Grief and Regret

[Sapling]

Recently I've been a bit overwhelmed with grief and regrets about the 'lost years' in my 20s and 30s when I was struggling with depression and struggling to survive without support form FOO. I went NC with my FOO in my late 20s and then changed to VLC in my 30s after some very clear boundaries were set. I have struggled for years with a lack of self-confidence/self-esteem, always wondering whether I was good enough and never hearing a 'yes, you are' from within me. Because my FOO never approved of my choice of career, and I never lived up to their GC expectations, I could not feel good about things I did achieve. There is a lot of inter-generational N traits in our family and I was expected to perform, perform, perform to keep the family looking good to others. I often felt more like prize bull than a human being to them.

I feel so much regret about not breaking away sooner! And grief about all the years I was held back in my life because of the emotional fall out from my family system. I had no idea what was going on in my FOO and, just couldn't quite figure out why I couldn't get it together like some of my peers did and just fearlessly go after my dreams. It has taken me a long time to even own what I wanted to do- becoming a musician- and then go for it. I feel decades behind everyone else, and I wish I didn't feel bad about this. I would appreciate it if anyone has any insights on this... Sometimes I think, because I'm finally getting myself together that the grief is coming now. When I was in survival mode, I didn't have the space for grief or regret. But now I feel it, and it is overwhelming. I worry that I just didn't do the right thing at the right time and I've missed the boat to happiness, fulfillment, success 

[Boat Babe]

I think this is normal at this stage in your journey and your healing Sapling. You won't always feel this way. You will eventually feel much much better, I promise you. I'm now 64 and know that life is as vivid now as when I was 18. I was also a late starter for many things: University (graduated as a teacher when I was 36) parenting (had my kid a month shy of 39) and generally getting my shit together. People have created astonishing works of art in their nineties, why not you? I'll never do that but I am starting a third career in trauma informed domestic violence work and unbelievably excited about where it will lead. I am learning so much, it's an absolute joy.

Feel your grief AND make room for joy/beauty/art/friendship/spiritual practice etc in your life. They are not mutually incompatible. Put one foot in front of the other, get support and self care like a champ. You have got this. ❤️

[Andeza]

Read my signature, feel the truth, let it sink in.

There are no deadlines in life, only society's expectations. Our disordered families are, in fact, a part of that society. And yes, now that your brain feels a little more secure, it will begin to process the backlog of crap that built up while you were in survival mode. Our minds are incredible, the most complex machines in existence... but even they have to sit back, throw up their hands and say "No! No more right now I can't handle it all!" But, the brain will circle back around. Whether that is weeks, months, or years later depends entirely upon your circumstances. The good news? Your mind is satisfied that you are safe enough right now to go back over this stuff and get it properly processed. The bad news? Well... you know. Now you have to sit with this grief, with this feeling of not being enough.

You are enough. You have done the best you could with the information available to you every step of the way. No one could do better in your shoes. You've done well. Now, you get to move forward and decide your future. Now is a new season in your life. Now you are in charge. There is no right thing at some magically right time. There is only tomorrow.

[Sapling]

Thank you so much for your replies. I can't tell you how much I needed this reassurance today.

Boatbabe, I really appreciate you sharing your story and letting me know that I won't feel like this forever. It's inspiring to hear that you're onto your third career in trauma informed DV work and really passionate about it! I look forward to what's on the other side of this grief... I hope my life too will be as vivid at 64 as it was at 18.

Andeza, you're right- it's the societal expectations I'm hearing loud and clear at the moment. Hard to drown out those voices in my head though. They sort of chime in with the inner critic. Thank you for saying this:

You are enough. You have done the best you could with the information available to you every step of the way. No one could do better in your shoes. You've done well. Now, you get to move forward and decide your future. Now is a new season in your life. Now you are in charge. There is no right thing at some magically right time. There is only tomorrow.

I needed to hear this. I will sit with the grief. I appreciate your kind and encouraging words.

[pianissimo]

I found out about narcissism and that I didn't have a happy childhood, that it was probably a bit horrific, relatively recently. I can't name what I felt at the time. I guess I felt compassionately sorry for myself for being driven by the need for love. That need caused so much stress and unhappiness in my life.I desperately tried to look attractive and be successful. Then, I thought I wasn't such a great person to be around. I worked on myself to be nicer, more sociable, less selfish, more understanding, more forgiving, less judgmental...etc. Then, when I thought things were going all right, bam, the past emotional abuse repeated in my friendship. Then, I, suddenly realized, all this time, I was OK as the way I was. I didn't have to do any of the things I did to "improve" myself.  All this time, I could have been a vagabond and I would have been OK. So, I guess this realization spares me the grief and regret. 

[DistanceNotDefense]

Sapling, I am a firm believer that we deal with what we deal with and make the choices we do always at the right times *for us* when and if we do make them for ourselves.

Like you made for yourself, to set boundaries/go NC/VLC with FOO.

