MIL pressures us to visit disinterested family members

[Rst1024]

I am already starting to get upset about the upcoming holidays this year (still a few months out!  ) and would love some advice on what to say to my mother-in-law.

She is very critical and controlling, but I have set good boundaries with her and my husband is supportive and backs me completely.

One thing I never know how to handle is how she tries to guilt us into visiting certain family members such as her parents.  We don't cave to this pressure but it's still frustrating, and it makes me feel like we're the bad guys for saying no!  Her parents have never shown interest in my husband (their grandson) or their 5 great-grandchildren.  Never asked to visit or asked us to visit them, no cards or phone calls for the kids' birthdays, no interest in seeing them ever.  We have only seen them a handful of times in the past 10 years at larger extended family events, and they barely say anything to my kids.

My MIL will pressure us to go visit them, and I never know what to say.  We just turn it down with an excuse, but she'll keep pressuring us.  She'll ask to take the kids to visit herself, but I'm not comfortable with them going without us, and I have no desire for any of us to go!  I would love to just tell her directly that her parents have never acted interested or tried to have a relationship with us, and we're just not motivated to go see them, nor are we comfortable with the kids seeing them without us.  I would also love to tell her to stop acting as an intermediary, and her parents are welcome to call us directly to discuss!

I think if I said this she would just make excuses and say how it's our fault, or her parents ARE interested but can't drive out to see us, or "it's not right to shirk family obligations."  But I would love to be more direct this year and stick up for our family instead of skirting the issue!  Any advice?  Thank you!

[all4peace]

We used to get this a lot from my husband's mother, pushing us to visit her parents, whom she didn't seem to enjoy and rarely visited. I've always wondered if it was a way to get a sense of family closeness without needing to actually deal with her own parents. Anyway, we complied as we were very young and hadn't yet found Out of the FOG.

Have you and your partner come to some sort of agreement on who handles the communication between his family and your family? Is it you, both of you?

I think it's ok to handle this any number of ways, as long as it's not harmful to you, your child, the grandparents, or your husband's parents. Families have differing views on which family has priority--the family of origin, or the family we create in adulthood. It could simply be that there's not a shared view of which family takes priority.

Have you and your husband had a discussion on how to navigate the pull between the 2 families? Have you had a chance to talk about red-zone Nos, green-zone Yes's, and yellow-zone middle ground where you'd say maybe? Would it be helpful to talk about whether you find value in being direct or less direct?

To me, this kind of situation is a wonderful opportunity to have really great marital discussions about:
*loyalty
*communication
*boundaries
*intergenerational connection
*differences between the above values in your family of origin, versus his, and the family you are creating together

Just a few thoughts. Best wishes!

[Call Me Cordelia]

I actually like saying that her parents are welcome to call you if they'd like to arrange a visit. It puts the ball in their court, you haven't said no, and is a subtle "butt out" to MIL. It may not work to change her guilt tripping, but you can certainly use that response on broken record.

"But it's not right to shirk family obligations!"
"They can certainly call us to discuss."
"But they can't drive out to you!"
"They are welcome to call and invite us."
"But will you go see them??? It's Christmas!"
"They are welcome to call and invite us. I don't know what more to say. Do you have any travel plans this year?"

[Sidney37]

 

Yes.  Put the ball in their court and get her out of the middle.   Keep saying over and over that they are welcome to invite you. 

I've found that PD families often forget the need for an invitation.  They invite themselves to places without being welcome or invited.  Tell her that they can invite you.   

[Cat of the Canals]

I actually like saying that her parents are welcome to call you if they'd like to arrange a visit. It puts the ball in their court, you haven't said no, and is a subtle "butt out" to MIL. It may not work to change her guilt tripping, but you can certainly use that response on broken record.

I only have two thumbs, but I'd give this ten thumbs up of I could. I agree that there is little you can do to stop your MIL's broken record guilt-tripping, but sometimes becoming a broken record yourself is the best way to Medium Chill through it.

[bloomie]

Rst1024 - hi there!

Isn't it just so strange for an in law to insist we visit people who have never actually invited us? We've experienced this as well.

We have also had the reverse... where my mil has invited others and/or announced she is bringing them to our home and intimate gatherings. 

We have learned to see it and respond to this kind of thing from an etiquette and manners  standpoint. Removing the frustration it brings it is not mannerly to go to someone's home without an invitation from them. The. End.

Love the input and thoughts throughout the thread and the firm graciousness of this way of responding:

I actually like saying that her parents are welcome to call you if they'd like to arrange a visit. It puts the ball in their court, you haven't said no, and is a subtle "butt out" to MIL. It may not work to change her guilt tripping, but you can certainly use that response on broken record.

