Currently not welcome at my parents house

  • 16 Replies
  • 604 Views
*

cheerfulgiverlove

  • New Member
  • *
  • 16
Currently not welcome at my parents house
« on: August 07, 2021, 12:54:40 PM »
Over the last few years, I've been gradually establishing boundaries and going low contact with my parents (narc and co-dependent) to try to have somewhat of a good relationship with them. We fell into a routine of me visiting every weekend (my narc parent chooses to be isolated and will not come to my place, go to restaurants etc) and about a month ago my NParent used my Co-dependent parent to give me the message that I wasn't welcome over for an indeterminate time, under the guise that they need to work on themselves and have a movie night. Then I was told by my CD parent that it was because of something I said that upset the Narc parent the last time I visited them, and that the Narc parent feels that I stress them out and they are dealing with an illness so they are choosing to focus on healing and that is the reason I can't come over.  As weeks went on, that reason changed to just our whole relationship in general and how they believe I hate my Nparent and hold resentment from an event that was actually the catalyst to me becoming aware of my toxic family. My CD parent has been pleading with me to do anything I can during this time to show Nparent that I love them, and if I don't then I am "truly giving up". This same pattern happened last year, but the Nparent directly told me I was banned until further notice, that I cause them stress, and that they are sick and need to focus on themselves to heal. I could tell that they took sick joy in the power of telling me I was "banned".  I was still in a place where I felt guilty, scared, so I called them and made the effort to show them that I was worthy to come over again.  This year is different.  If they need space, then I respect that.  If this is manipulation or punishment, I will not comply to the pattern just to "make it stop".  I also do not feel safe calling them, I feel like it will be an explosion. But I am feeling sad and if I stop and go deeper, rejected.  Has anyone dealt with something similar?  Is this the silent treatment or am I being discarded?  Thank you.

*

Starboard Song

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 3555
  • Be good. Be strong.
Re: Currently not welcome at my parents house
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2021, 01:54:08 PM »
I have dealt with this exactly.

  • My uBPD MIL got upset with us over a true dispute.
  • My enFIL announced they no longer wanted to interact with us
  • MIL told us this was permanent
  • FIL began begging us to do or say anything to make her get over it

I've repeatedly characterized this on this forum as us being the recipients of one silent treat too many. I do not believe you are being discarded, but we can only guess. More likely, the intent is to induce a behavior in you: you are expected to apologize, bow down, promise to do better and to sin no more, I suspect.

We had extenuating circumstances to do with a third party and elder care which prevented us from playing this game yet again. So after 6 months we declared NC, and that had been some 6 years ago. We've not communicated to them since early in 2018.

You have options on how to play this out. I think MC and LC are better than NC when they are achievable in a way that works for you. But as our case shows, it doesn't always work out that way. Welcome to OOTF. I'll let other folks chime in, but I am glad you found us. I am not the only one here with a story like yours. And there are many paths forward.

Be good. Be strong.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

*

Spring Butterfly

  • Spring Butterfly
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 17183
  • You can be free and heal ❤️‍🩹
    • One Key to Better Boundaries
Re: Currently not welcome at my parents house
« Reply #2 on: August 07, 2021, 02:26:48 PM »
Yes I hear nothing unless I initiate contact not only with them but with one of my siblings because I refuse to be manipulated, comply and kowtow.

Basically I have failed to meet expectations I know nothing about and certainly never agreed to but I have failed to meet their expectations.

None of them ever flat out said I'm not welcome but when I started to simply take care of my own needs it was beyond their ability to cope. I was raised and groomed to be the codependent caregiver of parents and siblings. How dare I have needs and medical appointments that interfered with my running errands. They drive, both parents are living so have each other. They don't need me at all. They view my having needs as total rejection and were hurt and insulted I had no time to meet them for lunch in between everything.

