Still lost in the foc

[Findingme1991]

Hi,

I'm in my 30s and recently discarded from my spouse of 17 years who hasn't been diagnosed but has narcissistic tendencies. He left me for a woman he was seeing on and off for 4 years and I'm just trying to get my head straight again. The longer I'm away the more I can clearly see the emotional abuse and manipulation but sometimes I find myself falling into old patterns. I find myself thinking that maybe I WAS the problem. This is the third time we separated but the first time he found a new supply. The last time we separated I spent a year and a half in CBT and EMDR for PTSD related to my childhood and my therapist believed it was exacerbated by my relationship and the abuse. I was previously on a forum and found it helpful to be able to post and speak with others who have been through similar experiences. I'm at the point now where I'm evaluating myself and I'm seeing that I'm treating him in ways he previously treated me. I'm wondering... is it possible for someone who experienced narcissistic abuse to take on some of the tendencies? I  learned about reactive abuse with my therapist and did identify some behaviors. But now that we've been separated for almost a year and the divorce is almost final I have days where I just feel crazy. Most days I'm ok and in a healthy frame of mind but some days I just catch myself picking fights and antagonizing him like he used to do me. I don't understand it. Im truly happier without him and I don't want to go back but a part of me is so angry. This woman he's with is so disrespectful when it comes to our kids and of course he stirs the pot and im just so frustrated that not only did he do this to me but he's created a whole triangulation and made it impossible for menor my kids to have peace. I know I can't control him but I've tried... preventing her from visiting our jointly owned property, coming to our kids school events etc.. but at this point he's pushed passed that. She comes to all their sporting events, they whisper and laugh and stare and are ugly. She stays at my old house with my kids. The kids say she's nice to them but I don't know anything about her other than she's done this many times before, she has BPD and every time I've tried to talk to her she's so mean and cold. That being said... I JUST want to move on. I want to stop feeling sick every time I go to one of my kids ball games. I want to be able to coparent. At this time he's not done anything bad enough to warrant keeping the kids from him. He's emotional abusive to our two girls but they are teenagers and can choose to go if they'd like. Now that he's discarded me (and actually done this time as opposed to stalking and harassing), I'm having trouble handling it and having some mood swings etc.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome. I'm glad you have reached out for connection and support to this wonderful community of people.

From my side of the screen this all sounds very complicated and layered and like a relationship that has brought you a great deal of pain and angst. I am so sorry for all you have been through and are dealing with.

We have a strong and savvy community at our Separating and Divorcing board where you will find that you are not alone in how you are responding to this latest shift in the relationship as your divorce becomes reality. You will find such good insights in the conversations taking place on the boards.

Learning to understand what my emotions were saying to me and how to work with them compassionately toward myself and others has been a healing part of my own journey. A really helpful resource that may help to you as well if the work of Karla McLaren - The Language of Emotions, website found here: https://karlamclaren.com/emotional-vocabulary-page/

I love what anger asks us... what needs to be protected and what needs to be restored? Another anger truth for me is something my T shared... anger says our boundaries have been violated and our needs have not been met.

I had to learn to lean into my emotions and embrace what they were asking me and also, to not see my feelings as facts. They are valid, important to honor, and then from our core values and good character we make decisions and move forward.

I hope you find your sharing and time here to be of great value. The toolbox above and the resources across the board are so helpful.

I look forward to seeing you out on the boards and supporting you as you heal!