Celebrating Behavioral Victories

[JustKeepTrying]

For the past two weeks, I took my RV over 2500 miles to visit family. I stayed with my brother and had the first of many revelations.  First, I don't like my RV.  Somehow in my head, my OCPDxh is still making decisions.  I thought I bought what I wanted but deep down there was hesitancy.  Still, I went ahead and purchased it (a little out of spite) and thinking it was the right thing to do.  Now two years later and two months from going full time I realized halfway through the drive that yeah, this rig isn't for me.  I then put in place all the skills I have learned here to stop and listen to myself, to challenge all my preconceptions and give myself to think of where they are coming from, etc.  The bottom line, it isn't for me, and yesterday I test drove a small campervan that is perfect for me.  Still challenges but so much better. 

Second revelation.  I like my sister inlaw.  For decades now I always considered her to be very controlling and didn't like her.  But after this week with her, without my ex's opinions, I find that she is not controlling - she is decisive.  she knows what she wants - she is smart and educated - and she is not afraid to voice her opinion.  But she will also listen to your opinion.  Love it!!  But I now realize how much my ex would not like that and I didn't see it before.  All those wasted years of not seeing my brother!  Ugh

The third revelation, I can do this.  I drove that sucker through hell and back.  Literally hell at 98 degrees and 90% humidity.  I made it work in rush hour major city traffic (this is a beast of a rig.). I fueled it, cared for it, cleaned it, and paid for it.  On my own.  Take that naysayers!

Fourth revelation - thanks to all of you - I grey rocked it through the second half of my trip where I moved my daughter.  If you read my other posts you know that my relationship with my daughters is tenuous at best.  They have bought my ex's victim story and well, called me a liar.  But keeping in mind what all of you have counseled and the toolbox, I offered help for her move.  I showed up and even though my anxiety was a 20 on a 10 scale - I pretended through it all.  I chipped in to help - listened to all of her passive-aggressive comments that diminished over the week as I kept my grey rock in place.  In the end, we got it done and she is moved and I got a hug at the end of the trip.  Still tenuous but I realized something big - it doesn't matter.  It's her life.  She can believe what she wants and I don't need to prove it to her.  I know what happened and that is all that matters.

The fifth and final revelation, I went to see a new rig yesterday.  Ran into major issues with a misogynistic chauvinistic older male and ended up calling him a pompous ass in front of his sales manager.  I was infuriated!  Incensed!  Just really angry.  Yes, they gave me someone else and I completed my test drive and I want the vehicle.  After it was over, I got an auto email asking about my experience.  I fired one back detailing the treatment I received - and again keeping in mind all the skills I learned - I carefully unemotionally laid out what happened.  Looking back now here is why I am proud - I stood up for myself like I did when I was younger - I found a bit of my old bra-burning rebel inside and didn't back down as I would have in the past thirty years.  Also, my email was so carefully crafted and well written it would be hard for them to wriggle out of anything but mea culpa. 

I feel like after these past two weeks parts of me are returning.  Parts that I had submerged after decades with my ex.  Parts that I had forgotten.  Behaviors that I used to cope with him are beginning to disappear.  I know there will be slides but now, today, I am celebrating.  If I celebrate with all of you who know what it is like - then it becomes more real and engrained.

I can do this!

[notrightinthehead]

Congratulations! I am so happy for you!

[SonofThunder]

What a great post.  Love it!  Enjoy your new wheels!  A big congrats on the extended grey rock with your daughter.  That is exhausting both mentally having to process with that in mind, and also physically help her move.  Love the "pompous ass" story and that you stood up for yourself.  SUCH an energizing and brave move to speak the truth and it will surely encourage you going forward.  Thanks for sharing the victory!

SoT

[Lauren17]

Way to go! 
I'm happy for you!
Thank you for sharing these experiences. It gives me hope I might find that version of Lauren who stood up for herself like that.

[xredshoesx]

WARRIOR!!!!

[Andeza]

Great work! And I mean that, work. Work you've done on yourself, work for improvement that you've fought for long and hard. And good on you for calling a pompous ass exactly what it is! I love that sass!

RV buddy! This is such a wildly different lifestyle. It's a huge shift. Here's to many wonderful adventures and zero black tank drama.

[Cat of the Canals]

This was such a great post to read, JustKeepTrying! Keep kicking ass!