And still I dither

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JustKeepTrying

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And still I dither
« on: July 20, 2021, 02:09:58 AM »
Dither - making decisions - cognitive dissonance - whatever you call it - I got it.  I realize part of it is because I am at a crossroads in my life.  My youngest is off to college.  If I make good financial decisions and budget - I will be financially OK on my own - even with a reasonable safety net.  I find no need or desire for a companion and right now, a furry one is fine.  But what I face is a life of trying to manage my disability and the pain that accompanies it.  Family flung far and wide.  And a whole lot of nothing.

I have a plan of traveling in October.  I bought an RV and planned to live in it full-time.  But on a recent camping trip, I realized I hate driving it.  And once again, I am fraught with indecision and anxiety.  I feel so unsure of myself and whether I am making the right decisions.  Good decisions.  My self-confidence is shot.  I know that I need to do this to grow confident - find the young person within that is still there before I met my OCPDxh.  But all I really know now is what I don't like.

And I don't like driving this monster.  Don't get me wrong, I did a test drive it and I took it for long trips last year. But this time around I just hated every minute. 

Ugh.  After a lifetime of dealing with PDs in the family and in my spouse, I feel in some ways like a little kid learning again on my own.  And it scares me.

As I write this post, I am resolving to like my handle, just keep trying.  I will look into other ways to do what I want.  Which if I am honest, is move from place to place and heal in nature.  To somehow soothe that rootless part of me that rebels against the stay-at-home nature of my ex.  I want to figure out where I want to stay, what community do I feel comfortable in - just who am I, and where are my people?  I honestly don't know.

Is this normal?  Do others feel this way?  Is it because it was so long-term for me?  30 years of marriage and a childhood of it?  Does it get better?

Reassure me, am I asking the right questions?  Because there are times I just don't know.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: And still I dither
« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2021, 08:52:38 AM »
I have no answers for you,  just the re-assurance that you are not alone. Me too,  I am stuck in indecision and anxiety. I often bury my head in the sand instead of making a decision.  I need to find artisans for several house projects and I dither.  I worry they will overcharge me and talk me into unnecessary expenses.  I call and they don't call back or don't arrive on the agreed day - throws me back and paralyses me for a week. I don't even want to travel anymore,  the idea of packing, not knowing my way around in the new place,  sleeping and eating badly - and paying mightily for that just exhausts me.  And I used to be so full of energy and decisiveness ...Now that I don't have to protect myself from the abuse anymore my energy also seems to have left me. 
I can only hope that both of us snap out of that state of mind eventually...
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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Oscen

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Re: And still I dither
« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2021, 09:22:19 AM »
Hi Just Keep Trying, no, you're not alone and these questions seem healthy to me.
I'm doing the same, feeling a bit stuck and indecisive. I'm anxious of doing the wrong thing, or making the right choice but doing it wrong. I think my system needs a rest and less pressure right now, but I feel guilty and also bored and impatient.

I can relate to wanting, needing to take a step forward but being unsure. I think your emotions are there to what the best course of action is, but it's tricky to read them when we've spent a lifetime tuning them out to get along with abusers. Your dislike of driving the RV may be telling you it's not right for you so you can cut your losses and sell it, or alternatively it might be stirring up an old emotion or belief that is ready to be dealt with, freeing you up to drive it with satisfaction afterwards. Either one would require very different actions. Only you can say which it is, with some time spent listening to your inner self. Maybe journalling free style could let your inner voice be free? Good luck.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: And still I dither
« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2021, 02:25:23 AM »
My parents rvd for decades.  Then MO I g and drivi g it became more of a chore than they enjoyed.  They found an rv park and left it there all year and drove to and from it like a second home.  They became great friends with others who did the same. In the winter when the rv park was closed they all rented hotel rooms near the camp ground so they could all see each other and play  cards and dominoes and catch up.

But as the previous post suggested there could have been an issue that has bubbled to the top needing dealt with.

If not, rvs are in short supply you might do better than in the past at recouping your investment.

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Cat of the Canals

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Re: And still I dither
« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2021, 12:28:28 AM »
It sounds like you're still in the midst of a pretty big transition, so I absolutely think this is normal. And I don't know if it's CPTSD or just how I am, but I always dither and second-guess when it comes to big decisions.

I hate change and a lot of times I will stay in my narrow rut because it's simply more comfortable than stirring everything up in an effort to forge a new path, even if it's what I want.

I was going to suggest something like what 1footouttadefog mentioned: feeling less like you need to be on the move constantly and try hanging out in certain places a bit longer, perhaps even with the goal of finding a place to settle more permanently. Finding that community you mentioned. Mostly, be patient with yourself.

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Sapling

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Re: And still I dither
« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2021, 03:30:00 AM »
 :yeahthat:

If your youngest is off to college and you're going to be on your own now, that's pretty huge. In addition to that exciting but daunting next chapter ahead of you, we're all living in a time of uncertainty, globally. You don't have to be making big moves right now. Maybe this is just the right time to dwell in uncertainty and see what comes up for you. You'll make moves when you need to  :yes: