We are always disrespectful, they are never wrong.

[Inprocess]

So my son (who my NM is obsessed with, longer story..) went to an outdoor concert with his friends and my parents were there as well. He did see them and said he just kind of motioned "hey" with a slight wave but then the weirdness started. My NM was glaring at him and motioning for him to come to her in what he described was a "very creepy way". Then eventually my F (her flying monkey) got up and started yelling to him over a crowd of people calling out his name and to come say hi. After my son left my NM texted me that he didn't even look at them and wouldnt even say hi to "his own grandparents" and I brushed it off because he's almost 13 hanging out with his friends (including girls which he may have liked) and my response was that he must have just been having fun with his friends. However, then my F got involved angrily disagreeing via text that it was extremely disrespectful that he didn't go to them and saying I need to have a talk with him because of how terrible it was what he "did to them" My NM constantly tells everyone my F is weird and that he is a covertN, which can't be true because he actually will and has apologized if he does something we feel isn't ok or healthy for our son.
The story from my son included that after not going over to them (he was told by the adult he was with for the kids to all stay together) my F started "blowing kisses at him" in yet again "a very creepy way" and it embarrassed him. So my response to my F was that he was a bit embarrassed and just wanted to hang out with his friends. I have gotten no response/silent treatment. We live close as well and really only see them for birthdays and holidays (they never call to talk to the grandkids or to come by), my NM only seems to want to be alone with my son. We also have his birthday coming up next week and already have plans for dinner with them. I think they might try to confront my son directly. The continued narcissism and toxicity from my parents weighs heavily on me and I often get so angry and fearful at the same time (possibly CPTSD). My NM believes (delusion) that her and my son have a "special bond" and often tells him he can tell her secrets, says things about me to him after I've told her not to and she is never wrong and should be revered and respected always. She also uses religion to let people know you always honor your parents and that if you don't you can die young (spiritual abuse/manipulation). The whole family walks on eggshells with her and I'm just so angry and fed up because MY family is happy and heathy and functional (not at all like what I grew up with). I really struggle with the fear/anger response and that I can't control it and always fear the eventual outpouring of our truth to them and potential no contact (how the whole family will react, etc). The fear weighs on me so much (for days sometimes) that I don't even want to post this in fear that my M will find it, secretly find out we know and continue to be abusing and hurtful as revenge. I really need some ideas on how to deal with the fight or flight because I eventually need to put my foot down and potentially cut contact without losing my cool.

[notrightinthehead]

In preparation of the family dinner,  read and re-read medium chill and non JADE from the TOOLBOX. Then practise for different situations in your mind. Use examples that have happened in the past and imagine yourself using MC. When you are alone, role play out loud,  using a chair or a coat for your mother and give medium chill responses to provocations.  Put yourself into serene state of mind,  emotionally distancing yourself from the situation, as if you were watching a soap opera,  only mildly interested in what happens next.
Sounds like your son handled the weird behaviour of his grandparents pretty well.  He got your support too. Seems like both of you are in agreement that the behaviour at the concert and the fall out afterwards only reaveals once more how odd your parents are.  You have got this!

[TwentyTwenty]

Sorry that you are going through this.

My parents are very similar.

I left, cutting off all contact, it's been 4 years of improvement and healing.

Telling anyone that you will die for disrespecting or disobeying them is 100% terrorism in order to attempt control. Nothing else.

When I disagreed with my nmom, she screamed at me that God was going to strike me down.

They are terrorists, and as long as you keep allowing them to keep you caged, you will be terrorized.

My parents next admitted goal, is to make sure that once my child is 18 to make sure she knows what an evil person that I am.

My opinion: Be careful how much access you allow narcissists to have with your children.

[Inprocess]

Thanks for the suggestions! I truly appreciate it. I actually forgot about the toolbox so I will revisit that. The other issue I have is that the upset feelings, anxiety, circular thoughts, conversations in my head, etc. lasts days. Days over something so stupid. It's like I know that what they are doing is wrong (because I would never behave that way) and yet here I am not able to let go of the constant thoughts about it. I wish I had a button I could press to make it stop. I think it may be cptsd. No idea. Anyone else obsess over these situations and have suggestions to cope?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes it sure does sound like C-PTSD! When that happens to me it means I'm in an emotional flashback, meaning I'm "stuck" in the trauma. Have you read, "From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker? There's a whole chapter on the management of emotional flashbacks which I find extremely helpful.

[Jolie40]

they got 2 feet right?
if or when they bring it up, ask why they didn't walk over to say "hi", good grief!

reminds me of 1st grade when PD parent brought in cupcakes
after school, got in trouble for not getting out of my seat (not allowed to) to go to front of room to see them

why didn't PD parent walk over to my desk to say "hi" ,  good grief

everything is always ALL about them & the attention they want

[Fiasco]

As the mother of a happy, emotionally healthy, 13  year old son, and as the daughter of a creepy BPDm who is obsessed with the 13 year old (I know, we are twins apparently) my best advice is to talk ahead of time with your son. Does he want this birthday dinner at all? If not, maybe he's coming down with something (wink wink). Probably something gross like a fever and vomiting that you get over in 24 hours but you have to stay home during.

If he wants to go or says "whatever" then talk with him about what he'd like you to do or say if the grandparents start in on his "rude" behavior. Would he like you to tell them to drop it? Would he like you all to get up and leave if they won't stop harassing him on his birthday?

I don't mean to give the impression I let my teenager make my decisions for me or handle my problems, but I really do think he's old enough to know what would suit him. I trust him to tell me what makes him uncomfortable, and he trusts me to jump in (when invited) and have his back.

[Inprocess]

Thanks for that book suggestion I will look into that. As well as the suggestion to speak to my son about it ahead of time. That cupcake story is terrible and resonates for sure. I'm very thankful that my son is well aware that grandma is "a bit different". He has two households so he has 4 grandmothers and my M is the only one who acts this way. She has made him very uncomfortable over the years with the way she acts with him. I always imagine that just outright telling them all the hurtful things they have done will open their eyes. However, I'm educated just enough on the subject to know that there is a good chance this may never ever end or change. Thanks again to all of you for helping me cope with this nightmare.