I can't take anymore

[Lilyloo]

 Hi everyone! I haven't been here in awhile.  I posted many times about my mother.  It only gets worse. I am 68. I am tired. I help my daughter with her 4 children. She is a single mom. I drive the two teenagers and sometimes babysit the younger ones. Her husband cheated and left.  My mother is truly driving me crazy. She is a self absorbed woman, who shows favoritism and always has. My brother who I could talk to passed away. Boy did I need him lately. Miss him so bad it hurts. He understood. She treated him like crap when he was dying of cancer, making herself to be in pain, even took a wheelchair herself in it to his hospital room. We knew she was acting.

Now after we got her settled into a small home,(she up and sold her other house, thats all in an old post of mine and was homeless) just right size for her, and my youngest brother and I thought things may settle, shes playing the sick act again. She runs to one doctor for blood work. This has gone on for years, insisting she has some disease. Now shes back at head neck and brain doctors, getting more neck injections. She has eye injections every few weeks, now more neck injections.  Shes had so many injections that I lost track. I drove her for 40 years to surgeries, tests, doctor appointments. All kinds, you name it shes been to every doctor for any ailment.. I am sick sick of it.

Recently there was a family issue, a blowup type of thing with her grandson. To long to go into, but right after that the illness went back in full swing. I got one message saying she was so so sick. High fever, pain, stomach. I said ok we will call the rescue squad, it could be covid. She refused the covid vaccine, so it could have been.  "Oh no no she goes don't call the squad.  I'm not even sure I have a fever, this house is just hot". Then suddenly shes feeling much better

I won't be played like this again! Sick of the stress, the feeling ill myself because she is driving me crazy. She complained today to my husband that she doesn't have a driver for her injection. It won't be me. I'm done with her behavior when I do take her. Sick of her manipulation, games, and hypochondria.  Shes very mentally ill. I suffered my whole life by her behavior. I want my last years free of this stress.

I still get the guilt but everyone tells me to stop it.  I cry and feel like that little girl who never got anything from my mother. I practically raised my 3 brothers while she ran around after dad died. He was only 44. She had men in our home. I say she drove my dad crazy. I often feel like he lives in me and now I know exactly what he went through.  My middle brother the alcoholic is her favorite. Hes all she talks about.  Poor him, over and over.....

How do we toss the guilt. I honestly feel nothing for her. She uses me, and I mean not 2 cents to her.   I will say I said no to driving and stuck to it. Sorry this is long. I'm just a mess today. Thank you all for reading. I just need to talk. 

[Poison Ivy]

I think the feelings of guilt will go away eventually. IMO, you don't owe your mom anything. Take care of yourself and the rest of your family.

[Lilyloo]

Thank you Poison Ivy  I need people to talk to. I appreciate your help

[SunnyMeadow]

LindaLoo, this is awful and you're right to not want your life filled with her drama and ridiculous medical issues.

I think in your case after you say "let's get you a rescue squad" and she refuses because she's suddenly feeling better, block her number. I guess you could say "oh good, you're feeling better, I have to go now". Get off the phone and put her behind you. She can call others to play into her pity party. And however she is complaining to your husband, I'd block that too. That is if he doesn't want to listen to her.

I've been becoming emotionally detached from my mother by thinking of her as a mean old viper who lives across town.  She doesn't feel like a mother and I see her as a sour old lady. She stopped being a mother I looked to for comfort and companionship. I though she had my back and was my biggest champion until she told me something she would spread about me that I told her in confidence. She also told me that my brother was her favorite after a lifetime of me thinking we were best friends, more than mother/daughter.  She plays a good game.

You could try WomenInterrupted's advice for dealing with your mother.