You needed all that time and those experiences to process it all, and it took a while. But that time and experience was what was needed! None of it was wasted. You took the cards that were dealt you and turned it all around - you may not have been dealt a royal flush but you still won your own game, on your own timetable and instinct.

You pursued being a musician too, which is incredibly brave and gutsy and goes against the grain of so much in society instead of doing something "safe" and "normal." You followed your heart. I would be incredibly proud of you if you were family of mine, that you explored that path instead of caving into pressure. That, you will NEVER have to regret.

And as they say, sometimes youth is wasted on the young. So many people hit their peak in life later than is expected (look at Tina Turner - she went through extreme spousal abuse and then went on to be one of the most celebrated artists in the world - in her 40's! That is revolutionary.)

And so many others even later, their 60's, 70's. George R.R. Martin didn't make it big with Game of Thrones until his 70's!

That said, you have also lost so much too and the grief is real. It's a beautiful and painful thing at the same time that you're getting in touch with it now, and it will be a ride (and the gift is that you're not alone - you have us and this forum). But as long as you allow yourself to experience it while still putting one foot in front of the other, toward the life you envision, you're on the right track - you really deserve to be proud of yourself.

[Tribe16]

I think this is normal at this stage in your journey and your healing Sapling. You won't always feel this way. You will eventually feel much much better, I promise you. I'm now 64 and know that life is as vivid now as when I was 18. I was also a late starter for many things: University (graduated as a teacher when I was 36) parenting (had my kid a month shy of 39) and generally getting my shit together. People have created astonishing works of art in their nineties, why not you? I'll never do that but I am starting a third career in trauma informed domestic violence work and unbelievably excited about where it will lead. I am learning so much, it's an absolute joy.

Feel your grief AND make room for joy/beauty/art/friendship/spiritual practice etc in your life. They are not mutually incompatible. Put one foot in front of the other, get support and self care like a champ. You have got this. ❤️

Sapling,

What Boat Babe said! I am 61, and have only started exploring this toxic parent thing when things got really bad in the last 6+ months.... I am almost done with "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" - my goodness it is a game-changer. I read a post here on Out of the FOG about it and it is very validating and - I don't know if closure is the right word, but comforting certainly is. Have you read it? I highly recommend it. Your life is laid out before you - make every moment count! There are kind, friendly people out there - NORMAL PEOPLE!! People you'll love connecting with. I am a junior in college. I'm starting a business. I have bad days but there are so many blessings around me. I haven't talked to my mother for over a month and I'm less sad about that every day. In a crazy way, the peace is magnificent.

Blessings to you for a rich and fulfilling life 

[Sapling]

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement.

pianissimo, I can really relate to the the feelign of being driven by the desperate need for the love you didn't get from your FOO. And I also chased success for all the wrong reasons, when I was younger. It brought me no happiness, and I know I'm on a better path now.

DistanceNotDefense, thank you so much for you reassurance. I know, the grief is something I need to ride out and I'm so grateful to be able to connect with people on here who understand and are really supportive. It helps so much! You're right that people achieve things later on in life. I think I sometimes use age as a way of scaring myself out of what I'm doing. That internal battle takes a lot of energy and I'm still learning how to manage fear whilst moving forward step by step.

Tribe16, yes I have read "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents"  (my review is posted in the Book Review section of this forum). And I am currently reading the follow up book, "Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents" which has been so validating but is also evoking a lot of grief in me at the moment. I really do hope there are "kind, friendly people out there - NORMAL PEOPLE!!" as you say Sometimes I feel so exhausted by the interactions I've had with people it can be hard to hope for something better. I hope you continue to enjoy the new found peace you have from going NC with your M. Best Wishes.

[MarlenaEve]

Sapling,

as per your suggestion, I came here and realized we have similar regrets/feelings.
While I can see your progress, it might not be as visible to you as it is to me.

You have come Out of the FOG, went NC and then VLC, you're not in the system anymore. That, in itself is a huge accomplishment.
You've also realized what you want to accomplish in this life, which is music. You know that not many people know what they want to do with their life, and they keep trying out careers because they don't know themselves.

You know yourself and that's a huge step in getting the thing you want. How did the musicians you love start out, what did they do to progress and get better, what were their habits?

This is an advice I've got when it comes to achieving your dreams. Take the examples of those who've already achieved your dream and follow in their footsteps.

Also, you don't have to achieve something if you don't want to. That's what society tells us to do (make use of your talents, build a business, follow your dreams bla bla)

[Sapling]

Thanks MarlenaEve You're right- I don't see how far I've come already. Its hard to have perspective sometimes. It took a huge amount of energy to break away from FOO and that felt like it swallowed up years of my life. But as you say, that in itself is an accomplishment and I certainly feel more free in myself than I did when I was still caught up in trying to please them and avoid their disapproval. I so appreciate your kind and encouraging words. Your concerns and feelings really resonated with mine and I appreciate you sharing them.