complications leaving partner

[spunout21]

Hello all!  First time reaching out on a forum after finding astounding unexpected clarity within this website.
I am in sticky process of leaving partner of 22 years and the biggest sticking point (emotional turmoil and crazymaking) is that he 'doesn't agree' with the separation and therefore will not accept it is happening.  Since I found the clarity and courage within me to bring my needs to the table and to take action toward a separation - back in March - he has given himself a personality overhaul and is on a bent for radical self-transformation.
He is only focussed on fixing and insists I still love him - he will not accept anything other.

I've learned to unhook from unworkable circular conversations about this - they continue to be pointless and exhausting.  Yet, I'm reaching toward this community for any guidance you may offer around how can I respond in line with my values (kindness, respect, integrity) when he continuously says "I love you" and all other kinds of love expressions (hugs at every turn).  Its killing me to say nothing in return, yet I've learned that  if I say words like "I care.  There is love and its now only plutonic kind.  You are dear to me" , this only feeds into his false hope and he impresses on me that this is all he needs to know we can rebuild.  We are both separated under one roof with teenage kids - since we do not have financial resources to find alternate accommodation.    It feels unbearable - like being killed with kindness that I dont trust or want.
I'm becoming cold, mean and brutal it seems by having to continuously state my position, needs and the reality that I no longer love him as a partner.   Any ideas of ways to skilfully and calmly respond to love messaging without being a wall would be so valuable to me!!!
Sorry for this very long post  - just need to give some context.....Thanks so much for reading this. 

[square]

"I appreciate that, but it doesn't change the situation."

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found an informative and supportive site.  It sounds like you are pretty clear about what you want and how to get there. Have you checked out the TOOLBOX tab?  You might find some strategies there that are useful for your situation.  Medium chill has been very helpful in my home situation.
As for your question - how to respond to unwanted expressions of love - I have found something along the lines "that is very kind of you to say so", "nice that you feel that way" , " thank you"  -  where I just validate what the other has said without any statement of my own, the kindest way to respond. It is also helpful to have an agreement with yourself what kind of communication you allow yourself to be a part of,  for example you could make an agreement with yourself along the lines  "I will not allow myself to beinf forced into making a decision when I feel I am not ready. I will say that I need time to think about that  and now no longer will discuss the issue." Then you stick to your agreement with yourself and remove yourself from the discussion.

It seems that you have said what you had to say more than once. Now it is time to behave accordingly and medium chill your way to wherever you want to be.  Let us know your progress!  The separating/divorcing board or the chosen relationships might be the right board for you.
 

[spunout21]

Thank you both for your responses and taking the time to provide some advice and guidance.  Much appreciated!    I think I have kind of learned to do medium chill by default over time - as I try to unhook from the relationship  yet it feels so awful to be cold and detached.  At the same time, it seems necessary - since any indication of care or interest from me, is read by him as a sign that I am rethinking my decision.
I have stated that I'd prefer he tell me "I love you" less - and stated "I don't know what to say to you when you tell me that, I can't reciprocate"'
Anytime I set a boundary around personal space, touch, loving talk, planning for future talk etc - he says he gets it, then ramps up the behaviour more than ever.   So, thank you.   I need to now consider how will I follow through when my boundaries are overstepped and to state what I will do too, so he knows, and so I keep true to myself.   I will have a look at suggested boards re. separation.   
Thanks again!!