Gotta go, the dog's on fire
Stick to medium chill
Talk about safe things only - the weather, a tv show, a celebrity, their hobbies
When (IF) she asks about you, everything is fine, good, great
Keep her at arm's length and out of your life

(I did a search for WI's advice and enjoyed reading her words again  )

You wrote "I honestly feel nothing for her", work with that and keep that first and foremost in your mind. After reading about your childhood raising your 3 brothers, I can 100% understand why you feel nothing for her. She wasn't there for you and still isn't. It's ok and smart to detach from her.

Ugh, this stuff is hard to deal with. A lot of the time I'm very strong in dealing with my mother, other times I crumble into anxiety. I get it.

I'm sorry LindaLoo.

[Lilyloo]

SunnyMeadow, Thank you for always being so kind. Your replies make me feel validated always. I am so sorry your mother did that to you. She betrayed you.  You said  you stopped looking to her for comfort and companionship. How sad that we cannot have that. I truly can say my mother never gave it to me.  That is so mean to tell you your brother is her favorite.  I mean how the heck does a mother say that. It's  Just so mean!!  I feel for all of us daughters who have mothers like this 

I don't talk to her on the phone. She messages me.  As for my husband, she has the nerve to stop at his place of business! I even told her not to.  He's such a nice person and she takes advantage. He cant stand listening to her. Thankfully hes always busy and doesn't stop to listen . She follows him around, lol!  It's a produce stand and he is always on the move. Just some nerve tho after I told her stop it.

Honestly Ive tried it all. I try talking about the weather, or anything but her woes, and I never feed her any pity remarks. It just never stops.  I don't think she even reads my stuff. The next message will be the same. long and all about her or golden child brother. She never talks about me.  Never once in my life. The times I was struggling and sad and needed a mother, losing my first child, all those moments in my 20's and 30's and 40's and 50's now pushing 70,  nothing, absolutely nothing. All of us here know of what I speak. I was 53 when it finally hit me that my mother was not ever a mother. That's when I read everything I could and realized the truth.

I want her to leave me alone.  I helped her get into the new home. The first thing she did was take me to a closet and say" there's the dress I want to be buried in"  When we sat down, after working unpacking boxes,  the topic was golden child brother. Hes had 3 strokes. He is an alcoholic.  Then it was about her,  Not even a sit down and just chit chat. I hope hope hope for something, that never happens.

Do any of you feel ill and physically as well as emotionally drained after these times with mom?  I'm not just angry but feel sick. This is maybe God saying, time to stop. I struggle with honor thy mother, but know God doesnt want me his child sad, beaten down and ill.

Thank you, Thank you from the bottom of my heart   
You have helped me today. I

[Lilyloo]

Do most of you feel like a big hole in your heart.  I find myself seeing so many as BPD 's I know this is wrong

Blessed Day To Everyone

[blacksheep7]

   This is what you need.

I really think it is time for you to lower your contact, big time.    Your post says it clearly. Set up your phone for your messages to do so.

It's not that you have not tried, you've done enough for her........same result in the end.   She will never change so you have to

Yes, you will feel guilt but it passes and the end result is all worth it.  Peace of mind.

Good luck.

[SunnyMeadow]

SunnyMeadow, Thank you for always being so kind. Your replies make me feel validated always.

You're welcome LindaLoo! ♥   I see a lot of myself in your posts.

Do any of you feel ill and physically as well as emotionally drained after these times with mom?  I'm not just angry but feel sick.

Yes I do. My uNPDmom is the only person I dread talking to. No one else in my life causes these feelings. Lately, I've been angry when I'm done visiting her. Like, really angry in my guts. If you ever see a woman in a car talking to herself and you can make out a bunch of swear words, that's me! lol  I have had palpitations too, so a true physical reaction.

But I do so much better now that I've reduced contact with her. Another thing that has been helpful for me is the observe don't absorb technique when I'm with her. I pretend I'm holding a doctor's clipboard and observe her nonsense but don't let it bother me. I am seeing her drama and chaos as a symptom of NPD. I acknowledge she's always done it and will never stop, then I go home and enjoy the happy and normal people in my life.