When I do reach out just to say hello and thinking of you I ask no questions including how are you. If I do I'm baited as in "oh we've been doing what we can given our limitations"  :unsure: "what limitations? what happened?" to which I'm told they do not want to talk about it. oooookee dokie so I just don't ask anymore

When I asked sibling what's the matter, are you mad at me, why don't we talk every week like we have all our life, I get gaslighted as in "whatever do you mean? nothing has changed" Um yes, yes it has and that went back and forth via text with refusal to talk on the phone. Okay sure nothing has changed, we're good. So again I just reach out every few months to say hello.

I only reach out honestly out of guilt and obligation. Self imposed thinking that doing that somehow soothes me to think I'm a "good" daughter or sibling. Contact is less and less only when I initiate.

In all honesty given the choice between total compliance and living a life of codependent caregiving, pouring out well beyond humanly reasonable and being rejected I've determined that being rejected so I can live my own life is the better of the two. For them there is no in between so those are my only two choices. I'll take it.
« Last Edit: August 07, 2021, 02:29:11 PM by Spring Butterfly »
∑ Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
∑ Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
∑ It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth blog

*

Cat of the Canals

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 697
Re: Currently not welcome at my parents house
« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2021, 02:47:19 PM »
This year is different.  If they need space, then I respect that.  If this is manipulation or punishment, I will not comply to the pattern just to "make it stop".  I also do not feel safe calling them, I feel like it will be an explosion. But I am feeling sad and if I stop and go deeper, rejected. 

I think you're making the right choice in respecting their "wishes" (whether they are genuine or not). I also think it's normal to feel sad and rejected, but I suspect those feelings are coming from the relationship as a whole versus this particular round of the silent treatment/rejection game they are playing. It's yet another wave of realization that they aren't capable of giving you the love and acceptance that parents should give their children. That they can't ever really be there for you. That even the smallest perceived slight means they will always retreat back into their game of, "Come grovel and beg to make me feel important." It's a really hard thing to come to terms with, especially once you go through a few rounds and realize there is very little chance things will ever be different.

In the meantime, I would suggest focusing on you and take very good care of yourself.

*

cheerfulgiverlove

  • New Member
  • *
  • 16
Re: Currently not welcome at my parents house
« Reply #4 on: August 07, 2021, 07:39:23 PM »
More likely, the intent is to induce a behavior in you: you are expected to apologize, bow down, promise to do better and to sin no more, I suspect.

Thanks for your response and kind words, Starboard Song. 

Yeah I agree that this is being done to get something from me -- to grovel for a perceived slight and yet again take the blame for my nparent's inability to handle their emotions.  My CD parent says if only I would do this or that, Nparent wouldn't be so angry.  Which I know in healthy dynamics this is not true (I've finally learned I'm not responsible for anyone's behavior but my own) but it's so hard to hear from grown adults that they truly believe I'm at fault for their misery.

*

cheerfulgiverlove

  • New Member
  • *
  • 16
Re: Currently not welcome at my parents house
« Reply #5 on: August 07, 2021, 07:47:18 PM »
In all honesty given the choice between total compliance and living a life of codependent caregiving, pouring out well beyond humanly reasonable and being rejected I've determined that being rejected so I can live my own life is the better of the two. For them there is no in between so those are my only two choices. I'll take it.

Thanks for sharing, Spring Butterfly.

Wow, I can completely relate to my needs being perceived as total rejection and hurt on their end.  There's no space for you. When you start to make space, even the tiniest bit, it completely disrupts their world and it's your fault. The choice you mention about total compliance vs rejection is exactly what I've been handed, and I agree that being rejected is the better choice. Being rejected while standing as a complete loving self in charge of my own life is freedom.

*

cheerfulgiverlove

  • New Member
  • *
  • 16
Re: Currently not welcome at my parents house
« Reply #6 on: August 07, 2021, 07:55:33 PM »
This year is different.  If they need space, then I respect that.  If this is manipulation or punishment, I will not comply to the pattern just to "make it stop".  I also do not feel safe calling them, I feel like it will be an explosion. But I am feeling sad and if I stop and go deeper, rejected. 

