the night, I suggested this to H and explained to H my discomfort, adding I could use my insomnia as a reason to stay in a hotel . H's response was that the invitation was to spend the night so if I didn't want to spend the night I didn't need to go (H "anticipated I may not want to go" bc of friend X's wife).

We have been struggling in our relationship for awhile especially since he retired.  We have been in theory trying to find ways to do things together, socialize, etc.  I often see him as a single guy with a family, that he puts his needs first and when I raise my needs, he rationalizes one way or the other/stonewalls, with the end result from my perspective being that he gets what he wants, and I get what I want if and when it aligns with what he wants.  His sole rationale for rejecting my idea was that the invitation was to spend the night and we had to accept it as offered (I doubt friend X and wife would be offended, in fact one less couple in the house might be easier). The cost of one night at a hotel is not an issue.

I'm frustrated bc there is a long standing pattern/issues like this.  I could go and make the best of it (hard), stay in the hotel myself (safer but awkward) or stay home (safe).  Is there some way (CBT filter) I can look at this differently, am I missing something?

Thanks in advance.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome to this informative and supportive forum!
What do you want to do?  Deep down inside? Do you want to spend time with these people?  If not,  what would you rather do? If yes,  how can you use this time to practise your boundary setting with the wife of X?

[strugglingforalongtime]

Thanks so much for providing input.  Really good questions.  Only real value in my going is to please H, help promote some sort of shared experience, work on marriage, etc. H will resent my not going and I will feel it in passive aggressive ways later.  On the face of it perfectly reasonable he wants to and does go. 
There is so much history I can't convey here (my T has encouraged leaving him, saying his behavior is abusive and he shows many NPD traits) and tbh so little I want to do with him now. So this example is parsing through the weeds when really I need to stand back and think about bigger picture. Many years were good, but has been tough since H retired. Have been staying bc of our kids (at least wait until last one is in college next year), keeping family in tact, H strongly opposed to divorce and it would be a messy one bc of his personality. I don't have a great support network generally but have one amazing best friend, which is why I've turned to this forum. I was a pretty independent person, have felt worn down over the years. Was looking for inspiration for committed to working on it.  Maybe I need to switch forums...  how did you know when it was not worth working on it, you needed to move on?

[tragedy or hope]

dear struggling,
you are telling my story. retired spouse. has been abusive in long life together. children are grown but grandchildren etc...
IMO:
T's have told me to  leave, but are not in my shoes, do not live the day to day. Unpdh has friends I can't bring myself to want to be with... even family I do not care for. I have been recently awakened to N and PD behaviors. I am not willing to flush years of also good times away because now I think I somehow am above his bad behaviors. Now that I Know what it is, I have found ways to live a productive life and this forum, books, websites and 12 step groups have helped immensely. So has my faith.

Strangers, AKA, therapists etc. do not live in your home nor have they participated in all of your life. Sometimes what they suggest is not on your radar. I too have a lifelong best friend who knows about this stuff and it helps to have her support.

Most important, even with a therapist I found I needed to be cautious because I found they were trying to dissuade me from my core values. Convincing me that life would be better if i were to fly on my own. We may not be in a position to take even their advice as living with a unpdh or pd affects our thoughts and life patterns.

I think getting better in spite of the pd, in the relationship and THEN making a decision will assure it is your decision alone and not that of others. It could be disasterous to make a decision based on someone else's perspective.

I am here working on it. Good days and bad. The person I am with is also loveable at times and I will not throw a person away or relationship because someone else labels things in my life or me.

This forum has helped me immensely just by having a place to dump some of my thoughts and read that others too are dealing with something hideously evasive to most people.

sharing thoughts here and reading other posts has given me courage and ways to deal with things I had never known.  You have time. It is your time and your life.

So, dont want to go? Coucld you take a trip you would enjoy on your own? Can you wish him well and ask he give your best wishes and go visit friend family or whatever?

If you cannot... you may need to prepare new answers to invasive questions. Simply IMm surprised you would ask that...what are your thoughts? People like to set us up to look bad. Put everything back on her.

Answer a question with a question...
what led you to ask me that? Repeat the question back then don't answer. Or, say I will need to think on that to give you an answer.

Or, I'm not sure I understand where you are going with your question. Or, ask her to repeat it.... then  behave as if you don't understand and ask her to reword it.
Her intent will be revealed.Don't agree to get back to her on anything. She is enjoying the fact she can manipulate you into giving her info that is none of her business. Even saying that seems a little too personal with a smile then changing the subject might help.

You can also just say... "interesting question... and kind of mull it over, and say I am not sure how to answer that.
Whatever it takes to get your power back in a cordial way ro it.

He is your spouse. He is a person. If you make too much of a deal about it, he will push harder. come to the forum and let it out here and with your friend. He is not capable of consoling your wounds with this woman.

You can have a decent time knowing you are on top of all of it and know what is going on. and lastly, you can do for f24-48 hours what you could not do for a lifetime.

What are YOU willing to do?

So many similarities, you may email me if you wish. go to my messages at top of page of forum to send msgs.

[strugglingforalongtime]

Thank you Tragedy or Hope,
Your comments are very helpful.  I'm new here and already learning so much.  Lots of tools to try.
Before H retired we lived happily parallel lives -- it worked.  We have amazing kids.  When H retired and we were together 24/7, I discovered that he is more covertly critical, controlling and manipulative than I had ever thought, plus he was doing things suggestive of looking for things outside our relationship (surfing craigslist and other sites, communicating with women who were former girlfriends or with whom he had had a flirtatious relationship without telling me -- mostly I hope for his ego wounded a bit from retiring/getting older (though he has vehemently denied having an affair)). His first reaction is to lie (even about meaningless things), almost as a sport. So trust became, and still is, a huge issue (if he lies about little things, why not lie about big things). The broken trust has really shaken me. The tension is palpable at times, and hard on the kids even though they are young adults and have full/active/happy lives.  H is the consummate actor, argues/triggers me, then walks out of the room with a smile as if he has not a care in the world.  Makes me come across as the emotional/unhappy one. 
I'm trying to use new tools ... respond, not react, mild chill.  But it's hard, especially due to retirement and now COVID and so much time together.   
I'm happy to have found this site, and hopefully I can learn new tools, learn how to manage ... My T was helpful -- a safe place to unload my misery -- but realize T not as effective/helpful as I had hoped/needed. Finding more help here and online.
So thank you. I may take you up on your offer to PM. 

[Mary]

Welcome to the forum!

I suggest thinking about if you are ready and strong enough to set this boundary. Choose your battles wisely. In my experience, a well set boundary will be worth the fallout later. But if you are not ready to face the drama of sticking with your new boundary, you might wish to just go along this time and draw a line in the sand in the future. I am currently doing that with an issue (waiting a bit) while I think and pray over what the boundary should be exactly as well as when to set it. I concur with Tragedy or Hope on carrying it out.

Peace,
Mary