PD mother in action

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pianissimo

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PD mother in action
« on: July 19, 2021, 07:38:05 PM »
I am writing this to calm myself down.

So, I am visiting possibly PD parents. They are amazingly good at looking normal or I am terrible at noticing subtle signs. So, despite everything I know, I fell for the fake niceness (there was no lovebombing whatsoever) and shared information about something close to my heart. It was like watching a documentary at that moment the great white shark hunts its prey. The prey happily swims in the water, it has no clue what's coming for it, and, bam!! Before I knew it, my mother took hold of my mood and thrushed it in her mouth. I went from amused to guilty, from relaxed to anxious. Wow, man, that was skillfull, that was a predator in its glory. I confronted her about what she said to me, but, off course, she played the victim by complaining how we don't allow her to speak freely.

Also, as who I am, without effort, I am such a great narcissistic supply.

This is all so weird. One moment, there is my mom, who seems helpless and oblivious,  and the next, the woman is controlling my mood like a boss and feasting on my attention and reaction.

I see both sides of her but it's difficult to believe she is capable of being normal nice to get what she wants. Her behavior seems both random and calculated. What is this? I totally second guess myself, like, she can't be thar bad.

Anyways, I should get some sleep. Thanks for this space. It's good to be able to talk about these things. So painful.


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Spring Butterfly

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Re: PD mother in action
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2021, 11:27:24 AM »
Hopefully you found peace during your visit and able to heal. It's just like that - spurts of clarity and ability to keep on a mask. Until it slips. You were programmed to be who you are - n supply - so don't beat yourself up for what's beyond you to have known about before. NOW you know, now you can deprogram, now you can make new choices. You get to make those choices moment by moment. Every time you slip in thought or word, back up, recommit to your new choice and move forward reset. Do that as often as needed. You can do it!
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
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It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
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Boat Babe

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Re: PD mother in action
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2021, 05:51:28 PM »
What Spring Butterfly says is on the money. You either go NC with a PD or you change your own behaviour round them (Medium chill, Grey Rock etc). The third option would be that they change, but we know that's never going to happen. And behaviour change requires two things: the will/motivation to change and the practice of it. The laying down of new neural pathways by repeating skillful behaviours round your parents. As you do this necessary work, also focus on your own healing, personal development, self compassion etc so that you get to the point where you just see your parents exactly as they are with compassion for their ghastly ways. Well, that's what I'm working on!
It gets better. It has to.

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athene1399

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Re: PD mother in action
« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2021, 10:07:00 AM »
Spring Butterfly and Boat Babe have great advice. Maybe start out weighing out the pros and cons of going NC/LC versus staying in contact and changing how you interact. And it is all trial and error. There will be hiccups along the way. It can be difficult to navigate.