parents visiting, needed to vent/ reflect.

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lightereveryday

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parents visiting, needed to vent/ reflect.
« on: August 02, 2021, 12:35:56 PM »
I haven't posted on here for a long time. I did NC with parents (NBPMom, enabler dad) for two years, started therapy during that time and had great success in therapy.
I moved back to europe last year during the pandemic to be in my home town and reconnect with my roots, also to escape an Narc ex. Was my only option. I connected with my parents after I landed, Nmom promised to respect my boundaries. It seemed like ting were going better; due to therapy I was less affected by them, began to see them as unformed children.
Then, the parents decided to come visit for the summer, to see me and family thats here. And it began.
My mom immediately got into a fight with my dads family, caused him stress and crated drama and weird vibes in the family unit with aunts and cousins. She also clarified her role as an abuser to those people and oddly, those who were previously flying monkeys would approach me and apologize to me for supporting her in the past and even expressed sympathy for me having her as a mom. Old me would have cried and felt validated. I felt nothing at them admitting what I already knew.
They took a trip for a few days to my dads family house for a small family reunion, I and several others went. She got into a fight with my dads sisters and made a scene. I wish I didn't but, I reacted. She cornered me and wouldn't stop talking to me, negatively complaining about them and whining that she's a victim. I snapped and told her she acts like a child and that if she keeps this up I won't stay in touch with her. I asked her for the millionth time to start therapy.
Fast forward a few weeks to today, she tells me she made up a story about me.
She told my family here that I'm visiting a cousin in the city, instead of the truth that I'm renting a flat. She did this because she was embarrassed to admit I wasn't staying with them in their tiny out of range apartment.
We argued back and forth over messenger and it basically ended with her telling me thatI need to work on myself more (an odd projection of the times I asked her to get therapy), that I haven't grown up at all (because I need to conform to her) and that.. get this, she's better then me, because she birthed me. That's it. Full stop.
She doesn't care that I'm working on myself or that i'm getting healthier, she desire me to change - into her- or to conform to her, adapt to who she is so she can get her way. That's what she sees change as. Im still the same just means "i'm still rebelling, rejecting, and not doing what she wants". 
I blocked her on messenger and don't want to see them further while they're here. I'm sitting here now, drained, unable to work, to think, and just thinking about how much i can't wait for her to pass from this life so that I don't have to think about her, and so my dad can be free.
I know this sin't supposed to be used just for venting, but I'm stuck in this damn feeling again, and therapy isn't for another 4 days. I'd love some perspective form the community on this because my mind just sin't moving forward. Thanks for listening.

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EtherOrchid

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Re: parents visiting, needed to vent/ reflect.
« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2021, 12:53:11 PM »
"she's better then me, because she birthed me."

This is exactly how my mother thinks. Along with the insistence that I am always the one in need of therapy. Any hints of independence are immediately categorized as mental illness.  I'm crazy for wanting to do anything with my life other than blindly obey her. This is Narc Mom Logic and it will never ever change.  When they apologize it's only to get everything back to status quo. 

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lightereveryday

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Re: parents visiting, needed to vent/ reflect.
« Reply #2 on: August 02, 2021, 12:59:53 PM »
'yeah. I knew it would come to this. Funny part is .. I am in therapy and have been for almost two years. She will never get help. I'm trying to rationalize these statements but I know deep down inside she's just projecting and reflecting things I say to her, in a mean way, back at me to exert dominance. I'm just sad because I thought I was over this, and here I am again, in the damn fog.

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Sidney37

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Re: parents visiting, needed to vent/ reflect.
« Reply #3 on: August 02, 2021, 01:03:56 PM »
Lighter
I am so sorry you had to go through all of that.  It sounds like she hasn't changed as much as you hoped that she might.

