Really afraid to settle in one place

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JollyJazz

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Really afraid to settle in one place
« on: July 17, 2021, 10:51:44 PM »
Hi All,

I'm struggling with feeling enough of a sense of security to settle in one place.

My mother has a long history of barging into my bedroom since I was a child.

It's quite terrifying and very violating. I just never knew when she would barge in. I remember once I was in bed, crying, begging her to leave me alone and she just sat there staring.

I remember a breakthrough happened when I just walked out. I went to the library. Removing myself from the room broke the spell.

The barging into my personal space has persisted into adulthood, where she has hunted down addresses. It's gone on for years and years. Sometimes she has barged in with unwanted furniture, sometimes shouting about random things. Nothing I say or do has any impact. Looking back she'd ask for contact details of my friends so she could maintain her web of control.

I've asked her so many times to stop.

Even now she fishes for details about my friends (who she can use to get details from), etc. She still demands to know where I am, gets my flying monkey brothers to pester me to do this. It's this awful web of control.

It's so absolutely insane. I'm so tired of it.

I want to settle down. I want to get a house.

I just feel this riding sense of panic about it. I'm scared to be in one place and it's so messed up.

She most recently found my address in September and barged into my bedroom and grabbed me. All the time acting like she's 'nice', 'kind', just wants to help me. Then later admits by text that she did it as revenge for some perceived offence.

I feel like my sense of security has been so so shattered. I want to settle but I feel like the only way to keep myself safe is to never be in one place for long.

Otherwise I'll feel like a sitting duck.

Anyway, I'm taking practical steps to find a place just for me. I'm just going through a lot of emotional hurdles  :'(
« Last Edit: July 17, 2021, 10:59:42 PM by JollyJazz »

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Andeza

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Re: Really afraid to settle in one place
« Reply #1 on: July 17, 2021, 11:21:29 PM »
Oh Jollyjazz, you've got options. You don't have to settle in one place if you don't want to, since there's plenty of mobile options on the market. I'm living an RV right now! But if you DO want your own land, your own space, and your own house.... invest in locks, and give no one a spare key. Then you and you alone will decide who walks across your threshold.

When I was young and still at home my own mother would monologue AT me for hours on end. Two, three, four, five... Some days I couldn't finish my homework because she would not shut up. If she was not satisfied that I was "sorry enough" by the time I went to bed, then she would come in after fifteen minutes or half an hour and start up again, breaking my already fragile sleep cycle. I understand that feeling of no escape, of having no sanctuary. It is a bottomless well of despair, and it does not die easily.

I believe the truth is that you will feel a sense of security once you have *created* your own security. Nobody gets a key. You get yourself some security cameras or one of those nice doorbell cameras. Heck I can even recommend a really nice wide angle peephole for your front door if you like! And door armor! It's a thing and it's cool! We lived in some rough neighborhoods over the years and we learned a lot about securing a house. If you don't have pets you can even get some window "screamers" that scream bloody murder if a window gets opened. (Cats set them off though, typically around 1AM, ask me how I know :doh: )

Our space is sacred to us. Your future home will be sacred to you. It's worth setting aside the extra funds now so that you can deck it out when you first move in instead of having to pick and choose one thing here and one thing there. A combination of security measures, and trusting them to work, will let you sleep like a baby at night. Just lock it down like Ft. Knox. :tongue2:
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

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moglow

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Re: Really afraid to settle in one place
« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2021, 11:23:43 PM »
Honey, don't do this to yourself. You deserve a safe space of your own, where no one can intrude of Mr touch anything without your permission. Do.it. you'll find out things and heal parts of yourself you didn't even know existed!

Mine was intrusive and disrespectful of my space in years past, even though I wouldn't never have walked into her home. Even now I don't have a key and don't want one. She has no idea where I live and I doubt she's care enough to try and track it down. Having an ignoring mother does have its benefits I guess.
Please get your own space, and make sure you have good locks, security cameras, ring doorbell etc. If she shows up you don't have to answer the door or even acknowledge her. If she ambushes you outside, you snatch your arm away and keep walking. You can't prevent her from showing up but you can damn well shut her out. I think you need that for yourself, standing up to her and staring her down.

If you need reinforcements, let me know. You need this for yourself. Make it happen, and stop running from the shadows.
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Cat of the Canals

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Re: Really afraid to settle in one place
« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2021, 12:11:56 AM »
Totally agree with what Andeza and moglow have said. If it would help your peace of mind, consider getting a place with a nice big fence or wall! (Or having them installed after moving in.) We live in a place where it's common to have a walled courtyard. We have two, and all of the exterior doors are behind the walls. The only way to access the front door is through a gate, and it is latched from the inside unless we're expecting someone to come. We live far from our FOOs now, but my husband has expressed worried that PDmil might one day just show up (especially during a recent period where he was considering NC and feared the repercussions). I've told him repeatedly, "She can't get through the walls, and I would have no problem calling the police." The added bonus is that strangers and solicitors can't knock on the door either.

