Missing the FOG ?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Scary medical news in the past few weeks - A good chance there aren't many years left for me and even fewer with an ability to function halfway decently.  It's not certain, just likely.  We have to wait and see what develops.  Who knows what this is doing to my emotional state -- I'm still kind of in shock, I think.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised at whatever feelings or impulses might come up while I'm processing this.

I've been NC from PDex for 19 mos.  It's been hard, especially early on, as I missed him so much . . . the Dr. Jekyll part, that is.  I did so love that honeymoon guy.  And it's hard living alone when I so much preferred how I always lived before this -- with family until the kids grew up, or just with him after that.  I've notice in recent weeks and months (before the health news) that the pining for him has greatly lessened in intensity and I don't go into denial about the abusive part anymore.  The dreaming that it could be different, or somehow worth it, started getting drowned out by a de-fogged perspective.

I've been hanging in there these past few years, doing self care, staying as socially connected as I can and it's very slowly filling the hole.  I can't say it hasn't felt like something important is missing from my life, but i was willing to stick with it for however long it took to adjust and grow into a new me and a new life.

Now, though, that doesn't sound like a good way to spend my last years, if that should come to pass, and never get to enjoy the fruits of it.  Six months ago, I probably would have felt like saying "Nevermind.  Just call him and see if you can reconnect at some level.  It would feel sooooo good and so comforting  (at least at first).  And even if it gets crazy again -- at least I won't feel empty."

But I'd need to be a little more in the fog than I am now to not immediately realize what a nightmare I'd be bringing on myself.  I just see it all too clearly now.  I know.  Yay - that's wonderful!!!!  But that leaves me . . . here.  Right now i miss the denial, the crazy passion, the chaotic roller coaster that leaves no time or space to take a good look at where you stand.  I miss crawling out from the ashes of the last crash and burn with our renewed "love" and hope that this time it will be different (even though there's not one good reason to think it.)  Sick as it was, I loved the honeymoons, which sometimes lasted months.  And right now I really miss them.

Even though I'm aware of so many things I feel relieved not to have to wrangle with . . .  I just don't want to be alone.  Not now.

But I am.  And it will probably stay that way.  And hopefully at the end of my life,  whether that's a short time or a long time away, I can thank myself for holding the line.

Thanks, everyone, for being here.  Other people don't understand.  But i know that at least some of you do.

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry for the scary health news. At times like this,  I don't really know what to say - wishing you strength and serenity.

I am now 3 years and 4 month out.  I have increasingly been working on myself, and looking at my own patterns, my own needs, my own contribution to the relationship.  I am discovering a whole new person in me.  I am no longer that optimistic, insecure, desperate for love,  strong woman I was when I met him. The woman who thought she can make both of us whole with her love.  I think I never really knew who I was because I was so focussed on others. Now is the time of getting to know myself and  learn to truly like myself.   I am not saying that this is your path,  it just seems to me that this might be a sign to exclusively concern yourself with yourself as any good mother would do with a sick child. You already have tasted what it is like if you run to him.  What if you try putting all that energy into self care for now?

[Boat Babe]

Getting that sort of health news is always a blow. I really hope that you have many more healthy years of life ahead of you. These things are HARD.

As to the pining and the loneliness, I get that too. Please get as much support from good and trusted people to get you through this. PDs are notoriously selfish and behave appallingly around sick family members and spouses. You won't get a gram of comfort from this person. You will get more abuse. Guaranteed. And that will make you desperately unhappy again. You left him for a reason. If your health problem had not occurred you wouldn't be thinking of this. I totally get where you are coming from, totally. BUT it's not the answer to your problem and will make it worse.

We are here for you, big time. ❤️

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks, NotRight and Boat Babe.  You always offer such good, caring support to everyone, both of you. 

This is like a "Let's Stop Burning our Wings" group for moths.  As crazy as it is, sometimes the flame looks irresistible.  Thank God the NC has held these 19 months.  I believe it's the only thing that can work for me.   There used to be an old Rod Stewart song "If I listened long enough to you,  I'd find a way to believe that it's all true."  That's my story and why I need NC.

And thanks for suggesting the TLC for self.  Sometimes I cringe in shame when I remember how I sold myself out over and over   It brings back some of the self-condemnation that I was so steeped in as a child.  It's funny that I never feel that way about others in the same boat.  So, yes, some gentle self-parenting . . . I've never found a situation where that didn't help.

[Poison Ivy]

Oh, I'm so sorry about the scary medical news! That stinks.

If I'm understanding your message correctly, it seems that you're looking for activities or behaviors that will help you think less about the ominous possibilities. I'm guessing that there are safer ways to do so than by getting back together with your ex.

[Hattie]

Seems like you are having a bit of a wobble after your recent health news, which is totally understandable. Perhaps once the shock has worn off, you will feel confident again about holding the line, as you put it. I'm sorry about the health news. Well done for sticking with NC. You deserve peace and harmony in the coming months and years

[Boat Babe]

Oh, and check out Mindful Self Compassion. Dr Neff's work is simple, humane and it is so, so good. We learn to give balm to our own, hurting souls. I have found it transformative.

[Sapling]

Dear Lookin 2 B Free,

I'm sorry to hear about your scary health news. It must be quite a shock. There is a lot of wise advice in this thread about self-care and focusing on yourself at this time. I want to also encourage you to hang in there (even if you think you know what the likely outcome is) until you get more information about it. Hold onto yourself and look after yourself carefully while you're waiting for that information because sometimes the uncertainty can actually a more scary experience than dealing with a clear prognosis.

One of the things that struck me from the Dana Morningstar book, "Out of the FOG," was the assertion that: 'Life is not about fairness. It is about growth.' All of the PD abuse is incredibly unfair and sometimes we can get caught up in trying to get something back from the experience, trying to salvage something in an attempt to correct the unfairness or seek justice. Whatever time you have left, whether it is short or long, is precious. It is precious because it is time you have left with your beautiful unique self; a self that nobody else in the world can replicate; a self who deserves to be known, most of all by you. What better way to spend this time than getting to know yourself, finding out who you really are, and being supported by people you can really trust. You might discover something far more beautiful than anything those honeymoon highs could offer you.

I wish you strength and courage as you move through this.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Awwww.  What caring supportive responses from everyone.  Thank you so much  You've given me some good suggestions which i will follow up on.  What a Godsend this group is !!!

[SeaGlass]

 

[1footouttadefog]

Sorry you are having to worry about your health.

Be strong and advocate for yourself and get second opinions before you accept a diagnosis of something degenerative or terminal.

I hope you get the best possible news.  Hang in there and resist the Fog.