Rock bottom

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Pepin

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Rock bottom
« on: July 26, 2021, 08:25:41 PM »
I posted recently about having nothing left to give when it comes to DPD MIL and her ongoing and annoying presence in our lives.  Today, while I still feel this about her, I am also kind of done with myself.  I was going to work out and turned around and decided not to.  What is the point of working out anymore for me?  I already loathe my body.  It certainly isn't going to get any younger or prettier.  And I'm tired of not being able to look the way  *I* want to because of what I was given for a body.  Yeah, I have a whole body but it is an ugly battered one that is tired to the core with the PD activity in my life.  I just don't want to do anything anymore.  And while this seems childish of me, I never had a childhood.  That whole part of my life was skipped over.  Never got to be a child and do child things.  Never threw a tantrum or I would have had my a** whooped on the spot.  As for DPD MIL, seems that she gets attention from DH when things are in crisis mode.  Maybe if I drop myself into crisis mode, DH will pay attention to our marriage and family for a change if that is what it is going to take.  He can have a fat unhealthy wife who is unable to manage her health conditions anymore because she has finally hit rock bottom after years of staying afloat.  I just don't want to keep going anymore.  I'm so done.
NPD F (overt/covert) NC
DPD MIL (covert) VLC
FALLEN GC SIB
GC#2 SIB (covert) LC

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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Poison Ivy

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Re: Rock bottom
« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2021, 08:40:53 PM »
I'm sorry you feel bad.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Rock bottom
« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2021, 03:31:17 AM »
Sounds to me like you work out for others,  not yourself. That indeed can stop being motivation to go.  I go to work-outs because ultimately it brings me joy to move my body, build up a sweat,  and retain some suppleness.  Often during class I ask myself "why am I doing this to myself instead of just ageing ?"  but afterwards I am always glad I did.  There are days when I do not go,  and that is fine too.
Your post sounds very down and I am sorry you have come to that point. I sincerely hope you will use this as a sign that you start to work on your self love, self respect, self acceptance.  Don't look to others,  look at yourself.  Forget about MIL, husband, FOO - look at yourself.  What can YOU do right now for yourself? 
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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Thru the Rain

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Re: Rock bottom
« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2021, 05:21:27 AM »
I know how you feel - everything is an obligation with no "up side", no happy outcome for you.

I had a period of severe depression. During that time when I left my house to go to work - but instead of actually going to work, I sat in the park all day. This came from a place of desperation, since both work and home were almost intolerable for me at the time. It wasn't a good long-term strategy, but in the very short term it gave me the break from obligation and dysfunction that I needed.

You sound like you may need that sort of break. Put things down for a while, including going to the gym if that's feeling like too much.

I didn't have any access to therapists at that time in my life - I was young, had no insurance, didn't really know what a therapist actually was or how to find one. But this might be a time for to consider discussing depression with a therapist. Especially if you previously enjoyed working out, since getting no pleasure from activities you once enjoyed is a sign of depression.

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Sapling

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Re: Rock bottom
« Reply #4 on: July 27, 2021, 08:18:18 AM »
Hey Pepin,

I'm sorry that you're feeling so low about yourself right now. You sound exhausted. You don't need to push yourself to go to the gym if you're exhausted. It's ok to rest- even if its for just a day. You can still look after yourself while DPD MIL, is getting attention from DH. You are worth being cared for regardless of what your body looks or feels like. And you don't deserve to be called ugly, even by yourself.

I can relate to the pain of not being allowed to be a child. This might sound silly but sometimes when I get to a low point like this, I try to do something for the child I wasn't allowed to be: eg. buy myself an ice cream or stickers or kick a ball around or color in (I have kids coloring books and crayons in my desk drawer). I can't explain why but it helps me sometimes, even though it can feel embarrassing. It might be 5 minutes of your day, but it might help to let yourself be the child you weren't allowed to be.

Please excuse me if you've already sought out these things but it sounds like it might also be time to get some extra support from: your GP or T right now if you feel like you're really struggling.

Try to focus on you right now and do one nice thing for yourself. Hang in there Pepin. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but there are still good days waiting for you  :hug:

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Breadroll

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Re: Rock bottom
« Reply #5 on: July 27, 2021, 08:58:57 AM »
Hang in there.  Agree with above- maybd check in with doctor.

For whatís itís worth- cold water swim  helped me in a rock bottom state. Also staying away from alcohol ( it made it worse).

Be as kind to yourself as you possibly can-have a good cry.

I bet you are kind and good company. Treasure that lovely body, give it lots of kindness, itís going to get you through this.