I think you're making the right choice in respecting their "wishes" (whether they are genuine or not). I also think it's normal to feel sad and rejected, but I suspect those feelings are coming from the relationship as a whole versus this particular round of the silent treatment/rejection game they are playing. It's yet another wave of realization that they aren't capable of giving you the love and acceptance that parents should give their children. That they can't ever really be there for you. That even the smallest perceived slight means they will always retreat back into their game of, "Come grovel and beg to make me feel important." It's a really hard thing to come to terms with, especially once you go through a few rounds and realize there is very little chance things will ever be different.

In the meantime, I would suggest focusing on you and take very good care of yourself.

Thank you, Cat of the Canals! I am doing just that. :) Even though I am sad Nparent is trying to hurt me and choosing to push me away, it has been a nice break to be away from their negative, draining energy. I hope that one day their soul can heal from underneath all the heavy layers of pain, but I know that's not my responsibility to fix them. Their game hasn't worked for some time now (last year they said to my CD parent that they know I don't love them any more because I no longer cry, this year they are saying I just plain hate them) and I think this is a pulling out all the stops effort to get me to be the compliant, obedient, brainless angel they so very miss.

*

Cat of the Canals

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 697
Re: Currently not welcome at my parents house
« Reply #7 on: August 07, 2021, 08:04:01 PM »
(last year they said to my CD parent that they know I don't love them any more because I no longer cry, this year they are saying I just plain hate them)

No longer cry... in reaction to their abuse, I presume? That is so twisted. It's interesting that when we stop reacting, they interpret that as not loving them/hating them. It says a lot about their concept of love: I am cruel to you -> You get upset -> I know that you care what I think -> That means you love me.  :stars:

*

cheerfulgiverlove

  • New Member
  • *
  • 16
Re: Currently not welcome at my parents house
« Reply #8 on: August 07, 2021, 08:25:38 PM »
(last year they said to my CD parent that they know I don't love them any more because I no longer cry, this year they are saying I just plain hate them)

No longer cry... in reaction to their abuse, I presume? That is so twisted. It's interesting that when we stop reacting, they interpret that as not loving them/hating them. It says a lot about their concept of love: I am cruel to you -> You get upset -> I know that you care what I think -> That means you love me.  :stars:

Yup. Last year they called me to tell me I wasn't allowed over their house until further notice, because I bring stress into their life. We had a calm conversation that I (stupidly) thought was going well.  The next day my CD parent called me shrieking "What is going on?!?!" and it was at the start of the pandemic so I thought they were referring to that, and they said "NO!! with my family!! you don't love Nparent anymore!" and they said to me that Nparent believes that because I didn't cry and beg not to be banned, then I must not love them anymore.  It's a sickening dynamic but it is truly how our relationship was my whole life. Most conversations would end up with them angry and yelling.  Sometimes I would "talk back" because I thought I was standing my ground, not allowing them to treat me in certain ways, but now I look back and see that was just two wrongs. I would always cry, feel totally lost, and it would end with me conceding and them being satisfied with the visible emotional turmoil they caused. They only know toxic "love", and equate anxious, heightened emotions with caring and loyalty.

*

Andeza

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1119
Re: Currently not welcome at my parents house
« Reply #9 on: August 07, 2021, 08:51:11 PM »
You might want to peruse this thread as well: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=88951.0

We explored the various reasons that the disordered parent demands tears from the child. It's one of the more messed up parts of the disorder, in my opinion. This is, of course, just non-boundaried people flipping out over being handed boundaries. My favorite mental image is of the PDparent taking the boundary, throwing it on the ground, and jumping up and down on it like a cartoon character having a fit. Seeing a little humor in the situation can be helpful. When they "behaved" for a period of time and you didn't remove all the boundaries, that probably triggered a meltdown. Oh well. Their emotions, their chosen reaction, not really a lot you can do about that. Not really much you should try to do either. Mostly just stay the course, stay strong, and protect yourself from the disfunction. I like the self care recommendation, too. Sometimes when we're stressed, we forget to just do something nice for us. Heck, sometimes we have to figure out what that even looks like. :bighug:
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