No matter what you do, please don't be afraid to get a place of your own. I suspect you will actually end up feeling the opposite: like you finally have somewhere that is YOURS. A place with a door you can keep locked and retreat to when you need to feel safe.

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JollyJazz

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Re: Really afraid to settle in one place
« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2021, 04:17:06 AM »
Hi Andeza, Moglow and CatofCanals,

Thanks so much for your support and understanding responses! It really helps!!!

Part of me does want to have a place of my own. So much. I've actually wanted that for so long.
Logically I know that's a good thing.
But I realised fully why I'm feeling resistance, dragging my feet a little bit, and of course it's that feeling of wanting to be safe by running!

Andeza, thanks for being so understanding!
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I understand that feeling of no escape, of having no sanctuary. It is a bottomless well of despair, and it does not die easily.

It really feels relentless. And the most recent 'home invasion' really set me back, as does the constant pestering and badgering about where I live.

I like the sound of your RV! I love the idea of a tiny home or something I could move. But I live in a city so an apartment is probably more suitable.

Moglow, thank you! Yes having security and security cameras sounds amazing! Thanks for your support 🙂 I think I will probably post again about it. I realise how much I've been traumatized by all the harassment over the years.

And thanks CatofCanals! I love the sound of a nice high fence and double locks. Talking all this through makes me realize how important that feeling of security is to me.

Thanks again all! I'm going to take more practical steps on my own home dream! Just having a place of my own would be so so incredible. I'm just glad I pin pointed why I've also felt this lingering cross current of anxiety about being in one spot!

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Really afraid to settle in one place
« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2021, 04:19:57 AM »
I agree with the other posters.  Once you have a place that you can lock you develop a feeling of security over time.  You will tell yourself as many times as necessary that you are an adult now. You can protect yourself. You are no longer that little kid that could do nothing when mum came in and pestered her. You are strong and grown up now.  You can lock your door and only let people in who you want inside. With time you will believe yourself and begin to feel safe.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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JollyJazz

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Re: Really afraid to settle in one place
« Reply #6 on: July 18, 2021, 08:49:56 AM »
Thanks notrightinthehead!

Yes I am really looking forward to having my own space!  :)

I think it's good to realise that part of me is just traumatized from the harassment and stalking. But I can make my own haven and keep myself safe!

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pianissimo

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Re: Really afraid to settle in one place
« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2021, 09:47:17 AM »
Hi JollyJazz

I have similar fears. I'm afraid to settle in one place. In the back of my mind, I think of ways to render any visits from my mother or relatives futile. The other day I asked here if finding out about personality disorders in family led to major changes in future plans. That's what I had meant. I always feel like running. Apparently, this is a thing about trauma survivors. If you ask me, I don't know why I would feel like running away (I don't like traveling). But, when I think about it, I feel safer when I'm on the run, by which I mean, I'm on the move, in a temporary accommodation, in some place nobody wants to go. But, I feel like, this is a survival mode, not a thriving mode. I think that, without realizing, my mind switches between these modes, depending on triggers. When I look back, I think, after spending a couple of month with my family, I switched to survival mode, so, when I moved outside the city, I was glad to get away from them. The accommodation I was given was a bad one, but I was secretly happy that its bad quality would fend parents off. But, after three years, I met some people, and I think that I switched to thriving mode and moved to the city, to an apartment with a sea view, but, when I fell out with some of them, I reverted back to survival mode, and felt like digging a hole and moving into it so that nobody would want to interact with me. Since then, I have been discovering the extent of personality disorders in my family, and every interaction drives me to survival mode, and I feel like running away to some place nobody would find me.

