I think I'm more angry at myself than at uOCPDh

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11JB68

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I think I'm more angry at myself than at uOCPDh
« on: July 26, 2021, 09:53:35 AM »
I posted on Common Behaviors about uOCPDh's controlling behaviors around my clothing and the appearance of myself and DS in general but specific to an incident on Sat evening.
I was reflecting on my internal responses to this situation. Often he will do something and then he'll ask "are you mad at me?" and I usually say no. Partly because I'm not "mad at" him. Usually the emotions I'm feeling are way more complicated than that. Plus that sounds like a 10 year old to their parent (which probably speaks more to HIS stuff). Usually I'm frustrated, disappointed, angry, sad etc. And often I think I'm more angry at MYSELF than I am at him.  I'll cc the other post below for context, but with this situation I 'caved'. I did what HE wanted, not what I wanted. I ALLOWED him to cause me to feel self-conscious. If I had more confidence I could just not care. I ALLOWED him to 'bully' me (out of fear that he would become angry, be cranky etc all night) into doing what HE wanted. I'm angry with myself for still being in the same damn situation and not having the (ability? self-determination? confidence?) to just say NO. To either say I'm DONE or to set boundaries.
I have made so many excuses for not leaving or delaying leaving....i'm afraid of what he'll do (anger OR self-harm), I feel guilty (esp since his heart attack), I'm worried about finances, I'm worried about going through a horrific divorce process, I didn't want to leave when DS was  young/in college/etc., COVID hit, NOW it's: we are finally having a COVID-delayed grad party for DS - THEN DS will finally have his COVID-delayed commencement in October.....if I can just make it past that, then maybe it will be time to go...

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Cat of the Canals

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Re: I think I'm more angry at myself than at uOCPDh
« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2021, 01:59:26 PM »
One of the things this board has taught me is that anger can be a healthy emotion. It's something deep inside telling you, "THIS ISN'T RIGHT."

Maybe this fire inside is what will give you the strength to not cave next time.

That being said, I think your reaction was normal. Who wouldn't feel self-conscious in a situation where someone is just picking and picking and PICKING and won't let up? So many of their games are designed to only let up when we give them exactly what they want, so they go out of their way to make us as uncomfortable as they can so we'll just give in.


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11JB68

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Re: I think I'm more angry at myself than at uOCPDh
« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2021, 02:26:45 PM »
Cat - yes, "So many of their games are designed to only let up when we give them exactly what they want, so they go out of their way to make us as uncomfortable as they can so we'll just give in."
His criticisms (I feel) are constructed in a way that he feels will pull at a nerve for me, so that he will manipulate me into doing what he wants.
So he won't say - I don't like it. I don't like that band. I would never wear that, etc.
Instead he says it's 'not flattering' or not attractive - because in his mind, I like to look good (yes, I do) so if he says I look bad then he feels he is somehow appealing to a need of mine.
Again, I worry that I'm reading too much into this but if this is what he's doing (and the more OOTF I become the more I feel like I'm seeing this) this really concerns me that he is being this coercive and PURPOSELY.


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square

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Re: I think I'm more angry at myself than at uOCPDh
« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2021, 02:55:58 PM »
The thing about PDs, I think, is that their real power is in the constant threat of totally losing it.

You could reframe everything he says to show that HE is the one with a problem with your shirt, and you donít have any need to solve it. You could dance around with perfect MC, but heíll keep going and going. And if you ever just straight up call him on it, and here is the bottom line, heíll blow up.

Thatís where they get you. No matter how ridiculous they are being, no matter how easily you can point out the illogic, they always have this invisible knife to your throat, the threat of blowing up, any time, over anything, at any cost.

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11JB68

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Re: I think I'm more angry at myself than at uOCPDh
« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2021, 04:05:28 PM »
Yes, Square - this is it: No matter how ridiculous they are being, no matter how easily you can point out the illogic, they always have this invisible knife to your throat, the threat of blowing up, any time, over anything, at any cost
In the back of my mind is that idea that, if I maintain my boundary and do what I want he will be angry all night, to the point that I may even need to call our friends and cancel the get together completely.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: I think I'm more angry at myself than at uOCPDh
« Reply #5 on: July 27, 2021, 03:48:31 AM »
I think it is great that you recognize your own part in the situation.  That you decided to submit to his will in order not to make a get together with others uncomfortable was a conscious choice.  No need to be angry with yourself.  That would not be productive.  Be proud that you sacrificed yourself once again for the comfort of others.  But this time you did not do it automatically,  you chose to do it.  You could have chosen otherwise and made the evening full of tension for everybody.  Others would have seen what you have to put up with.
Your husband is making life difficult enough for you,  be kind, understanding, and lenient with yourself - you need to build up strength.  Engaging in a fight with a PD is not a good idea.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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xredshoesx

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Re: I think I'm more angry at myself than at uOCPDh
« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2021, 07:50:15 AM »
be gentle with yourself as you allow yourself to direct this anger.  the straw that makes you decide what your next steps are doesn't have to be a MAJOR THING, it could be like what you are going through now and when the timing is right you'll know.  i completely understand the need to provide your DS with some sense of a normal HS ending-

of all the horrific things that went down with my ex i ended it because he was pissy with me about how i reheated his spaghetti.  we had police, court case, 2 DUIS, a DV order and all the nonstop chaos that comes with those events and it was spaghetti.