*

cheerfulgiverlove

  • New Member
  • *
  • 16
Re: Currently not welcome at my parents house
« Reply #10 on: August 08, 2021, 04:37:29 PM »
You might want to peruse this thread as well: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=88951.0

We explored the various reasons that the disordered parent demands tears from the child. It's one of the more messed up parts of the disorder, in my opinion. This is, of course, just non-boundaried people flipping out over being handed boundaries. My favorite mental image is of the PDparent taking the boundary, throwing it on the ground, and jumping up and down on it like a cartoon character having a fit. Seeing a little humor in the situation can be helpful. When they "behaved" for a period of time and you didn't remove all the boundaries, that probably triggered a meltdown. Oh well. Their emotions, their chosen reaction, not really a lot you can do about that. Not really much you should try to do either. Mostly just stay the course, stay strong, and protect yourself from the disfunction. I like the self care recommendation, too. Sometimes when we're stressed, we forget to just do something nice for us. Heck, sometimes we have to figure out what that even looks like. :bighug:

Thanks for your response, Andeza  :) 

*

nanotech

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 898
Re: Currently not welcome at my parents house
« Reply #11 on: August 08, 2021, 08:18:16 PM »
Yes me too. Currently banned from my dadís house. I was previously banned from their house when my mum was dying. At her behest, I had asked my GCbrother to consider bringing his wedding forward, and he complained viciously about me to my parents. I had apparently Ďruined his engagementí. When I protested that mum had asked me to suggest this to him, she then denied it. ( scared of upsetting the GC).
There followed a truly horrible year full of gaslighting, that ended in my mumís death.
I remained scapegoated, though I had eventually been allowed to see mum, as long as I didnít keep insisting that sheíd asked me to do it when Ďclearly I was lyingí.
So I went on a sort of probation, where I had to tacitly agree that I was this really awful person who bullied my brother callously and then lied about it by blaming it on my sick mother. Omg.

This latest banning has been very triggering for me. I havenít seen him for 18 months due to the pandemic.
He clearly hasnít got that ache to see me that I had for my children and grandchildren. I have!
Iíd love to give him a hug! 
 Heís told me I can only visit when heís got his test results for his ongoing health issue. The reason is that he wants to talk about the results and Iím the Ďbestí person for that because Iím Ďsensible and a good listenerí. ( false flattery to reel me in. I used to fall for this Ď hooveringí but not these days). I think heís hoping to enlist me as chief caregiver.

Heís just so conditional. Itís everything. I rang him at 11 and that wasnít good because he Ďhas a shave thení. So I rang at 10.30 and that was ..ífar too earlyí. 11.30 and  heís still shaving.
After 12 heís gone out. His meal  times are anyoneís guess but hey Iím  supposed to be psychic; so of course I often ring in the middle of them, and then I get the Ďyouíve failedí speech once more. These Ďsmallí criticisms are just like murder by a thousand cuts.
 The Ďyouíve failedí speech also applies to gifts, train routes ( never again)  venues booked, house moves Iíve made, parenting choices Iíve made, career choices Iíve made, health issues Iíve had, etc.

My biggest error was and is, loving my children and grandchildren unconditionally.

He hates that.

I went round once, and I was several minutes early. He opened the door and was horribly grumpy and miserable with me because he was still in his pyjamas.That was all my fault because I had said Iíd be there ten minutes after the hour, not just before.
 Iíd just done an hourís drive in unpredictable traffic. I didnít tootle in from two streets away. The expectations are always set so ridiculously high. We are set up to fail. Then they like to tell us how weíve failed and why.

I do think they get huge supply out of our protests and /or our tears. Iím glad you were calm. If they only stopped craving such toxic feedback, they could have real love instead.
Sigh.

Iím sorry youíre going through this with your parents. Itís horrible. But yes Iím in agreement with others . Itís better to be the free scapegoat than their favoured co dependent. Itís far less comfortable at first, but it leads to contentment,
My dadís going to get a shock when I donít drop everything and come running when he finally deigns to let me in his house.
« Last Edit: August 08, 2021, 08:36:58 PM by nanotech »

*

Tribe16

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 33
Re: Currently not welcome at my parents house
« Reply #12 on: August 08, 2021, 11:18:42 PM »
CheerfulGiverLove,

I haven't been banned by my parents yet, but I am not welcome. I live 1000 miles away and went out in April and June. uPD mom was pretty awful to me.