The other thing, I think my fight and flight mode is also clashing with each other. One moment, I feel like facing and dealing with parents and relatives, and the next, I don't feel like seeing them at all.  For example, my mother wants to visit me, and I want to have some kind of relationship with her but I don't want to be invaded by her. One solution I thought of is to book a room in some hotel or something, so I would have her around but not in my apartment. I actually told her we could perhaps do that, and she was on board with the plan, but, the next day, I feared she would take advantage of my offer, like she would make a scene in the hotel, or pester me into staying in my place, or increase the frequency of her visits, and I realized, there are times I'm not good at drawing boundaries, for example when I'm overworked, or sad, or dealing with something else. So, the next day I called her and told her I changed my mind. As another example, there is a family thing that needs my attention. I told my parents I would go visit them last week, but I changed my mind like a hundred times since then like"Yes, I'm coming", "No, I'm not." . And, I still don't know what I will do about any of this. I decided to leave these decisions to the last minute. While thinking about these, what I realize is that, it's not even them I fear, I don't trust myself with drawing boundaries. I fear I will give in to them in some way. I know for certain there are times I'm not as strong to draw boundaries, and I know for certain they are manipulative and abusive as it gets, and I also know, after spending time with them, I shift to a confused state, which is, probably, the result of emotional abuse I'm exposed to. I'm also triggered by them.  So, there I am, not knowing what to do and driven by events around me. Neither moving around nor settling in a place feels right. I can't stay away from my parents for ever, yet I can't tolerate them more than ten seconds either. The only thing I'm doing in this state is to let myself be in this weird state.

I don't know if what I write here is any help. I just shared. Sorry if all this is completely irrelevant to your situation. I wish you all the strength to move forward.
« Last Edit: July 18, 2021, 10:15:10 AM by pianissimo »

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JollyJazz

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Re: Really afraid to settle in one place
« Reply #8 on: July 18, 2021, 10:30:09 AM »
Hi Pianissimo,
Thank you definitely relevant!

Thanks for your support and solidarity. I'm sorry that you also have to deal with this!!

I decided to count back and I have had some places that I felt happy and settled in. There is a part of me that so much wants my own place.

This thread has been amazing, very understanding.

Focusing on the locks and ways to keep mother out will really help to damp down the anxiety.

I'll write more a bit later but thank you for your support  :)

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moglow

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Re: Really afraid to settle in one place
« Reply #9 on: July 18, 2021, 11:55:49 AM »
JJ, I finally bought my own home, closed on it just before Thanksgiving. For me there's a definite difference in no longer "camping out" and making do. I'm still adjusting but I know I won't be inviting mother here, I've not even told her about it. I don't care what she thinks or how she might feel about my home or me in it. Important as this is for and to me, she's shown no interest in me or my life in years. So I choose to not share - I neither want nor need her criticisms or possible applause. And I got damn sure don't want her asking about "her" room, as I've seen her do with others.

I think you'll feel some of the same with yours. There's a quiet power in owning, that we can absolutely refuse entry to anyone we choose and treasure our privacy there. Negative opinions and those storms they carry with them aren't welcome!
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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raspberryoxygen

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Re: Really afraid to settle in one place
« Reply #10 on: August 07, 2021, 05:16:40 AM »
Hi Jollyjazz,

Just chiming in with something that helped me, after I still felt unsafe, even after moving an a ocean away to a stone house with castle-thick walls, which is making a safe space in my head for my traumatized little-me. A helpful visualization is on the site “did-sos”. On the home page, scroll down to the link for “The Safe Place.” Sorry, I can’t post links.
It’s not just for DID/multiple personality people. It’s good for trauma sufferers in general and I use it every day. Hugs to you. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Really afraid to settle in one place
« Reply #11 on: August 07, 2021, 02:41:11 PM »
We moved far away and no one had a key and it was gloriously secure. Then (unfortunately) I was FOGed into moving back to take care of them in their old age (they were only 60) and live 10 minutes away. They don't have a key and we have an alarm on the door. No one is getting in or out without me knowing and allowing. Pet and house sitter gets a key as needed and has their own code. It works for us.
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JustKathy

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Re: Really afraid to settle in one place
« Reply #12 on: August 07, 2021, 03:07:15 PM »
Awwww, JollyJazz, I'm so sorry. I know the feeling of being scared in your own home and it's awful. After I went NC I ghosted and didn't give my parents my new address. They found it using unscrupulous means. One day I left the garage door up while I was bringing in groceries and when I went back out there was a package sitting on the hood of my car, unwanted gifts that my enFather had apparently dropped off and ran. I felt so violated since he had come inside the garage, which is legally trespassing. After that I was scared to go out front to do yard work and was always looking over my shoulder.

I had just bought this house and didn't want to move again, so I did what others have suggested. I fenced in the front of the property with wrought iron and a locking gate, installed a Ring doorbell and security cameras. I made sure my cars were always parked in the garage and the door was down. My father never came back to the house, or if he did, was unable to get to me. I still get cards mailed to me at this address, which is maddening, but the actual visits have stopped.

Please don't feel that you have to live on the run because of them. Don't let them take your happiness. If you found a home that you love you can protect yourself. It definitely sucks to have to check your cameras every time the doorbell rings, but it's worth it to prevent unwanted interactions. Take care. You deserve to be happy and free of their harassment.