A malignant narcissist: should I heed their terrifying (to me) threats

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stcroix1979

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Dear forum,

I so appreciate the feedback from members when I posted for the first time, last month, on advice for early days of no contact. Thank you. After 3 weeks of NC, he threatened to rehome my pets (he was out of the house too, and I had paid a neighbor who needed the income to take care of them, and it was great). I came back, the hoovering began, followed by sex ultimatums and rage episodes, and of course, time is a circle. He then went darker than I've experienced: threatened to frame me for financial fraud—and while this is a spurious allegation—he has the tech and financial savvy to make my life a living hell. He said, "If you leave me, we are both going down, and you will rot in jail," among other threats. He's never hit me, but has hit things within proximity many, many times. He has run up my credit cards to my financial ruin, and made an enemy of most within our orbit.

So I left, with five pets, in a small car, and drove 1900 miles to my parents' home to get away from this. The pets were the last potent bargaining chip he had (and they're mine, for the record). I don't care about our home, really. But my question is: For someone this far down the narcissistic spectrum, how much do I heed their threats? I deeply know this may be an unanswerable question, but after four years, he has solidly framed our relationship as his last; that we were destined to be together; and that if I leave, there is no reason why he should not burn down the world around him, including me. Advice appreciated and cherished. Thank you.

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Boat Babe

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Well done for getting out and far away. That is very brave. You are right to take this seriously. Have you reported these threats to the police? Maybe through a domestic violence agency. does he know you have gone to your parents? Is it possible for you to disappear for a while? This will give you the opportunity to rest and heal in peace and then make plans.
It gets better. It has to.

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sad_dog_mommy

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IME I stayed with my BPDexBF far too long because I believed he would follow through on all the threats.  He claimed he would take a hammer to every wall he painted in my house.   That he would attach a chain and pull down the wooden fence in the backyard.   He said he would call my employer all tell the “all about me”.   He said he would report me to the IRS for having an income from an “undocumented tenant” (he was the tenant).  I wasn’t doing anything wrong but I was afraid of what kind of LIES he would tell!    I was so manipulated that I lost my sense of self and I didn’t trust the little voice in my head.   

When I finally got the courage to ask him to move out I braced myself for his wrath and rage.    Do you know what happened?    NOTHING.   He went away quietly like a meek little lamb.     He was more concerned about what I had told my friends and family and their opinion of him.     

I also forewarned my friends, family, neighbors and my employer that he might say bad things about me.   Every single person said they would not believe anything he said about me if he were to reach out to them.   

Stay strong and have faith there will be better things ahead for you.   
Sometimes you don’t realize you’re actually drowning when you are trying to be everyone else’s anchor.   

Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.

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blunk

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My bpdxh also made threats, but did not follow through. It's scary how similar they are.

Mine also wrecked my credit in my 20s, and after I recovered years later, he forged my signature to open new cards.

He was going to send "his" (actually our) dog to rescue, just so that I couldn't have her. I cried, I pleaded, I had a friend poised to adopt her as soon as he took her away, and then finally he relented. Much later I spoke to the woman who runs the rescue he claimed he was going to send her to, and also to the breeder as our contract said that she could not be sent to rescue and had to be returned to the breeder if at any time we could not keep her. News flash...neither had ever spoken to him.

He was also going to tell everyone the "truth" about me, burn down the house with me and the dogs in it, harm himself, smash everything in the house if I didn't open the gun safe for him, and so much more. None of it ever happened. I am certainly not saying that you should ignore the threats, you should definitely take them seriously. Personally, I try to practice more of a, prepare for the worst, and hope for the best mindset.

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stcroix1979

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Re: narcissist ex: should I heed their terrifying (to me) threats
« Reply #4 on: August 02, 2021, 12:41:40 PM »
Thanks for your v helpful response.

@BoatBabe, I did file a report. I am considering a restraining order but know that may mean he has to move out (I am not there now, he has few options on where to go). It is possible I could go someplace confidential, though at the moment things are fine here.

@sad_dog_mommy, I know what that fear feels like. It has been all-consuming, because I just don't know what he will do. It is quite possible he will do nothing. He has threatened people who have wronged him in the past and nothing has happened aside from verbal lashings, of which I've had my fill.

@blunk, yes, it is amazing how similar our experiences are. He has more or less threatened everything you detail here from your own story. I am sorry you went through this and hope you are doing much better. Currently I'm just living a day at a time. 

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pushit

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I can't comment specifically to your situation, but I can chime in with my experience. 