Have you read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by LIndsay Gibson? That book is a game changer for me. I have highlighted so much stuff on there, I can't help but wonder if she was a spy in our house  ;)

If you have read it, my mom is the driven parent and my dad is the passive parent. Before this afternoon, I hadn't talked to mom for about 7 weeks. Not because I hadn't tried, but because she was out, napping, busy, etc. And I always talk to Dad, who is medically pretty frail right now and goes along to get along to not incur mom's wrath. Come to think of it, we've all gone along to get along to not incur mom's wrath. Anyway, today I finally spoke to mom. The conversation must have been less than 5 minutes. She was cold, gave a lot of 1 word answers. Asked about my husband (his birthday was yesterday) and asked about my kids. Never asked a thing about me. Nothing. Crickets. Wanted to know why I was calling in an annoyed voice. To my credit, I was calm. I practiced JADE. She made a comment that she didn't know why I was asking to speak to her since Dad keeps her apprised of things and she can see my Facebook.  When asked how she was doing, she asks "What has your father told you?" - Not wanting to get my Dad in any trouble, I calmly said, "I'm calling you to find out from you how you are doing." To which she replies flatly, "Fine." She is then ready to end the call and asks if I want to to talk to Dad again. I say "Sure, take care mom."

Proud that I didn't say "Why are you acting like this?", etc etc etc, which was my past behavior before I started reading up on PDs and joining OOTF and learning about the toolbox. No JADEs from me today.

After the call, I felt really deflated. It sucks to be rejected by your mother.

In an effort to make myself feel better, I did this journaling exercise - I find that writing and offloading it out of my brain really helps. This isn't the first time I've used this, but at times it is very helpful for me.   I'm coming at this from a Christian perspective, so if my particular situation doesn't help you, you can still do the exercises (IN CAPS) and maybe it will help you. I hope it will. I will share my journaling from today below:
--------------------
1.   SEE IT. What I see is my mom again lets me know she is not interested in talking with me.
2.   SAY IT. Tribe16, mom is not interested in a relationship right now. She finds out what she wants to know via social media and Dad. It is enough for her.
3.   SENSE IT. I have an icky feeling in my gut. Iím noticing my shoulders are slumped. I feel sad.
4.   STAY WITH IT. I donít like this feeling. Mentally, I know it will pass but it doesnít feel very good right now.
5.   RELAX INTO IT. Iím ok. It hurts, but I am ok. Deep breaths. (And I do practice deep breathing at this point)
6.   RECONNECT WITH THE REALITY. This is what I know to be real. I kept the commandment to honor my parents today. I prayed for them today. I reached out to them today. Unfortunately my efforts are met with disinterest and coldness from Mom. This is momís problem and I donít have to make it my problem. My hurt can be momentary, and they I can move on and focus on my blessings. In the whole of my attention, this hurt is deserving of a tiny little portion. It is not deserving of consuming me.
7.   REFRAME THE EXPERIENCE MORE OBJECTIVELY. I called to check on my parents after not speaking with mom for weeks. Our phone call was very brief due to my motherís inability or unwillingness to improve upon our relationship. This is her choice and she has a right to her choices. My choice was to be kind. My choice was to be calm and non-apologetic. I accomplished those things. I have left the door open in case she ever changes her mind. I understand that she may never do that and thatís ok. Her behavior is something out of my control. My behavior and attitude are completely within my control. I handled this in an appropriate manner and have nothing to be ashamed of.
8.   BECOME PRESENT AGAIN. I know the Lord is aware of me and of my mom. He knows I tried. I have lots of other things to occupy my time and my mind right now. Nothing more to see or do here. Put this experience away, itís ok to do that. What will I accomplish this afternoon?