"But it's not right to shirk family obligations!"
"They can certainly call us to discuss."
"But they can't drive out to you!"
"They are welcome to call and invite us."
"But will you go see them??? It's Christmas!"
"They are welcome to call and invite us. I don't know what more to say. Do you have any travel plans this year?"

[Rst1024]

I actually like saying that her parents are welcome to call you if they'd like to arrange a visit. It puts the ball in their court, you haven't said no, and is a subtle "butt out" to MIL. It may not work to change her guilt tripping, but you can certainly use that response on broken record.

"But it's not right to shirk family obligations!"
"They can certainly call us to discuss."
"But they can't drive out to you!"
"They are welcome to call and invite us."
"But will you go see them??? It's Christmas!"
"They are welcome to call and invite us. I don't know what more to say. Do you have any travel plans this year?"

Thank you for the advice, this is exactly what I'm going to do.  Assertive without being snarky.

[Rst1024]

Yes.  Put the ball in their court and get her out of the middle.   Keep saying over and over that they are welcome to invite you. 

I've found that PD families often forget the need for an invitation.  They invite themselves to places without being welcome or invited.  Tell her that they can invite you.

Thank you!

[Rst1024]

I actually like saying that her parents are welcome to call you if they'd like to arrange a visit. It puts the ball in their court, you haven't said no, and is a subtle "butt out" to MIL. It may not work to change her guilt tripping, but you can certainly use that response on broken record.

I only have two thumbs, but I'd give this ten thumbs up of I could. I agree that there is little you can do to stop your MIL's broken record guilt-tripping, but sometimes becoming a broken record yourself is the best way to Medium Chill through it.

Yes, I'm going to just keep repeating myself without trying to justify or argue.  Thanks for the advice!

[Rst1024]

Rst1024 - hi there!

Isn't it just so strange for an in law to insist we visit people who have never actually invited us? We've experienced this as well.

We have also had the reverse... where my mil has invited others and/or announced she is bringing them to our home and intimate gatherings. 

We have learned to see it and respond to this kind of thing from an etiquette and manners  standpoint. Removing the frustration it brings it is not mannerly to go to someone's home without an invitation from them. The. End.

Love the input and thoughts throughout the thread and the firm graciousness of this way of responding:

I actually like saying that her parents are welcome to call you if they'd like to arrange a visit. It puts the ball in their court, you haven't said no, and is a subtle "butt out" to MIL. It may not work to change her guilt tripping, but you can certainly use that response on broken record.

"But it's not right to shirk family obligations!"
"They can certainly call us to discuss."
"But they can't drive out to you!"
"They are welcome to call and invite us."
"But will you go see them??? It's Christmas!"
"They are welcome to call and invite us. I don't know what more to say. Do you have any travel plans this year?"

And somehow they have a way of making it sound so normal to just go over there uninvited 😆 and that WE'RE the ones who have bad manners!  Yep we have had the reverse too but for some reason that is easier for me to turn down directly - "we're not ready to host anyone else yet and we're not going to have them over".    Love your perspective - that it actually would be bad manners TO GO so we're acting mannerly in turning it down since we weren't invited.

[Rst1024]

We used to get this a lot from my husband's mother, pushing us to visit her parents, whom she didn't seem to enjoy and rarely visited. I've always wondered if it was a way to get a sense of family closeness without needing to actually deal with her own parents. Anyway, we complied as we were very young and hadn't yet found Out of the FOG.

Have you and your partner come to some sort of agreement on who handles the communication between his family and your family? Is it you, both of you?

I think it's ok to handle this any number of ways, as long as it's not harmful to you, your child, the grandparents, or your husband's parents. Families have differing views on which family has priority--the family of origin, or the family we create in adulthood. It could simply be that there's not a shared view of which family takes priority.

Have you and your husband had a discussion on how to navigate the pull between the 2 families? Have you had a chance to talk about red-zone Nos, green-zone Yes's, and yellow-zone middle ground where you'd say maybe? Would it be helpful to talk about whether you find value in being direct or less direct?

To me, this kind of situation is a wonderful opportunity to have really great marital discussions about:
*loyalty
*communication
*boundaries
*intergenerational connection
*differences between the above values in your family of origin, versus his, and the family you are creating together

Just a few thoughts. Best wishes!

Thank you, these are good questions to think about.  My husband and I have discussed his side of the family a lot and where we've always ended up at is that we want to make sure our kids have good relationships with them while still making it safe for me and them.  Your questions made me think a lot - perhaps it is time to reevaluate the kinds of extended family events I can handle.  I posted a follow up question as a result of your response, thank you!