I don't know what to do

Started by MuskyManatee101, August 07, 2021, 01:30:30 AM

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MuskyManatee101

Soo i'm at my wits end and Feel like i'm losing my mind a bit.

My family is pretty fucked up, my mother is an abusive narcissistic gold digger, who does an amazing job of putting a fake persona in any situation outside of her closed does of her home. She verbally abused my weak, vulnerable father, and my brother and I our whole lives. It took me a while to become educated on these type of people and realise its not normal for someone to be unprovokedly rude to you ALL THE TIME. I've finally realised enough about her to give me the strength to cut her out of my life. It's really more peaceful now that contact with her is miniscule to non existent.

I made this post because I'm torn and don't know what to do in regards to my brother. I feel like he may be on the autism spectrum as he has terrible social skills (cant articulate thoughts at all, is quiet all the time) and an agoraphobic approach regarding anything he has to do involving normal people things (groceries, dmv, etc.)  This has caused me to feel bad for his inability to succeed in society in many aspects. Where it gets tricky for me is that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.. He is a narc just like my mother and truly gets a kick out of creating conflict with me or anyone  online (twitch,instagram, etc) on a daily basis, (he is my roomate and every day there is an argument over something that he overreacts about,( today I told him we were gonna be late if we didn't leave in 5 minutes for something, and he went off saying "fuck you cunt" ,etc.)

I basically take care of the kid and have gotten him jobs, do all of the grocery shopping, save him from many social situations, handle all the bills, the list really never ends.  I know my kindness is being taken advantage of and there is 0 respect or appreciation, its just expected.  What is keeping me locked in this vicious cycle is the thought of sadness I get when I leave forever, and see him in 10 years  as a complete fuck up. The thought that I abandon him I believe would haunt me too much and is kind of keeping me locked in.

Am I too caring of a person and should just do the tough thing of walking away or should I not give up on my brother who was born into the same messed up family as me?

bloomie

Hi there and welcome to Out of the FOG. That is a whole lot on your plate that you are trying to figure out. I am so sorry for the broken relationship with your mom and the stress and strain you are experiencing in the interactions with your brother. Very hard stuff!

I want to point you toward some resources first... the toolbox and traits information at the drop down menus above are VERY good jumping in places as it seems you are wanting to build a toolset for yourself that frees you from the choices of family members that are hurting you. Not to mention, draining you dry.

Your brother... you say he is a kid, so his age is relevant, but in general the very best thing you can do for your brother... what love really looks like is to treat him with whatever appropriate levels of responsibility are for his age and let him clean up his own messes and take responsibility for his choices - including his crass and offensive language toward you. So not okay. :no:

Learning about how to live out our boundaries -  which establish value around ourselves and our resources, understanding enmeshment and taking the steps to break free from not being okay if your brother is not okay, establishing the basic truth as foundation in your thinking that what your brother makes of himself is 100% on him. Period. The. End.

You cannot change, control, or cure whatever is going on with your brother. Read through the 51% rule and the The C's rule in the glossary to help fortify your work to detach with love from the drama and self sabotaging behaviors of your brother.

As your brother continues to see you grow and gain good health and distance your self from scary and unsafe people, breaking free and living a full and lovely life it is just as possible he will want the same things in his life. No guarantees, but a possibility. It is sometimes hard to tell if someone like your brother has a PD or something we call fleas around here. You can read more about that in the glossary as well. Very eye opening.



For human flourishing it is important for us all to do as much as we can for ourselves for as long as we can. From one end of the life cycle to the other.

Keep coming back and sharing. The site is filled with amazing conversations, resources, support! We are glad you are here.
The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

MuskyManatee101

Thank you for the in-depth response, I said hes like a kid but hes actually older than me  :flat:

I really appreciate the info, definitely has given me some things to think about.