Red flag behaviours

[Boat Babe]

I am at a festival with a bunch of friends. One of our number has brought his very volatile gf and I am watching PD madness play out before my eyes. What's most difficult is seeing my good friend being played and in turmoil. I've had a few chats with him over the past weeks about all this, without mentioning the PD words but just focusing on her behaviours and his feelings. I will continue to do so for as long as he needs it and wants to talk about it.  Meanwhile, I am observing and ticking red flags in my head.

She is compulsively flirting with EVERY male in the group and beyond. The guys are really uncomfortable with it and everybody is embarrassed for our friend.

She is doing classic mirroring of the values and culture of our group, but not very well. Also embarrassing.  What I am seeing here is a real internal emptiness behind the false self. Here I feel really sorry for her.

She is blowing hot and cold with our friend in really quick cycles. There'll be conflict and weirdness, then she wants to get physically close to him as if nothing's happened.

The cherry on the cake for me was a faux apology about an incident involving my then bf a few weeks ago. At a similar gathering, on the very day that he and I were having a difficult but necessary conversation about our relationship and where it wasn't going, she had been outrageously flirting with him (again infront of her my friend and myself) Anyway, I think my friend pushed her to apologize and she also knows that I have status in the group as an elder and she doesn't want to piss me off. So I get this faux apology and then, this is the red flag clincher for me, she looked at me with puppy dog eyes and said "Help me to be a better person".  Normally if someone said that I'd be so happy to hear they were reaching out for help, but in this case I KNOW that it means nothing. Well, it means an attempt at manipulation.

I think my radar is pretty spot on. Do you guys agee?

[Hazy111]

Yes, once you know the tell tales its hard to ignore. The things they say and do.

[escapingman]

 

Since I got Out of the FOG I have started to see a lot of suspected PD people all round and also some I interacted with in the past and which explains why things happened like they did. I don't really care if they are PD or not just for me to make sure I am careful and not let my guard down around them.

[Cat of the Canals]

So I get this faux apology and then, this is the red flag clincher for me, she looked at me with puppy dog eyes and said "Help me to be a better person". 

Everything you mentioned was suspect, but to me, this is also the clincher. It doesn't sound like you have a very close relationship with this person, and this comment strikes as very overly familiar (i.e. inappropriate boundaries). "Help me be a better person" is the kind of thing I might say to a significant other, family member, or VERY close friend under very specific circumstances. That's if she meant it genuinely. But I suspect she did not. I've noticed that PDmom and PDmil are very fond of platitudes. Phrases that sound good out loud, but there is no sincerity behind them. That's what this sounds like to me.

[losingmyself]

I get teased a lot, and this is how it makes me feel. That  "help me be a better person" statement made me angry. I think I would have said that it wasn't in my abilities.

[Boat Babe]

I get teased a lot, and this is how it makes me feel. That  "help me be a better person" statement made me angry. I think I would have said that it wasn't in my abilities.

That would have been a good one! I actually said nothing to that and moved the conversation on.

Oh and another one. I had to tell her that I was very pissed off with her flirting with my ex. She literally climbed on him to do some bloody yoga, it was jaw dropping. She then said two things. Red flag 1: "I didn't know he was your boyfriend". She bloody did. Everybody did. Red flag 2: "Oh, that's just who I am." Yeah, right, that's what I'm objecting to.

I feel for my friend right now.

[Boat Babe]

So I get this faux apology and then, this is the red flag clincher for me, she looked at me with puppy dog eyes and said "Help me to be a better person". 

Everything you mentioned was suspect, but to me, this is also the clincher. It doesn't sound like you have a very close relationship with this person, and this comment strikes as very overly familiar (i.e. inappropriate boundaries). "Help me be a better person" is the kind of thing I might say to a significant other, family member, or VERY close friend under very specific circumstances. That's if she meant it genuinely. But I suspect she did not. I've noticed that PDmom and PDmil are very fond of platitudes. Phrases that sound good out loud, but there is no sincerity behind them. That's what this sounds like to me.

You're damn right about how "out of kilter" her request is, given we've hung out, in a big group, some five/six times max. I kinda avoided her from the start as I didn't warm to her at all. There is no connection between us to warrant that  kind of request.

[notrightinthehead]

Reading your post I could just feel my caretaker come to life and get ready to jump into action.  "Help me become a better person" would have been such a temptation! Well done for you to behave in a healthy and sensible way.  You are doing the healthy thing - you observe, draw your conclusions and behave in a self protective manner.  As for your friend,  he has got you to seed some doubts in his mind. For now, he seems to enjoy the turmoil. Eventually he will tire of it.  Not your circus - you are taking care of yourself first.

[1footouttadefog]

Wow, I cannot type the words that come to mind.

She certainly seems to be draped in red flags.