Journey Out of the FOG

[Hilly]

Hi everyone,

I've been reading around on the forum and have found it really useful, so I wanted to ask for some of your valuable wisdom on something I'm struggling with.

A condensed bit of background:

I grew up with an emotionally walled off mother and a UBPD sister who alternated between being emotional abusive and bullying and using me as her emotional crutch. I was several years younger than her but she would tell me the horrifying details of her suicide attempts, eating disorders, drug abuse, and physical abuse at the hands of boyfriends, peppered with threats to kill my pets, relentless put downs that were explained away as 'only jokes' and telling me my parents hated me. I later found out that the abuse she claimed she experienced from boyfriends was actually the other way round - my brother in law witnessed her attacking a boyfriend she later accused of being violent towards her. I have no idea how much truth there was to anything she said or whether it was used to keep me in my place.

This carried on through my childhood, adolescence and young adulthood and she made me promise to not tell anyone, especially not my parents. It was so pernicious because she fits the victim/ martyr BPD profile and I was persuaded to feel very sorry for her and learned to critique my behaviour through her eyes: 'how will she feel if I do x/ what will be the consequence if I refuse her demands'. I'm many ways I was in service to her for almost 20 years.

I've been coming Out of the FOG over the last few years with the help of therapy and have put distance between us and it's been good for my mental health to do that. She is very enmeshed now with my mum & dad, so this has meant putting distance between myself and my parents too. I have a lovely supportive husband who gets it.

Even so I have difficultly trusting my own judgements, constantly having to remind myself that I am in fact doing the right thing in having minimal contact with my family. I'm plagued by thoughts like 'was it really that bad?', I compulsively imagine myself explaining my decision re my family to other people, I second guess myself and my inner critic encourages me to doubt my decisions and over-research everything which has the effect of keeping me stuck. Essentially I'm just not very good at having my own back.

I've been left with what feels like a codependent 'attitude' towards the world. I feel responsible for other people's feelings a lot of the time, I feel guilty for achieving goals incase it upsets people who don't, so I hold myself back in many ways.

I am having therapy for all this, and the difference between me now and me 10 years ago is that I am at aware, whereas before I had no awareness at all.

I know it's always going to be a process, but I guess what I'm asking is, what have people found most helpful on their journey out of codependency into a more healthy attitude towards life. Towards things like being kind to yourself, finding your passion in life. I know on some level I deserve to live a good life but because of my childhood conditioning it's almost like I haven't got to the stage where I can actually 'feel' that way.

Thank you for reading 🙂

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Hi, Hilly.  My heart goes out to you.  Growing up in a family with PD's is rough.  The whole basis for learning how the world and relationships work is way off kilter  And pervasive codependency is learned as a survival skill.  For some of us, it can feel life threateningly dangerous to cross someone.

I'm still in the middle of the healing process.  It's taking me a long time.  I've seen others who change much more quickly.

What I have found helpful is trauma therapy, support groups like CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), and anything that teaches us how to parent and nurture ourselves.  Also healthy friends who are able to set healthy boundaries and respect those of others.  How wonderful you have a supportive husband!

You deserve to heal and be happy and free.  We all do!

[Hilly]

Thanks so much for your response. With some distance I'm starting to see there was a a payoff within my family for being the person that is always relied upon to be 'ok', and for being the go to person for emotional support, and for keeping myself generally quite quiet and inconspicuous and that I've taken that into my wider adult life. I'm trying to remember that I do actually have a choice now, I'm not in that childhood home anymore. I will check out the resources you mention - thank you.

[Cat of the Canals]

I've been left with what feels like a codependent 'attitude' towards the world. I feel responsible for other people's feelings a lot of the time, I feel guilty for achieving goals incase it upsets people who don't, so I hold myself back in many ways.

There are two things that have helped me with this a lot.

The first is coming to terms with the notion that it is OK, and in fact my responsibility as an adult, to put myself and my needs first. I simply can't help someone with their stuff if I haven't dealt with my stuff first. End of story. That means paying a LOT of attention to where I am emotionally when someone asks me for something.

The second is asking myself if I would hold someone else to the unfair codependent-type standards I have held myself to in the past. In other words, what would I think if I put someone else in my shoes? Would I resent a friend for saying no to a request? Would I begrudge someone their hard-earned success? Would I judge someone for pursuing their own goals? The answer is almost always no.