I have a signed agreement

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Bunnyme

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I have a signed agreement
« on: July 27, 2021, 11:53:25 PM »
So, he had been lying to his attorney, but finally signed today.  So many mixed emotions.  Elated that I keep my pension and some other stuff.  Still sad about the loss of the future I imagined when we got married. 

All the while, my mom is critically ill...I'm cruising on 3 hours of sleep after being at the hospital all night and back again today.  Left to get my part notarized.  So, yeah, stressful day.

Now someone in his family made a comment that it sucks that I had to agree to no support since he has no job.  I said he told me he was full time.  (And he did agree to pay support based on that, but I didnt mention it to them)  I suspected he was short on hours, but they said he has never worked there. 

I cant even process his BS today, as I'm concerned about my own family. 
Sad part is that I'm so used to high stress/anxiety, that I dont even feel overly emotional about any of it. 

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Jsinjin

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Re: I have a signed agreement
« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2021, 11:53:22 AM »
Regardless the details:

Congratulations on the major milestone as tough as it is and as emotional as the problems are.   You deserve a lot of credit and virtual hugs for your efforts.
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

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Happytobefree

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Re: I have a signed agreement
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2021, 06:29:28 PM »
You have a signed agreement!!!  This is fantastic news!! 

For now, just focus on your mom and ignore everything else.

Congratulations!  And virtual hugs.

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Bunnyme

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Re: I have a signed agreement
« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2021, 05:22:23 PM »
Only 4 days in, and he had violated it in in multiple ways...already changed the first visitation, refuses to use the app that is written into the agreement. 
I found my anxiety rising as I started to write a response to him, tears filling my eyes.  I just cant with everything happening.
Now I have to choose whether to craft an email to him myself about all of this or if I should pay to have my expensive attorney do it. part of me wants to go through the attorney just to make sure he knows I'm putting my foot down.  Ugh

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Jsinjin

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Re: I have a signed agreement
« Reply #4 on: July 31, 2021, 06:06:39 PM »
My experience with PDs is that the manipulators will avoid anything that they are directed to do against their will unless it is the only option.

1) I've found that using very direct medium chill language without emotion while maintaining boundaries both gets results and throws the frustration into their yard instead of yours:

Example in a discussion you make  to him  that is rehearsed : "these are the documents that need to be signed and the pages are noted, do you intend to sign them now"

Him, " some manipulative statement trying to engage you into fear, obligation or guilt"

You with complete zero emotion "since you are not signing the documents as my lawyer drafted them in the settlement I will have him/her contact you directly"

And then leave.   Don't speak, don't answer the phone and don't followup.    Don't let him bait you into a conversation.   If he is not directly asking for things related to the specific ask then you are medium chill, no emotion done.   A judge can eventually force him to sign and yes there could be lawyer fees but the most likely interaction will be that he suddenly realizes to his enormous frustration that you have ditched emotion and the next time you ask him to address something specific he will get upset and may say mean things but he will comply because it's far far better for him to angrily let you go than to deal with a person who won't let him manipulate them.

Yes it's hard, yes it could cost but thinj if this in terms of a 10 year investment.   Your slight change in how you address him with a rehearsed statement and zero emotion will definitely provoke a response but for him, dealing with people who don't react to drama, or anger or manipulation or other behaviors is just as hard for him as dealing with a PD person is for a "norm".   They truly don't want an association with someone who won't tolerate their moods, behaviors, emotional needs and bad influence.   

You're strong, you've done what I haven't been able to do yet and each step makes you stronger and closer to being out away from the mess!   Medium chill it, demand what is the accountable portion of the legal parts and yes, pay the lawyer if needed but not before you lay the groundwork for exactly what needs to be done.   Use the lawyer when you have demanded specifics, he has ignored the demands for whatever bizarre fantasy he has and then follow through in the promise to have your lawyer follow up.
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

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hhaw

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Re: I have a signed agreement
« Reply #5 on: August 05, 2021, 10:43:45 PM »
Hold his feet to the fire, always.

Document the pD's compliance in every way you can.  Always be calm and overtly reasonable
...never snarky.  Always focus on the kids.

Example..."The children aren't available for Thursday visitation this week.  As you know, the Agreement states visitation is X.  Any change requires a weeks notice and agreement between both of us. The kids need consistent routines and do better when they know their schedules ahead of time.

I've copied this e mail to my attorney.  Please follow the Agreement to reduce stress on the children and facilitate smooth transitions for them."

Maybe shorten it up, but state the facts, document the facts, don't let the PD get away with non Compliance. 

Is your agreement enforceable through the courts, I hope?



hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt