I’m new here and thrilled to have found this well-moderated forum.

[Utterly Human]

I have read a number of messages and am struck by the calming tone. Thank you for providing this much needed space.

I was raised by an abusive mother with BPD and Bi-polar. We were estranged for 14 years and re-established a relationship with clear boundaries on my part 16 years ago.  I am married to a man (second marriage no kids together) who was recently diagnosed with BPD traits.

I sought out this group because I need to communicate with others who understand the experience of having loved ones with personality disorders. 

It's been a tough year.  My brother (who is bi-polar) died 9 months ago which caused a chain reaction of emotional turmoil in my already highly dysfunctional family.  My mother had a psychotic break, including hallucinations, delusions, etc. My brothers' daughters, one has BPD and the other has bi-polar, spiraled to a pretty dark place and his uBPD son to a violent place.  My other siblings stirred the family pot and then withdrew.

My role with my mother and nieces since my brother's death has been to validate their feelings and then take some extended down time to recover between contact.  I have not had any contact with my nephew because of the violence.

My husband's diagnosis has been the hardest for me to come to terms with. I'm mourning "what could have been."  I've been overwhelmed with emotion, sad, grieving etc. and have had difficulty finding people who understand mental illness/personality disorders enough to actively listen and offer a calming sounding board rather than inappropriate advice.  Just reading some of the information and posts have been validating for me. Thanks!

Although I have had a lifetime of excellent therapy (including now), sometimes I feel like I am swimming in a sea of mental illness and I need a stable place to hold on to.

[Andeza]

I gotta say, it does seem you're swimming in a sea of mental illness. I can't even imagine what that must feel like some days, but I'm sure "overwhelming" applies. Welcome, glad you found us, sorry you need us.

Feel free to join us in the subforums for more eyes, more experience, more support from people that know what this feels like.

My own mother is uBPD. When my enabler dad divorced her some years ago, I found myself in the damage control seat. It nearly destroyed me. It was too much. I couldn't be her therapist and handle my parents divorcing, and all the other things that were happening in my life at the same time. I had to take a step back. I had to limit contact a bit at that point to preserve my sanity. So I set times that I would call her or accept calls, limited the duration, and then she tried to hold on even harder. Physical distance was helpful, but I don't know if you have that.

It may be beneficial, as you are looking at your current situation, to evaluate just how much you can take before you hit a point where it's overwhelming, and then scale back to that point for your self-preservation.

[Utterly Human]

Andeza, Thank you for your reply and validation. 

Yes, I do get some physical distance. I only answer calls from and/or see my family members when I feel refreshed enough to do so - which is often weeks in between and I do limit the time during each visit.

I have also started spending weekends away from my husband, which he has not fought, as well as other taking care of me away from him exercises like seeing my friends, retreating to a room that is just for me, hiking, long walks, etc.  My current circumstances still involve a lot of emotional processing that I do largely on my own.  I will definitely check out the subforums for as you said, "more eyes, more experience, more support from people that know what this feels like."

Thank you!

[Starboard Song]

Welcome to this space. We get it.

Take yourself to the Toolbox for great tactics, and the Overview for a deeper introduction into the types of personalities we address. I sometimes find both of these pages helpful yet again after an incident.

I suspect that you need one thing more than tactics for dealing with these folks: I suspect you need some self-care. We are all different of course, but I highly recommend the books in the TOP line of my signature for that important self-care. They aren't about mental illness, abuse, or dysfunction. They are about you, and how people get and stay happy or positive.

May this community rise and shine for you.

Be good. Be strong.

[thduda]

Hi Utterly human,

I too have found this to be a welcoming and calm space to deal with the often chaotic situations and thoughts that being around people with mental illness causes.  My mom was severely bipolar and I know all too well the pain of watching a loved one have psychotic breaks and do dangerous things. That is really hard!!

Growing up with a severely bipolar mother and a father with severe NPD and a sibling with NPD I can relate to that feeling that you are surrounded by dysfunction.

Your post shows that you are a person who has a clear understanding of the situation, and that you have strength, and resilience!

I look forward to hearing more from you!