what to say to the kids?

[Lauren17]

I'm struggling with how to tell the kids that uBPD/NPDh and I are divorcing.  One is early teens, one is late teens.  I cannot come up with a way of saying that I can no longer stay in a relationship with no love, trust or respect that doesn't sound like a criticism of H.  He is implying that they need to know I'm the one leaving and breaking up the family, not him.
I'm looking for help wording all of this.
"Mom and Dad will still be your parents, but we'll be living in different houses," is the best I've come up with.  But it seems more suitable for a 5 year old than a teenager.

[notrightinthehead]

Possibly your kids have already noticed that your marriage is not a happy one.  They are teenagers and have their own struggles.  They might even know other kids whose parents are divorced.  A simple factual information - your dad and I will separate.  I am happy to talk with you about it if you want and answer your questions -  should be enough for now.  And you could make yourself available for their questions/problems as they arise.  However, I believe it might be helpful for them if you answer anything they want to know authentically and honestly.  That might also mean to not cover up for your h anymore, and not smooth over his behaviours, and no longer normalize what makes you leave.

[xredshoesx]

notright those are fabulous suggestions.   

[Boat Babe]

I think that talking to kids about anything must be, first and foremost, age appropriate. So for teens, I'd say that you and spouse are no longer happy together and that this is the reason for the separation. Then let them ask questions.

They have undoubtedly felt the PD undercurrents in the home, no matter how much you have tried to protect them, so it probably won't come as a surprise.

Wishing you well with this difficult conversation.

[Call Me Cordelia]

He is implying that they need to know I'm the one leaving and breaking up the family, not him.

If your husband is NPD, of course he wants you to take all the blame. Which is part of the whole dynamic that's pushing you to leave.  Blame has no place in a healthy discussion with your children, and the fact that you care about not criticizing your H to them does you much credit. I agree to let everyone's behavior speak for itself. This is an appropriate time to make use of the passive voice. Or neutral statements like, "We are separating."

I have no experience with teens yet, but I think the other posters' advice of giving just the facts and then letting them ask questions (without H) is appropriate. Maybe it would be well to decide in advance how much you are and are not ok sharing. Which is kind of what you are doing here. Because while this obviously affects them in a huge way, it's okay to keep some hurts to yourself. And it's ok to put them off with, "I'm not sure I want to share that," and think about it if their questions should surprise you. It's a different situation and with younger kids, but when we all went NC with my parents and in-laws, I found it helpful to keep the conversation focused on their feelings and how we were going to take care of them vs. what the grandparents did, eg. the Why, which I found necessary to keep very vague.

[hhaw]

Kids need to know they have kid business to tend to.

Adults have adult business that's NOT kid business. 

Your STBX shouldn't drag the kids into adult business, but.....he will, bc he's likely pathologically unable to help himself, ime.

You can still explain to kids what their jobs and business are:
School, grades, chores, social and discovering their passions.  That's it.

They aren't responsible for adult feelings, adult personal details or taking sides.  Adults asking them to do that are....
"Sick." Maybe?  "Confused about a kid's jobs?"

How would you describe healthy boundaries to a child?  What is a person who lacks healthy boundaries to be called?  A silly goose outside his fence? 

A child can be taught about fences and boundaries.  Given permission to recognize unhealthy boundaries through stories and calm reassurances everyone will be ok.  Even flailing PD dad who is outside his fence, unable to tend his garden,stomping around in other people's gardens asking them to come tend his.

Whatever metaphor you choose...you can speak about the stbx with compassion, always teaching....not judging......always asking the kids what they see, feel, think.  Validate those and teach coping strategies benefitting them through a lifetime of COWs, crisis of the week.

We can model worry worry worry strategies or do what you can then put that story/problem on the shelf and find the joy around us....in this moment.

It's easier to use words like silly when talking about PD behaviors, bc accurate descriptors can really anger the PD.

You'll know what's best for your kiddos.  You'll help them navigate the struggle.

Kids have their jobs.  They don't have to worry about the adult stuff.  The adults will do that, everyone will be ok....living arrangements will change but the kids are safe and loved.

The kids also have permission to ignore the stuff that's not theirs, even if the adults are making "sad" choices.  The kids have clarity around what's theirs to deal with and what's not.

Good luck.  A good T for the kids is helpful, ime.

[Kat54]

I spoke to my son first and told him we were separating, I was moving out. I let him know I wasn't leaving him behind, just his father. He was 23 at the time.  It was not a surprise for them as I was living upstairs on another floor of the house. Daughter was away at college so I believe I called her... it was a major blur so I hardly remember.

My son did not show a lot of emotion but he said "you and dad have been miserable for 20 years, so do what you need to do. "
Kids see way more than you think.

After I moved out both kids came to see me and I told them to ask questions and I would try and answer. It got pretty emotional and heated as my ex was feeding them a bunch of crap and lies about me. I just tried hard to keep communication open and honest and not say terrible things about their father. I did once out of frustration and anger.