I would feel more inclined to Honor thy Mother if my mother was a good and kind mother. My mother isn't and has never been. I mean, I'm still alive and made it through childhood but I could have been so much better off with good parents.

I'm happy you don't talk to her on the phone, that's never fun. I find emails and texts are easier than a phone call. I can quickly read about her poor, poor life, send a quick reply and delete all of it. Easy and done. In your case, when she's bombarding you with texts, block her. You own that phone and have the right to make it work best for you! 

I want my mother to leave me alone too. When I get her messages I outwardly groan and can't wait to delete so I don't see her name in my phone. What's worse is I programmed her photo in the contacts area so that pops up as well as her name  . So I'm with you LL! I'm guessing our mothers are close to the same age, pretty darn old and keep on ticking. BUT one of these days they will really and truly LEAVE US ALONE! 

[Tribe16]

LindaLoo, you said "Do any of you feel ill and physically as well as emotionally drained after these times with mom?  I'm not just angry but feel sick. This is maybe God saying, time to stop. I struggle with honor thy mother, but know God doesnt want me his child sad, beaten down and ill."

I'm so sorry you are going through this. YES! it makes us feel physically ill, I totally get it. You know deep down inside you can't keep this up.

There is a pastor on YouTube named Kris Reece who has a lot of good stuff about how to honor our mothers in a biblical way and not suffer their toxicity. Have you watched her? I am struggling with the "Honor your Mother" stuff now too. She has lots of videos specific to toxic mothers. If you haven't already watched, I hope you'll check them out. Dr. Ramani is really good too on YouTube.

What if you gave yourself permission to "take a two week vacation"? A vacation from responding to mom's calls and texts. Can you get your husband on board? Your kids? Like literally go completely off the radar for 2 weeks. What is the worst that could happen? (and would it really be terrible if it did?) And after 2 weeks, reevaluate if it helped or not? I think you need to shake things up in some way to get yourself relief. I hope you find some peace. Take care of YOU LindaLoo.

[Lilyloo]

 I have no sisters just 3 brothers, one gone now but still with me. I feel like I have sisters in all of you. I'm going to make this a good day. To each of you, a very happy day!  Thank you for your wisdom. 

I wish a SunnyMeadow, mother is almost 85. She had me young, age 17.   She's never treated me like a daughter with needs. I had a parent role. I guess this is why I'm a mess.  What age is your mother?   I feel like our mothers are very much alike.  I'm going to look into the observe don't absorb method.  The honor thing, well, I often tell myself I honor her by not confronting her with all I feel inside. Like your mother mine is mean also. She doesn't care what she says to anyone. I care so I've kept that inside, all that pain I'd like to tell her she caused. I don't tell her so I kinda think that's honoring?? I relate to your posts in every way! Thank You!

Tribe! Thank you for those names. I am going to YouTube soon to look them both up right now. I am on a 2 week break from her. I told her I'd be away, and only message my brother if any emergency.  She ran to my husband at his Market. LOL..Same old tactics!  I do know deep inside, I can't keep it up. My mind and body tells me so. Sad isn't it that these type mothers have such power. I know it's only if we let them. That's been my downfall.

blacksheep7, Thank you for saying I've done enough.  It is so true. You saying it validates it. I search for validation all the time. I'm very LC all the time. I see her maybe 4 times a year. If I'm kind to her just one time, she then starts hounding me to drive her, help with yard sales, etc. I have said no to all of it.  Then that old guilt creeps in. I'm going to work very hard on that

[SunnyMeadow]

What age is your mother?   I feel like our mothers are very much alike.

I knew they were close in age! Mine is 87 and it feels like it will never end.   

[Lilyloo]

SunnyMeadow,  It sure does feel like it's not going to end.  As sick as mine claims to be I never thought she'd live so long.

