He knows what he's doing

[Lauren17]

One of the things I've seen asked on this forum over and over is if the PD in our lives know what they're doing to us.  I've asked myself the question over and and over.
I've gotten my answer.  Yes, he knows.  And he knew all along.

Since I told undiagnosed BPD/NPDh that I'm filing for divorce all of the behaviors that I've posted about here have vanished, except for one.  He's now cheerful, chatty, hanging out with me and kids, apologizing for past wrongs.  He suddenly does things around the house, quickly and accurately--no longer confused about how to do it.  No more empty-the-water-tank showers.  Walking with me instead of 10 feet ahead of me.

The one behavior that's firmly in place is manipulation.  It's just coming at me now with a kinder face than before.

It's been an enlightening time.

[1footouttadefog]

It's interesting to see it like that.

I also got to see it when he interacted with folks out of the house.

Now you get to decide how you feel about someone who would choose to treat you like that when strangers would not have treated you poorly.

[D.]

I saw that too w/how my uPD father treated my en mother.  He can control himself too.  They separated 3 times.  And eventually she returned.  Each time first he was better, but once he really knew she would stay the abuse returned.  Now they are elderly and I suspect she feels without options.

Your perception is what one of my friends calls "x-ray" vision of people.  It seems that you are seeing through the current behavior to the "truth" of the person.  You now see reality. 

[bat123]

Hi, Lauren.  I agree with you that to some extent they understand what they are doing and can control it as needed.  Last year, I threatened to leave my uNPD spouse when his psychological abuse was becoming unbearable.  He quickly shifted to love bombing.  We then had  the two best months of the entire 25 year relationship.  The abuse stopped, and things felt "normal."  We had a very pleasant few months, and I actually thought maybe things had finally changed.  Silly me.  It didn't last.  I now see that it was just part of the normal cycle.  The "good" part just lasted a little longer than usual is all.  I think that they do on some level know that they mistreat us, and they can reign it in when it serves their interests to do so.  But in the bigger picture, I think it's more about them than us.  I don't think their key goal is to hurt us; I think their goal is to preserve and regulate their own self-esteem, and attempting to dominate us is the way they do that.  If it serves them to let up their abuse for a certain period of time, they'll do it.  Ultimately, I'm trying to shift away from analyzing him, and instead trying to spend time healing myself, and understanding why I was attracted to this type of relationship in the first place.  That's the only way things will ever improve, I think.

[tragedy or hope]

bat123,
loved your assessment of the unpdh. so true. they CAN behave when something is in it for them. I often mention that he would not dare to talk to anyone in his circle with such disdain, he needs to consider why he would do it to me. If he really feels that way, I offer for him to leave. If not, I suggest he take seriously what makes him think he is going to get away with such bad behavior with me and not be challenged every time. And I do in some way for myself, it is no longer for the relationship. I am not crazy, or stupid or deserving of such behavior. if it were from anyone else i would not take it, and I will not excuse it from him... it will be addressed. Maybe not in the moment, i am not looking for crisis, but in a period of love bombing when i know he really wants something from me... my best opportunity to have a captive audience. When he is love bombing, the part about leaving freaks him out because he is trying to weasel me into something, so he more or less succumbs.
I am at a point of considering going to his religious peer group and exposing him for the things he says, but you know, as I think on it, they probably would not believe me, tell me it is my fault or not care.
whatever we do, we have to make decisions for ourselves that are helpful to our own well being.

As I say, I don't believe in throw away people. I think my answers are not going to be given to me by someone else, but I so appreciate every person here who is willing to be vulnerable and I learn much from them.  your comments are right on IMO

I think there is something to be said for reserving total trust in any one entity, be it, therapist, religion, friends, forums etc...

As an adult, I will decide how to handle things when and if I am ready and with clear conscience and peace without doubt. (? I think I threw that in because I needed to say it.)

[Lauren17]

Bat, your response is exactly what I'm experiencing.  He's being pleasant now because he thinks he can talk me into staying.  As I look back on our years of marriage, I can see where we've been in this cycle before and I know what the next phase will be.  What I found so surprising this time, is that the behaviors he's stopped aren't just the ones I've talked to him about.  In that past, I've said, "I'm unhappy when you do A and B" So he has carefully stopped doing A and B for a while as part of the lovebombing stage.  This time, he stopped doing not only A and B, but also stopped doing C, D, E, F, G...  And the change happened literally overnight. 

TOH, I really resonate with this statement, "I think there is something to be said for reserving total trust in any one entity, be it, therapist, religion, friends, forums etc..."  I tend to want to do exactly this.  And that's been a driving factor to the my 50% of the relationship.  I want someone else to make the hard decisions for me. For years, I let that be H.  This is at the root of finding our core values, defining our boundaries and then living in them.

I agree that focusing on my healing is the best path.  But that is much easier to do when he's discarding me than it is when he's lovebombing.

[1footouttadefog]

The Moral of the story is that for many PDs being kind or nnice, is not the default but rather an act to get what they want.