I'm NC now, but I, too, would get so mad at myself after reacting to her.  Some here have reassured me that it's ok and totally natural to have reacted.  We can only take so much, which is why we have boundaries.  It sounds like you knew what to do and immediately took care of that and reinstated the boundaries to keep you safe. 

My therapist and I talk a lot about an "exit plan".  I have to have an exit plan when I am in those situations with PD relatives.  I also know that I have to exit well before I react.  So if on a scale of 1-10 I react at a level 7, I get out of the situation at about a level 3 or 4.  I'm not sure if that will help you for the future, but it's helped me when at family events where the PDs are acting like PDs.

I've vented here over the years.  I can be therapeutic just to type out what has happened.  It's OK.  We all understand. 

The one thing that caught my eye about your post was the hope that eventually your enD can be free of her, too.  That was my dream and hope for so long.  I know my PDm verbally abuses and controls him, too.  But after these years of NC and therapy I am beginning to realize that if he wanted out, he'd just get out.  In the end, my enD ended up having some PD traits himself once I had enough distance to see it.  I know that all of our situations are different.  All of the enablers are different.  I just don't want you to get your hopes up, like I did, that enD will be what you want and need him to be after your PDm is no longer in the picture. 

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Andeza

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Re: parents visiting, needed to vent/ reflect.
« Reply #4 on: August 02, 2021, 01:15:53 PM »
Sidney has made an excellent point. The enabler in the relationship does have the option to leave. For whatever reason, they have chosen to stay, and many of them are not setting boundaries and improving themselves, but just being eternal victims. There have been cases of folks on the board, where the blatantly disordered parent passed away only to pull back the curtain on the disfunction of the other parent. It's unfortunate, but it is a part of our reality.

Lighter, you are right. She most likely wants you to be her "mini-me" for all eternity so that you exist as nothing more than an extension of herself. A permanent "yes man" if you will. That's what mine wanted. She didn't want me to be an individual in any sense, and she certainly didn't want me to have success in life where she had not. I'm adopted, so never got the "I gave birth to you!" line, but instead got the "I waited years for you!" line more than once with the intention of causing guilt.

You don't have to see them again. You can leave them blocked, dust off the detritus of yet another narc explosion, and get back to the life you've built for yourself. Sounds much more peaceful and healthy. They're adults, they'll figure out a way to spend their vacation without you. As for reacting? We are none of us Job here. We're human. We have limits. People cross those limits at times, and at times a response is completely justified, even if it doesn't change anything. :bighug: Take care of yourself.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

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lightereveryday

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Re: parents visiting, needed to vent/ reflect.
« Reply #5 on: August 02, 2021, 01:25:13 PM »
In the end, my enD ended up having some PD traits himself once I had enough distance to see it.  I know that all of our situations are different.


wowww wow wow! Okay...
It's wild you should say that, because after the NC i started to realize this! I ached for my dad's freedom for years! I mourned the man who he used to be when I was little! I modelled parts of my personality after this image i had in my head about him.
but you know what's funny? When I started therapy, I had flashbacks and memories of things he did. As a small example, I remembered he told me once when I was very young that, we can't hang out too much because mom will get jealous.
How toxic, how insecure!
You're absolutely right. He could have left at any point.

The other day my therapist suggested that I date narcs so that I can abandon my mom over and over again. Dating awful people means there is no danger of long term commitment, and leaving them is the rational and self love thing to do, right?
I am also playing out a revenge fantasy starring my dad- me being the idealized version of him (in my head), the one who wins. I am replaying my dads win over and over again in my head. I keep winning against my mom. I keep leaving her house and her rules.
Well F**k.

You don't have to see them again. You can leave them blocked, dust off the detritus of yet another narc explosion, and get back to the life you've built for yourself.

 :yeahthat:

Thanks for the check Andeza. You're right. I clearly need to create some more distance here.