*

SunnyMeadow

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 970
Re: Currently not welcome at my parents house
« Reply #13 on: August 09, 2021, 10:52:04 AM »
Thanks for sharing your journaling Tribe16. Very inspiring and I can see how this is helpful when going through tough emotions.

*

nanotech

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 898
Re: Currently not welcome at my parents house
« Reply #14 on: August 09, 2021, 12:00:52 PM »
CheerfulGiverLove,

I haven't been banned by my parents yet, but I am not welcome. I live 1000 miles away and went out in April and June. uPD mom was pretty awful to me.

Have you read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by LIndsay Gibson? That book is a game changer for me. I have highlighted so much stuff on there, I can't help but wonder if she was a spy in our house  ;)

If you have read it, my mom is the driven parent and my dad is the passive parent. Before this afternoon, I hadn't talked to mom for about 7 weeks. Not because I hadn't tried, but because she was out, napping, busy, etc. And I always talk to Dad, who is medically pretty frail right now and goes along to get along to not incur mom's wrath. Come to think of it, we've all gone along to get along to not incur mom's wrath. Anyway, today I finally spoke to mom. The conversation must have been less than 5 minutes. She was cold, gave a lot of 1 word answers. Asked about my husband (his birthday was yesterday) and asked about my kids. Never asked a thing about me. Nothing. Crickets. Wanted to know why I was calling in an annoyed voice. To my credit, I was calm. I practiced JADE. She made a comment that she didn't know why I was asking to speak to her since Dad keeps her apprised of things and she can see my Facebook.  When asked how she was doing, she asks "What has your father told you?" - Not wanting to get my Dad in any trouble, I calmly said, "I'm calling you to find out from you how you are doing." To which she replies flatly, "Fine." She is then ready to end the call and asks if I want to to talk to Dad again. I say "Sure, take care mom."

Proud that I didn't say "Why are you acting like this?", etc etc etc, which was my past behavior before I started reading up on PDs and joining OOTF and learning about the toolbox. No JADEs from me today.

After the call, I felt really deflated. It sucks to be rejected by your mother.

In an effort to make myself feel better, I did this journaling exercise - I find that writing and offloading it out of my brain really helps. This isn't the first time I've used this, but at times it is very helpful for me.   I'm coming at this from a Christian perspective, so if my particular situation doesn't help you, you can still do the exercises (IN CAPS) and maybe it will help you. I hope it will. I will share my journaling from today below:
--------------------
1.   SEE IT. What I see is my mom again lets me know she is not interested in talking with me.
2.   SAY IT. Tribe16, mom is not interested in a relationship right now. She finds out what she wants to know via social media and Dad. It is enough for her.
3.   SENSE IT. I have an icky feeling in my gut. Iím noticing my shoulders are slumped. I feel sad.
4.   STAY WITH IT. I donít like this feeling. Mentally, I know it will pass but it doesnít feel very good right now.
5.   RELAX INTO IT. Iím ok. It hurts, but I am ok. Deep breaths. (And I do practice deep breathing at this point)
6.   RECONNECT WITH THE REALITY. This is what I know to be real. I kept the commandment to honor my parents today. I prayed for them today. I reached out to them today. Unfortunately my efforts are met with disinterest and coldness from Mom. This is momís problem and I donít have to make it my problem. My hurt can be momentary, and they I can move on and focus on my blessings. In the whole of my attention, this hurt is deserving of a tiny little portion. It is not deserving of consuming me.
7.   REFRAME THE EXPERIENCE MORE OBJECTIVELY. I called to check on my parents after not speaking with mom for weeks. Our phone call was very brief due to my motherís inability or unwillingness to improve upon our relationship. This is her choice and she has a right to her choices. My choice was to be kind. My choice was to be calm and non-apologetic. I accomplished those things. I have left the door open in case she ever changes her mind. I understand that she may never do that and thatís ok. Her behavior is something out of my control. My behavior and attitude are completely within my control. I handled this in an appropriate manner and have nothing to be ashamed of.
8.   BECOME PRESENT AGAIN. I know the Lord is aware of me and of my mom. He knows I tried. I have lots of other things to occupy my time and my mind right now. Nothing more to see or do here. Put this experience away, itís ok to do that. What will I accomplish this afternoon?

