Mom's 180-degree turnaround

[Sneezy]

I know what you all are going to say - I should enjoy this while it lasts.  But it's so jarring that I have to talk about it.  Mom is in senior living near me, and for the past two and half years she has been utterly miserable.  Covert NPD on steroids.  Everything is awful, everyone is mean to her, etc. etc. etc.

And now - enter Sam, the widower from downstairs.  All of sudden Mom and Sam are together non-stop.  They eat every meal together and do every activity together and Mom no longer has any time for phone calls or complaining or anything else.  She doesn't call.  When I call her, she is clearly distracted and wants to get off the phone.  I feel like I'm getting the big brushoff.

I know, I know - this is what I have said all along that I wanted.  I wanted her to be distracted and busy.  But it feels so weird.  One week she is calling nonstop and is miserable and expects me to entertain her and take care of her, and the next week I call her and it's like "stop bugging me, I have things to do" (she doesn't actually say this, but it's implied).

Guess I will just count my blessings for now and pray for Sam's continued good health 

[Poison Ivy]

I understand your mixed feelings. But yes, try to enjoy being ignored while it lasts.

[Sidney37]

It's just so jarring, isn't it?  My PDm was that way when she found a female friend (who herself had been raised by an abusive mother, so this friend appeared to have some major co-dependency issues).  When I called PDm at the demanded times and she was talking to "Sarah",  I was told that I should have know she'd be talking to "Sara" and that I was bothering her.  She was getting more supply from "Sarah" than she was from me.  I'm NC now and sometimes wonder how that relationship with "Sarah" is going. 

I agree.  Enjoy your time now while it lasts as strange as it seems.

[Cat of the Canals]

PDmom got much less demanding with me once my brother had children and there were suddenly grandkids to occupy her time. In fact, she often "admits" that I won't hear from her for a while because they'll be "very busy babysitting" this week. She has nagged me to call nonstop, and then when I do, if the grandkids are around, "She can't talk now, the boys are here." Of course, the second there's a lull, she's demanding to know "WHERE ARE YOU?????" The moment it suits her schedule, I am supposed to be on-call to fill the void. 

So yes, enjoy it while it lasts... hopefully it will go on for a long while! But expect there to be lulls where your attention is suddenly of utter importance. And if things go south with Sam.... oof. I don't even want to imagine what that would be like.

[moglow]

Mixed blessings, I know. And yes, enjoy it while it lasts.

Years ago mommie dearest hooked up with a family friend whose wife had recently passed. Even while my stepfather was alive she'd spent years making underhanded comments about this lady, her hair (she was a beautician) and choice of clothes, her home, what she said, how she raised her children etc. Pot meet kettle, I know.

Mother kept the roads hot between her house and his and was hell bent on making her mark at his house. She insisted that she make new kitchen/bedroom/bath curtains, change any and everything she could, even got incensed that his deceased wife's pictures were still displayed in the house. We kept telling her to slow down, back off, he needs to go to YOUR house, find time for YOU. But no. We didnt know what we were talking about. It's "different for your generation." Right. But let the man have some air already or he'll run screaming into the woods!

I never was told how it ended or what was said, but within just a few months he was being referred to by a variety of insulting names. I'm assuming by that, he ended it. She was supposedly discarded for a kinder gentler soul and God bless him for it. When that wife too passed away far sooner than ever imagined, mother was gleeful. Laughed. Sneered at him being alone again. If I had to place bets I'd say she actually contacted him again and was rebuffed. And *I* laughed at that one. Except ...

Yeah. She came slithering back to me, expecting, demanding that I entertain and "be there" for her. I was supposed listen to her bottomless empty tales of woe and deceit, the heartless ramblings and her pathetic attempts to excuse  the inexcusable. Stupid me, I fell for it, thought it would make a difference for her.

Except it didnt.

 

[Amadahy]

My Nmom met a skank boyfriend a few years after EnDad passed .... and I was so grateful for him.  He put up with her demands and she waited on him hand and foot.  I was left alone unless he'd made her mad about something.  Even then, I'd listen with "uh huh," and excuse myself after a minute or two.  He died in 2016 and I miss him everyday....   

[nanotech]

My dad does this. It swings from waif behaviour -my buttons are pressed about not having rung, but if golden child brother is on the scene, he really couldn't care less when he speaks to me or even when he sees me again.
My UNPD sister too. She was on the phone to me every single night. I supported her through her failing marriage and then her divorce.
Then she met someone, and within a few days she suddenly became completely unobtainable by phone. While it was a bind to always be supporting her, I'd become used to it, and of course it supplied my taught codependency.
We've been trauma -bonded by thd PDs, and we are/ were kind of addicted to continue trying our utmost to fix things. At least it made us feel needed and wanted. So when they  don't need us because some person they  met 5 minutes ago is giving them attention, we can feel abandoned, even though we now have that PD 'off our back'.  It feels like rejection.
If we really examine what's happened, it  also illuminates the one -sidedness of the attachment. 
When I did get to speak to her, I would curtly get told how busy she was and made to feel a nuisance. She would almost seem to relish in her dismissal of me.
This is the person I used to drop everything for.
They have no interest in ever being a gentle ear for OUR  benefit. Not unless there's been MAJOR drama - then they WILL be there ASAP, adrenaline pumping, with their knee- jerk advice, their black and white opinions. Drama and gossip are major sources of supply for them.
As long as they have their supply they are fine......
A reciprocal relationship with us is of no interest to them.

[1footouttadefog]

Thanks goodness for Sam.  How wonderful that they both have a distraction while it lasts.

Enjoy your break while it lasts.

It's amazing how NPD and other PDs can show us how easily we can be replaced.  How we were never so special we needed to stay and or that they can live without us and always could have.

I of course had to grieve all of the time and efforts and derailed opportunities that were sacrificed along the way and were never really appreciated and that all would have marched forward with iht them.   Dealing with it was part of healing for me.

[Sneezy]

They have no interest in ever being a gentle ear for OUR  benefit. Not unless there's been MAJOR drama - then they WILL be there ASAP, adrenaline pumping, with their knee- jerk advice, their black and white opinions. Drama and gossip are major sources of supply for them.
As long as they have their supply they are fine......
A reciprocal relationship with us is of no interest to them.

Wow, I am surprised at how common this is.  Nanotech - you hit the nail on the head.  When I called Mom earlier in the week, she answered with "what's wrong?"  As if she was waiting for some major drama from me.  And when I had no drama to give her, she was bored and ready to get back to Sam. 

At first I thought I might even be imagining things, but then my sister called me yesterday wanting to know what is going on.  Sis lives several states away and due to covid and finances and her job, she isn't able to see Mom very often.  So she "does her part" as she puts it by talking to Mom on the phone every day.  In fact, she often talks to Mom more than once a day (bless her heart).  But now Sis says that Mom's once or twice a day calls have dwindled down to once or twice a week and Mom just lists everything she and Sam have been doing and then wants to get right off the phone.

As you all advise, I am just going to enjoy the peace and quiet for a while.  As Cat says above, if things go south with Sam, it could get ugly.  Yikes - I don't even want to think about that.  Luckily, Mom can be downright charming to others, especially men, and so hopefully this lasts for a while.

[SunnyMeadow]

    Here's to Sam!

May all of our PD people find their own Sam soon    This is great news Sneezy. For your sake, I hope it continues.

[1footouttadefog]

Gives a whole new meaning to "Good Sam Club"

I will have a silent chuckle next time I am driving on the interstate and see those stickers on cars and rvs.