How to handle Enabler Sis

[thduda]

I just recently started posting on here again. This site was tremendously helpful for me a few years back.  I had a final straw moment, at age 51,with FOO at my grandmother's funeral where NPD father and Golden child NPD sister were in full blown scapegoat mode. NC for 4-5 years as I slowly recovered from major depressive episode. I just went silent and refused to return phone calls from siblings and stopped sending greeting cards to father. No one in family has ever discussed the dysfunction, nor have I ever explained to anyone why I went NC.

Have great chosen family-healthy marriage of 26 years, good relationship with daughter, good therapist and other healthy support system. Recovered completely from the depression.

Last year mom passed away due to Covid (mom was not NPD just severely mentally ill and out of it). Two sisters started texting and I joined in on the group text. Enabler sibling who just has fleas reached out for a phone call. I got intense anxiety about the call – started also having fantasys about a reunion and happily ever after scenario.  Ended up gulping down a few drinks and calling and being too vulnerable..I set a boundary though of not discussing NPD dad. I honestly don't remember everything we discussed between the intense anxiety and drinks, but I was way, way too vulnerable. Said 'love you' at end of conversation and we never said that to each other. Went into a shame spiral that persisted for a while. In the mean-time sister set up a three-way call with other sister for a few weeks later.  I stayed stone cold sober and grey rocked that call.  Neither sibling followed up or called me for an entire year. Then recently I get a group text with a ton of relatives on it that my father has been diagnosed with a brain tumor. I don't reply to group text.

On my birthday a couple weeks later, I get a happy birthday text from both siblings to which I respond with smiley face.

Then I get voicemail from enabler sister that she is going to be in my area in October and wants to see me. We all live in different states.

My first reaction is intense anxiety, quickly followed by fantasy of happily ever after, quickly followed by realistic doubt about whether there is anything healthy there..

My big question is why no phone call for a year after we had reconnected?

Are my hopes of family reconnection going to clash with my core wound of abandonment again?

How do I handle my hopes without damaging myself again...

I texted her that I am going to call her next week..to give me time to process this-not sure how to handle phone call other than NOT TO DRINK BEFOREHAND...and grey rock it.

This is only the third time I have talked to ANY FOO or extended family in 5 years. The damage these people have done to me is tremendous, but the enabler sister is safest and may be open to acknowledging situation...and with my father's brain tumor and possible death in near future no parents would be in the picture to complicate matters..

Thanks for any input

[thduda]

I think I answered my own question. Just typing this out helped me to focus. Of course grey rock it and have absolutely 0 expectations. My issue the last time was I had expectations...

I believe I have healed enough to handle a grey rock conversation but I may so no to the visit in October.

I am also curious about how may Dad is doing...

[bloomie]

I think I answered my own question. Just typing this out helped me to focus. Of course grey rock it and have absolutely 0 expectations. My issue the last time was I had expectations...

I believe I have healed enough to handle a grey rock conversation but I may so no to the visit in October.

I am also curious about how may Dad is doing...

Wow! That is a great plan going forward. You are empowered to do what is best and right for you!

[nanotech]

Hmmm.
That intense flurry of contact, followed by nothing for months or a year, reminds me of how my family operate. Black and white/ all or nothing.
My NPDdad is ill too, possibly very ill, and I know how he and my siblings get, and I know a flurry is coming.
Been there when mum was ill. Everything imploded. I got scapegoated.
I've been NC/LC with siblings and dad since. It took them a while to notice. They were so happy with the silence, believing they'd instigated it, but then suddenly I wasn't responding when they wanted me to. They tried flying monkeys( my niece). They still try that. It fails. I just grey rock it and use the broken record technique.
Yes, best to have no expectations. Enablers can be flying monkeys.
I've just written a post about my dad and lost it, but in the process some answers came up for me as well. This journaling is a good friend. Take care, and you are doing brilliantly.

[thduda]

Ah, Thank you so much Bloomie and Nanotech! I do find just the process of putting my thoughts to paper helps so much. I also know that there are so many people who have been through the same thing as me on here, and it warms my heart! such a great site and a great resource for people who are struggling with these dynamics!

[JenniferSmith]

I can very much relate to all the intense anxiety you were feeling when you suddenly had contact with an estranged sibling.  In my case it was the decline and then death of a parent that brought a long-estranged sibling back into my life. This sibling has intense anger toward me and I was completely undone by the anxiety the contact triggered.  In my case, the sibling was only communicating with me to comply with demands of our parent - they don't actually want a relationship with me.

But, like you, I was feeling hopeful. I thought after so many years that this sibling would have finally gotten over their anger toward me. I thought it might be a time for a new beginning and to reconnect. I am over the past, and I would be open to that. But I soon discovered that my sibling is just as hateful as they were when we last spoke years ago. It was crushing. 

So, yes, I completely understand why you felt so triggered by your sister, and glad that you have sorted it out for yourself and found a way to come to terms with it.

[thduda]

thanks jennifersmith.

I am sorry you had a disappointing experience with your sibling.  Yes, any contact with siblings is triggering. It's going to take a lot of emotional energy just to deal with this one phone call.

I am doing it for my sake though-  I do feel better having some very, very limited contact with FOO rather than none at all.

[thduda]

So proud of myself. Had good conversation with enabler sis and I think that maybe there is an avenue forward with her. I did feel twinges of pain when she talked about the annual foo ski trip that  I have been excluded from since age 18. (doesn't she know how painful it is to hear about these ski trips?)
But I set boundaries and changed topics when things felt too much for me (like discussing my dad's brain tumor) (can't she see how much this man has taken from me?)
I am proud of grey rocking it somewhat but still catching up whats happening with my nieces and nephews.