Absolutely amazing advice here for the op cheerfulgiver.Iím ordering ĎAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parentsí too, today , thank you tribe16
« Last Edit: August 09, 2021, 12:02:30 PM by nanotech »

*

cheerfulgiverlove

  • New Member
  • *
  • 16
Re: Currently not welcome at my parents house
« Reply #15 on: August 09, 2021, 02:38:22 PM »
Yes me too. Currently banned from my dadís house. I was previously banned from their house when my mum was dying. At her behest, I had asked my GCbrother to consider bringing his wedding forward, and he complained viciously about me to my parents. I had apparently Ďruined his engagementí. When I protested that mum had asked me to suggest this to him, she then denied it. ( scared of upsetting the GC).
There followed a truly horrible year full of gaslighting, that ended in my mumís death.
I remained scapegoated, though I had eventually been allowed to see mum, as long as I didnít keep insisting that sheíd asked me to do it when Ďclearly I was lyingí.
So I went on a sort of probation, where I had to tacitly agree that I was this really awful person who bullied my brother callously and then lied about it by blaming it on my sick mother. Omg.

This latest banning has been very triggering for me. I havenít seen him for 18 months due to the pandemic.
He clearly hasnít got that ache to see me that I had for my children and grandchildren. I have!
Iíd love to give him a hug! 
 Heís told me I can only visit when heís got his test results for his ongoing health issue. The reason is that he wants to talk about the results and Iím the Ďbestí person for that because Iím Ďsensible and a good listenerí. ( false flattery to reel me in. I used to fall for this Ď hooveringí but not these days). I think heís hoping to enlist me as chief caregiver.

Heís just so conditional. Itís everything. I rang him at 11 and that wasnít good because he Ďhas a shave thení. So I rang at 10.30 and that was ..ífar too earlyí. 11.30 and  heís still shaving.
After 12 heís gone out. His meal  times are anyoneís guess but hey Iím  supposed to be psychic; so of course I often ring in the middle of them, and then I get the Ďyouíve failedí speech once more. These Ďsmallí criticisms are just like murder by a thousand cuts.
 The Ďyouíve failedí speech also applies to gifts, train routes ( never again)  venues booked, house moves Iíve made, parenting choices Iíve made, career choices Iíve made, health issues Iíve had, etc.

My biggest error was and is, loving my children and grandchildren unconditionally.

He hates that.

I went round once, and I was several minutes early. He opened the door and was horribly grumpy and miserable with me because he was still in his pyjamas.That was all my fault because I had said Iíd be there ten minutes after the hour, not just before.
 Iíd just done an hourís drive in unpredictable traffic. I didnít tootle in from two streets away. The expectations are always set so ridiculously high. We are set up to fail. Then they like to tell us how weíve failed and why.

I do think they get huge supply out of our protests and /or our tears. Iím glad you were calm. If they only stopped craving such toxic feedback, they could have real love instead.
Sigh.

Iím sorry youíre going through this with your parents. Itís horrible. But yes Iím in agreement with others . Itís better to be the free scapegoat than their favoured co dependent. Itís far less comfortable at first, but it leads to contentment,
My dadís going to get a shock when I donít drop everything and come running when he finally deigns to let me in his house.

Thanks for sharing, nanotech. The demands are so exhausting. I can completely relate to the feeling of death by a thousand cuts.  These small little things that don't seem like a big deal on their own, but over time they are crushing.  What you wrote about the conditions with time reminded me that when I was welcome over, nparent would be mad if I was a few minutes late or a few minutes early.  Then I would get anxiety if I was running late, or when I was early I would sit in my car to time my arrival into their door on the dot.  And of course none of it mattered in the end. There wasn't really anything important to be on time for, it was just about control.  :(

*

cheerfulgiverlove

  • New Member
  • *
  • 16
Re: Currently not welcome at my parents house
« Reply #16 on: August 09, 2021, 02:41:52 PM »
CheerfulGiverLove,

I haven't been banned by my parents yet, but I am not welcome. I live 1000 miles away and went out in April and June. uPD mom was pretty awful to me.