Today I got the usual doctors report from her in a message about her and golden child brother. This after I told her I was off messaging for 2 weeks. It happens all the time . No boundaries, no respect from her at all. I'm sure you know exactly how that is. arrrrrggggg

Because of advice all of you gave me, I did not get that sickening feeling. Hurray!  I simply said "thanks for the updates. I'm busy today with the yard work". Like you I have days I can cope other days I wither into a total mess.

Do any of you find that trying to understand such self absorbed behavior can actually be the most draining part.

Thank You Have a Blessed Day

[moglow]

Lord have mercy, sound like you DO need a break here! There's a book recommended, The Body Keeps the Score [author escapes me] but truer words were never spoke. Many times I got physically ill after just talking/trying with mine, and some of those episodes took far longer for my recovery than mother's did.

Ya do know you don't have to ask "how high" every time she demands you jump, right? I know it's what we're taught and reinforced all the time but seriously. If she's having medical emergency and needs help, she needs to call 911 or whatever local emergency service. Calling you to report in just sounds like an attention getting ploy, which we have trouble ignoring because What If. Well - what if there IS an emergency? Are you equipped to handle it? Could you get to her in time to help? Could you do anything once you got there?

I don't want to be heartless but at some point we do have to be realistic. I'm [thankfully] almost two hours from mine and if she was doing that [she's tried in the past, bless her heart] there's simply not a whole hell of a lot I can do to help. I'm not there - and frankly I'm not there for good reason. I - the person, her daughter - am not wanted, and I know it. She wants a punching bag, someone to blame, some sick poison sponge to dump on. No. Just ... no.

Today I got the usual doctors report from her in a message about her and golden child brother. This after I told her I was off messaging for 2 weeks. It happens all the time . No boundaries, no respect from her at all. I'm sure you know exactly how that is.

In a word: Boundaries. Don't expect her to step up and take care of this for you, that's not her stuff. I don't know about you but mine wasn't reliable for anything good or positive for me as far back as I can remember. *I* had to do it, as do you. Your boundaries, yours to enforce whether with her or anyone else. If you're off messaging [with her], do that. Don't respond and see if you can find the wherewithal to not even read them in the first place. Take a big step back and if that helps, consider a bigger step back. See how it feels and lean into it further when it's good.

Do this for yourself, LL, because you need it. Please don't sit there and imagine she's going to do it for you.

[1footouttadefog]

You are not responsible for her feelings and are under no obligation to play a role in her medical games.

She has professionals available to deal with that.  She has 911 if there is a true emergency.  She had food water and shelter.

If you find she lacks in the basics you might indeed help as you might a stranger due to a charitable heart.  This other emotional needy stuff is hers to own and deal with.

I would be tempted to derail any forther conversations with questions about the basics then end conversation after that.  How is everything on Maple Street? How was dinner last night.

All basics covered end call.

[Lilyloo]

Thank you moglow!  I've stopped jumping, LOL!  I haven't taken her to an appointment for a year and a half.  My brother was taking her, then he had his 3rd stroke. Shes getting a friend now.  You are so right, we are nothing but punching bags. I have never received a message that wasn't about her or golden brother.  It's all attention seeking.   Your advice is something I'm going to do.

1footouttadthefog, Thank You! I'm going to do just that, ask about things in her town, etc. I will use this advice. She never talks about anything but illness, but I'm not playing that game anymore. She lies often, says all the doctors love her  and would do anything for her, LOL

[raspberryoxygen]

YES, to getting physically ill in the presence of my PD mother. The worst for me is getting hives. I call it "mom itch."  Yes, you have to have time to recover, too. Crying over the suffering such behavior caused me as a child helps me recover, when I can get my head straight enough to do it. Else, just time.

[Lilyloo]

raspberryoxygen, I'm so sorry your mom causes you those feelings too. Isn't it awful that a mother can cause hives, it's just awful they can do this   It takes me weeks to get past it.   I send you hugs. Thank you for your reply.  We deserve better.  I realized today I owe nobody anything.  I'm trying to get the stress out the door.  I crave happiness.