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Cat of the Canals

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Re: parents visiting, needed to vent/ reflect.
« Reply #6 on: August 02, 2021, 08:03:49 PM »
I'm so sorry, lightereverday. I think the push and pull of these relationships with our parents is one of the things that makes it so hard. Because they almost all have those periods of time where they are on good behavior... so good that you start to wonder if they've changed or if you were overreacting. And then the rug is inevitably pulled out from under you when they do something awful, and we're left thinking, "How did I get back here again?"

My therapist and I talk a lot about an "exit plan".  I have to have an exit plan when I am in those situations with PD relatives.  I also know that I have to exit well before I react.  So if on a scale of 1-10 I react at a level 7, I get out of the situation at about a level 3 or 4.  I'm not sure if that will help you for the future, but it's helped me when at family events where the PDs are acting like PDs.

Thank you for posting this. My PDmil is visiting next month, and I think this will help me immensely!

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Leonor

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Re: parents visiting, needed to vent/ reflect.
« Reply #7 on: August 03, 2021, 04:54:24 AM »
One of the things that irritate me most in my PD families is the "see the light" apology moment.

Like, "Oh, we thought you were crazy and a liar when you told us about *your* childhood pain, but now that we've been inconvenienced, we're all in this together!"

For me, it's the flying monkey simply trying to figure out where to roost.

The en parent has his/her own variation. "Your mom/dad is so mean to us (read, "me"), how do we (read, "you") help him/her (read, "make him/her be nicer to me)?"

Next time you're in a park or on the street or pass a school, observe how sweet and adorable and small the little children are. Then observe how tall and authoritative and mature the adults around them are.

These are the people who "didn't know" or "wondered sometimes" when you were a sweet, adorable little child what your mom was like. These are the men who were "concerned" about their wife's treatment of their children.

 :stars:

I'm sorry you're going through this.

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Starboard Song

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Re: parents visiting, needed to vent/ reflect.
« Reply #8 on: August 03, 2021, 10:14:52 AM »
One of the things that drove me most mad for the longest was this: I get how one person (my MIL) could be so strange and unforgiving and irrational. But how could it possibly be that FIL was lost too? Wasn't he exasperated by her? Why didn't he call and say "look, you gotta help me out here"?

I finally realized that he has grown comfortable in a world where you entertain her at all costs. And he really thought that was normal. The last time I spoke to him, he actually told me that he'd become really good at cajoling her, and that was how he'd manage to keep the marriage together. And then he made one last pitch, asking me to please write another apology to her for imagined grievances.

The enmeshment is a deeply sad state. And it makes the enmeshed enabler as dangerous to our peace as a PD person. It is terribly sad, and agrifying. But there it is.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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moglow

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Re: parents visiting, needed to vent/ reflect.
« Reply #9 on: August 03, 2021, 01:20:58 PM »
Quote
Fast forward a few weeks to today, she tells me she made up a story about me.
She told my family here that I'm visiting a cousin in the city, instead of the truth that I'm renting a flat. She did this because she was embarrassed to admit I wasn't staying with them...

A. And yet she refers to YOU as "need to work on [yourself] more..., that I haven't grown up at all (because I need to conform to her) and that.. get this, she's better then me, because she birthed me" Sorry pot kettle mom! This IS you working on yourself, establishing and maintaining your own boundaries. End of.

[It reminds me of the time my mother called us last minute and lied about why she wasn't coming to Christmas dinner - she twisted it all around after the fact that we'd done something to her. No. She had a meltdown without seeing or speaking with any of us that day, then concocted an acceptable lie to cover herself. When confronted with the facts she dug down deeper. Okay. But you LIED.]

B. Your mother LIED to family members about where you - an adult - chose to stay. Because that's some more of anyone's business?? I just about guarantee they know exactly why you're not staying there, and guess what? They're prob choosing to stay out of something that doesn't concern them.

What she thinks or how she feels aren't your stuff. At all. She doesn't have to agree with it. One day maybe she'll figure that out but even if not, it's STILL not your stuff!
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!