My exPDw never overtly threatened me, but when I filed I was extremely worried about her trying to take the kids away because she had already convinced a lot of people around us that I was an alcoholic, abusive husband.  Which, of course, I was not.  What happened when I filed was she sent a fake restraining order to my family, full of many bizarre stories about how I was stalking her and she was afraid of me.  It ended up making her look bad after my lawyer sent it to hers and asked why my family was receiving such things.  So she tried, but in her dysfunctional approach she made it all about her being the victim and had no evidence to back it up.  It became a non-issue, her lawyer buried it and quickly guided her to a settlement.

Regarding the house, my lawyer advised me to take pictures of the house when I left in case my ex damaged it and accused me.  If you've moved out and aren't going back, that's not really possible right now.  Maybe give some thought as to whether or not you have recent evidence of the house being in good condition.

Long story short from my situation - Like the others above, my exPD was very much all bark and no bite.  One thing to keep in mind is public image is very important to them.  I've found that while I know my exPDw is capable of some really crazy stuff, she tends to reel it in once their are other eyes on the situation.  She could be completely crazy behind closed doors, but then acted like an angel once people were watching.  That said, it wouldn't hurt to give some thought as to how you would handle something like him trying to frame you for fraud, but don't keep yourself up all night worrying about it.  If him trying to frame you would stick his neck out as well, it's doubtful he would do anything like that.

If he's been prone to violence in the past I certainly wouldn't be alone with him again, I think that's the most important thing.  When you get your own place, get an alarm system.  I sleep better at night with mine.  Also video cameras, or at least a Ring doorbell so you can capture evidence if he were to show up unexpectedly.

Good Luck!

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Bunnyme

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Re: narcissist ex: should I heed their terrifying (to me) threats
« Reply #6 on: August 03, 2021, 03:52:14 AM »
I am considering a restraining order but know that may mean he has to move out (I am not there now, he has few options on where to go). 
I'm so sorry it has gotten so bad.
This part of your answer stood out to me.  That someone is threatening you and you may have to take out a restraining order, but the thing holding you back is how it could affect him.

It is not a criticism.  You are a caring person, you dont want to see someone else hurt, you were married...  I totally get it.  I just want to encourage you to focus on your own safety.  Your needs.  If a restraining order is needed, it is based on his actions, a situation he put himself in by threatening you.  Never feel badly for putting your safety first.  Have you talked with an attorney or domestic violence counselor?

Hugs to you.  It takes so much strength to leave.  Getting far away was a good step.  I'm glad that you got the pets out as well. 

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TimetoHeal

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I personally think we can't afford NOT to take them seriously, because we really just don't know what they will do.  Now, that's not to say you have to live in terror or fear every day.  There are lots of steps you can take to protect yourself.  I would talk to a a domestic violence counselor for advice if you think you are in danger.  But I would also keep my guard up and do everything you can to protect yourself.

My exNPDh turned out to be more bark than bite, although he did many passive-aggressive, behind-the-scenes things to try and ruin my reputation and try to turn my friends and family against me.  He never did anything violent.  My exNPD boyfriend, though, is a different matter.  Although he has not done anything (that I know of) yet, I am more fearful of him because he owns a lot of firearms and is into violent movies/porn, etc.  He also made "jokes" about stalking me from the beginning of our relationship!  So, I would tend to take any threats from him much more seriously.

I am re-reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker, and there is a chapter about determining if your ex-partner is likely to be violent.  He says it is hard to be scientific in determining this, because nobody fits a set pattern, but there are warning signs.  I think there is even a list of questions to ask yourself.  I'm sorry I may be getting this book confused with Lundy Bancroft "Why Does He Do That?", another excellent resource.  But the main thing they both say is that your INTUITION or feelings about the situation are the best way to gauge whether or not you are in danger.  If your ex is threatening you, and you feel scared, that is something to pay attention to. 

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stcroix1979

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Thank you all for the responses. My understanding is that NPD ex partner has become quite destructive in recent weeks but reached out to me with concern for my well-being. Feels like the beginning of same cycle. Gut tells me to stay no contact. Not sure what a response would accomplish. Very grateful for all of you on this forum.

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hhaw

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Re: A malignant narcissist: should I heed their terrifying (to me) threats
« Reply #9 on: September 07, 2021, 01:45:33 AM »
S:

I wouldn't respond if I truly wanted out of the relationship.

If I wanted to give my ex partner hope I'd return and resume the relationship..... I'd reach out.

Good luck,
hhaw



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