No Contact but my NPD parents are borderline stalking . . .

[poetandpunk]

Hello everyone!

Hope you are all well.

Thank you again for your thoughtful responses to my post from 12 July about my parents showing up uninvited in our parking lot.

My dad has taken it a step further. We have him blocked on all forms of social media. But somehow he has managed to find photos of our daughter - I don't know how, maybe a mole. He has been sending emails to my husband with photos of my daughter. HE doesn't write anything in the body of the email except for 'my granddaughter.'

Needless to say it's very creepy and stalkerish. It leaves me feeling very uncomfortable. It also leaves me with a host of questions. How is he getting these photos? We have been ignoring him. Somehow my dad has managed to find my husband's new work email but my husband has decided NOT to block him because he's just gathering evidence for a possible restraining order in the future. He never replies to my dad but he saves all the emails.

My question to you as a community: what do you do when your NPD or NC family members try to get in touch through violating ways? How do you deal with the feelings of violation? We are not planning on pursuing legal action because we think it will just be more drama and stress and will give them what they ultimately want: attention. But how do you deal PERSONALLY when you are processing these kinds of behaviours?

I hate feeling violated. It leaves me feeling sick. Sometimes I exercise or do yoga to get it out of my system.

Also it's just ridiculous bc their behavior does not make me in anyway want to break NC. If my dad had written an email saying: I'm sorry for the ways I have treated you. I want to have a conversation. I want to start over and have a fresh relationship. I want to talk about how to make that work, well, we would be totally open to it. Instead he's choosing to do these dramatic, stalker-y things, which to any sane adult just raises red flags and pushes us further away.

I am starting to think that they don't actually want a relationship - they just want the upperhand, they want 'respect' and to be heard, but they don't want a relationship in the true sense.

It's very hard because we have no family and my daughter has no grandparents, no cousins (all my siblings are flying monkeys).

Can anyone relate?

[11JB68]

Poet, above you mentioned:"I am starting to think that they don't actually want a relationship - they just want the upperhand"
I think with many pwpd this is key. It's about control not love

[Call Me Cordelia]

That is scary!!! And sick. Do you recognize the photos? Or did they come from some creeper?

Either way, I could not tolerate this. I think you have more than sufficient grounds for a restraining order already. You've had in person and cyberstalking at this point, and no indication that it will fizzle out.

My parents did not reach this level of stalking, BUT I had every reason to believe that my father was trying to set me up to be charged with child abuse and I could no longer ignore the harassment and smear campaign. I visited a lawyer for a (free!) consultation and she coached me on how to send a cease and desist letter. Very brief, dispassionate, you are breaking the law and I will take action against you if all contact from you does not stop immediately. I sent copies to flying monkeys too (don't know if that applies to you) and sent it certified so I have his signature on the receipt. He has no case if I hear from him in the future. It's brought me 2+ years of silence at this point.

And yes, I agree with you that it's about control. "My granddaughter," indeed. What about your daughter, your DH's workplace, your decisions, your peace, your right to live your life. Nope.

We also have no family of origin left to speak of, on either side. It's so much better this way!!!

[Call Me Cordelia]

I realized I already described my cease and desist experience last time you posted. Sorry for the repetition. You parents are not borderline stalking, this is full-blown. Please protect your family.

[EtherOrchid]

I'm lucky that my mother is the helpless waif type.  She doesn't know how to use a computer, let alone track me down on social media. Each time she has found my address, I believe it's only because of flying monkey social workers. My mother is great at convincing strangers she's this sweet little old lady who is worried about her daughter. I know this because one wrote asking me to please contact her.  When I first went NC, she launched a campaign of psycho-dialing my phone to the point where I had to change numbers.  For some reason I couldn't block numbers on my cell (an old flip phone). 

I only got a few letters in the mail. Some I never opened. She would try to trick me by not writing a return address on the envelope.  Recently, she sent me a mother's day card (I don't have kids). It was full of her usual waify nonsense about not knowing why I won't talk to her and how concerned she was about me getting COVID. She asked me to call her because she doesn't have a car or email. I took a photo of the card before tossing it, just so I know how to avoid running into her or accidentally answering one of her calls. I am always a bit worried when I open my mailbox each day. She doesn't care that her actions hurt me. Only her feelings matter and in her mind she will always be entitled to be a part of my life.

[poetandpunk]

Thanks everyone for your replies!

CallMeCordelia: I'm under the impression that a restraining order needs to be preceding by a violent incident. At least in our state.

I just feel so fed up with this stuff. My husband and I don't want to take legal action unless we think we will get the restraining order for sure. We can't afford a lawyer. Plus we think my parents will get off on the attention.

[Fiasco]

Poet a Cease and Desist letter is different from a restraining order. It carries no actual legal consequences rather it's an "official" warning and does successfully scare some people off. Get a free consultation with a lawyer and find out what your options are. Sometimes the things we "can't afford to do" turn out to be things we can't afford NOT to, and you'll maybe feel better knowing what your choices are and what they may cost.

[poetandpunk]

Thanks Fiasco that's very helpful! Thank you!

[Starboard Song]

I'm lucky that my mother is the helpless waif type.....

EtherOrchid, welcome to Out of the FOG! I see you are a new member. When you are ready, we'd love to learn more about you on the Welcome Mat, and I hope to see you on those boards.

My question to you as a community: what do you do when your NPD or NC family members try to get in touch through violating ways?

PoetandPunk, We wrote a very dry, firm email stating that the form of communications attempt in question was inappropriate, and asked them to not repeat it. This created some noise, but by and large ended it. We had to resist the temptation to comment on every failed attempt, though, rather than focusing on (1) blocking and (2) ignoring. I get it though: sometimes it is too much to ignore.

As for how we dealt with the violation, largely through selfcare to strengthen ourselves personally. The top line of my signature is the set of resources my wife found most valuable.

Be good. Be strong.