Have you read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by LIndsay Gibson? That book is a game changer for me. I have highlighted so much stuff on there, I can't help but wonder if she was a spy in our house  ;)

If you have read it, my mom is the driven parent and my dad is the passive parent. Before this afternoon, I hadn't talked to mom for about 7 weeks. Not because I hadn't tried, but because she was out, napping, busy, etc. And I always talk to Dad, who is medically pretty frail right now and goes along to get along to not incur mom's wrath. Come to think of it, we've all gone along to get along to not incur mom's wrath. Anyway, today I finally spoke to mom. The conversation must have been less than 5 minutes. She was cold, gave a lot of 1 word answers. Asked about my husband (his birthday was yesterday) and asked about my kids. Never asked a thing about me. Nothing. Crickets. Wanted to know why I was calling in an annoyed voice. To my credit, I was calm. I practiced JADE. She made a comment that she didn't know why I was asking to speak to her since Dad keeps her apprised of things and she can see my Facebook.  When asked how she was doing, she asks "What has your father told you?" - Not wanting to get my Dad in any trouble, I calmly said, "I'm calling you to find out from you how you are doing." To which she replies flatly, "Fine." She is then ready to end the call and asks if I want to to talk to Dad again. I say "Sure, take care mom."

Proud that I didn't say "Why are you acting like this?", etc etc etc, which was my past behavior before I started reading up on PDs and joining OOTF and learning about the toolbox. No JADEs from me today.

After the call, I felt really deflated. It sucks to be rejected by your mother.

In an effort to make myself feel better, I did this journaling exercise - I find that writing and offloading it out of my brain really helps. This isn't the first time I've used this, but at times it is very helpful for me.   I'm coming at this from a Christian perspective, so if my particular situation doesn't help you, you can still do the exercises (IN CAPS) and maybe it will help you. I hope it will. I will share my journaling from today below:
--------------------
1.   SEE IT. What I see is my mom again lets me know she is not interested in talking with me.
2.   SAY IT. Tribe16, mom is not interested in a relationship right now. She finds out what she wants to know via social media and Dad. It is enough for her.
3.   SENSE IT. I have an icky feeling in my gut. Iím noticing my shoulders are slumped. I feel sad.
4.   STAY WITH IT. I donít like this feeling. Mentally, I know it will pass but it doesnít feel very good right now.
5.   RELAX INTO IT. Iím ok. It hurts, but I am ok. Deep breaths. (And I do practice deep breathing at this point)
6.   RECONNECT WITH THE REALITY. This is what I know to be real. I kept the commandment to honor my parents today. I prayed for them today. I reached out to them today. Unfortunately my efforts are met with disinterest and coldness from Mom. This is momís problem and I donít have to make it my problem. My hurt can be momentary, and they I can move on and focus on my blessings. In the whole of my attention, this hurt is deserving of a tiny little portion. It is not deserving of consuming me.
7.   REFRAME THE EXPERIENCE MORE OBJECTIVELY. I called to check on my parents after not speaking with mom for weeks. Our phone call was very brief due to my motherís inability or unwillingness to improve upon our relationship. This is her choice and she has a right to her choices. My choice was to be kind. My choice was to be calm and non-apologetic. I accomplished those things. I have left the door open in case she ever changes her mind. I understand that she may never do that and thatís ok. Her behavior is something out of my control. My behavior and attitude are completely within my control. I handled this in an appropriate manner and have nothing to be ashamed of.
8.   BECOME PRESENT AGAIN. I know the Lord is aware of me and of my mom. He knows I tried. I have lots of other things to occupy my time and my mind right now. Nothing more to see or do here. Put this experience away, itís ok to do that. What will I accomplish this afternoon?

This brought tears to my eyes.  Thank you, Tribe16.  I ordered the book, and will use this exercise.  Yes, I wouldn't be awake without the grace of God and couldn't make it through this without God.  Thank you!