finally coming Out of the FOG, but it's lonely out here

[wesorya]

Hi there
I left my marriage to my UD NPD ex-husband over 18 months ago, I have sole custody of 3 children (5, 12, 14) and have realised since leaving my husband, the full extent of my family's dysfunction and awful behaviour and scapegoating of me. My family, my UD NPD mother particularly, have sided with my ex-husband, even after he broke into my home while the children and I were sleeping, resulting in the police placing a restraining order on him.
I have had a great counsellor for the past 12 months, and have made some great progress. I have let go of the relationships with my family, have built connection with my children that I have never previously had, and that I never ever knew during my own childhood.
My enabler father has Parkinsons, and has made siginificant efforts to maintain/rebuild a relationship with me, but this of course is bringing up all the issues with other family members again, as they see my relationship with him as a claim to deposit themselves back into my life, and it has meant repeated and uncomfortable boundary-setting because of their assumptions, and leads me to continually question my actions and start to fall back into the fog..... They have treated me like a doormat for so long that even grey rock means they assume that all their abuse is forgiven and all boundaries I had set are forgotten and I have to start over. It's so tiring.
I have so little time and energy to get clarity on any of this, it is easier to just keep them out of my life with excuses and back up plans. I feel like they are just trying to wear me down. Any tips or advice gratefully appreciated. I have them all blocked except my Dad, as he has accepted that I will not discuss Mum's stories with him.

[bloomie]

Well hello and welcome. I am thankful you have found us and have made such decisive strides toward a new beginning and healthy connection with your children and father. That takes a great deal of strength and courage.

It is a deep betrayal for your mother and other family members to have sided with your ex, who has proven himself to be harmful to you and your precious kiddos. I am so sorry!

You are doing so much already to support your journey forward with therapy and shutting down the entry points from people who drain you dry and have not supported you. Those are good steps and great self care.

I can closely relate to family members' assumptions that any contact with any family member, or any even very neutral interaction, is the welcome mat for ALL family members and a return to the status quo of me being the handmaiden to one and all. Ummm... nope!

I didn't grow up learning healthy ways to establish and live out my limits and boundaries and have had to learn from scratch as an adult. There was so much false guilt and angst for me that it was exhausting until I really began to challenge and retrain how I think and about myself and others. I needed the help of a therapist as well to work through much of that.

Another resource, and there are many good ones in our other online resource board - but one that is especially helpful to me is a podcast called: Beyond Bitchy, Mastering the Art of Boundaries - https://beyondbitchy.com

The talking boundary info in podcast 132,133,134 is especially helpful to me, but they all reinforce the dawning awareness we have when we begin to truly come out of the Fear, Obligation, and Guilt we are acting from in our relationships.

There are other wonderful resources at the toolbox at the drop down tab above and throughout the forum.

I hope you find your time here a respite and place of acceptance and help. You are not alone in figuring this all out and we welcome your participation!

[Boat Babe]

Welcome to the forum Wesrayo. Here you will find people who totally get you and will support you with wisdom and compassion as you heal and rebuild your life. You are not alone. Many of us here have had childhoods marred by the PD adults in our family and have gone on to be victimized by romantic partners with Pads. It sucks, as you know.

A few tips, in addition to Bloomie's excellent advice above. Get all the support you can, especially with the kids. Really focus on your health, both mental and physical. And lastly, be very, very kind to yourself. Imagine a dear friend who has experienced the same as you. What would you say to her to comfort her, to help her with her decisions, to encourage her? Turn that experience and compassion on yourself. Be your own best friend. In practice, this looks like a proactively healthy lifestyle with meaningful connections with good people. Tricky as a single parent, but also essential, if only for the kids who need a healthy mum.

You will reach a point in your life when you look back and see just how far you have come, what you have overcome and you will smile gently to yourself. Sending hugs.

[Starboard Song]

I have so little time and energy to get clarity on any of this, it is easier to just keep them out of my life with excuses and back up plans. I feel like they are just trying to wear me down. Any tips or advice gratefully appreciated.

I just want to observe what an excellent job you are doing in a terrible circumstance. What you are doing is actually hard. It is OK to feel like it is. You have clearly learned a lot of tactics: boundaries, medium chill, gray rock, and so on. And you clearly have achieved a degree of peace by strongly executing on those. If someone hasn't told you that you are champion for yourself and for your kids, I am letting you know.

I am a huge fan of boundaries and MC. When we set good boundaries and do them, and when we don't wade into turbulent waters, we avoid so much conflict. It works wonders outside of deeply dysfunctional settings. But you are in a deeply dysfunctional setting. It is entirely possible that you are going to be rolling downhill for a while, amending those boundaries, until at the end they become unworkable. When another party is too destructive of them, it can just not work out. And No Contact is an ok escape valve in such circumstances.

I truly hope for you a better outcome, but I just want to offer right up front that when boundaries cannot be administered, you always have a right to take care of yourself. I do hope you can manage something better, but I am tremendously impressed with your self-awareness. You deserve more peace and love, and less of this noise and heat.

Welcome!

[wesorya]

Thank you so much for your replies and welcome, it really means so much to be seen and heard <3 I will come back as I'm a bit overwhelmed with all the feels right now(plus it's late and we've just had another snap lockdown announced), but wanted to let you know how lovely it is to know that there are people out there who understand 

[wesorya]

Bloomie: thank you. Yes, such a betrayal. It's been 4 months now since my mother told me that she believes we haven't had a relationship for the past 25 years (since I was 14), and we have had no contact. It was peaceful and a relief when she first sent that text, but waves of sadness still wash over me.
I love the Beyond Bitchy podcast, it was one of the things that really set me on my path to starting to step out the fog and heal. I have just started re-listening to some of the episodes, including the talking and listening boundaries (so good for those of us who were not exposed to any of that!). I think what I'm really struggling with is trust. I've gotten very good at the boundaries and protection part - but a bit too far on the protective side, or perhaps not, but just still not able to reach out and trust. It seems I've made my strengthened barbed wire boundaries to keep my hurtful family out, but reaching out to anyone is still so dangerous in my subconscious, the kids and I are so insular.

BoatBabe: Thank you for that lovely advice, I definitely need to practice that kindness to myself. It's getting easier, especially when I see the effects in the kids so quickly when I'm kinder to myself, and then have more patience and kindness for them. The support issue I find very difficult. I don't know where to even start. I really have basically none. I hope that as I keep working on trusting myself and being kind to myself, that I will start to see a way forward here, as it's really taking a toll.

Starboard Song: Thanks so much for your kind words. No I haven't been told that - but it certainly is more peaceful and loving without all the angst and torment.