Should I stay or should I go?

[Adria]

MIL is going into surgery next week.  She is in her mid 90's, so anything can happen.  Dh is going up to visit. I usually do not travel with him to visit his family because they have never let me in and it is always a very unwelcoming experience.

Dh asked me to go with him this time. He never has before, so it must be important to him.  I'm really afraid of being trapped with these people, let alone the stress of flying and my health issues.  It's very difficult to go back to my home town because I've been estranged from my family as well for nearly 30 years.  The anxiety of running into people who will question me, or even worse glare at me in a restaurant is nauseating. 

I don't know what to do. Any suggestions will be appreciated.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh, that's really tough. It's natural that your DH would want his wife with him for this visit, and natural that you want to be there for him. However... how much support would you realistically be able to offer him in these circumstances? It sounds like a great deal of energy would be expended just getting through the visit and then emotionally recovering afterwards, for both of you, whatever you decide.

It sounds like some honest risk/benefit analysis would be helpful here. What is the purpose of the visit, for both of you? If you go: What protections can you build in ahead of time? If you and/or your husband are in a triggered state during the visit, as seems highly likely, do you have an exit strategy that can be implemented without needing to think it through in the moment? How can you plan for self-care upon returning home? If you stay: Does DH have those kind of skills to take care of himself? (Not that that is your responsibility per se, just something to bring up ahead of time.) Can you offer support by phone and would that be beneficial?

Even with all these questions, if your heart is telling you "yes" or "no" that is also very important! I'm inferring the gut answer is "no" from your post, but that might not be accurate. Either way, you have options to offer support AND take care of you, and either answer is okay.

[bloomie]

Hi Adria.

Cordelia has already hit on so many important things to consider and think through.

I wanted to gently suggest that whatever decision you make... make it from love. For yourself and others. Not from a place of fear.

You are not who you were 30 years ago. You are an empowered, equipped, person who has tools and boundaries and maturity to handle whatever life brings you. Someone side eyes you at a restaurant? You smile and wave and go on about your life or you ignore, ignore, ignore. They cannot hurt you with their nonsense unless you let them.

I approach these kinds of things with my H's family from one stance only... I am my DH's wife and mother of my children. I am not a daughter, sister, true family member to my H's family. That perspective frees me from FOG in that regard because he is my only connection with these folks.

I am in unity with him and will focus my priorities on supporting him, our children, and we keep our health and well-being as an important factor. That may be I am physically right by his side, or that may be me staying at a distance... but, either way we have learned to put strong limits on what we engage in and how we engage.

The great thing about all of this is you get to choose! You are in the drivers seat of your life! Do what is best and right for you and your DH and if it is go, then trust yourself and each other to get through it with grace, tact, strength, dignity, and love. Let us know what you decide and how things go.

Strength and much wisdom to you in the coming days!

[Adria]

Hi Cordelia and Bloomie

Thank you both so much for jumping on.  As usual, your thoughtful and caring support is spot on and then some.  I really needed to read what you both wrote today.  

I have decided to go. It will be quite stressful. PD SIL is already starting up drama. It will be a rather lonely experience as I can't escape and see my family. However, I can escape to the beach if need be. It is beautiful up there.  And, yes, I am older, empowered and better equipped now and can use the tools I've learned here to handle every situation, I hope.  I can see the strain off of dh's face, so I'm sure he appreciates me going. I know he would do it for me.  I've managed to stay home the last few times he's gone, so I will take this one for the team.

I also read to dh your wonderful responses. We discussed some of the thoughts and questions you both brought up. I think the trick is to not let them separate us or get us arguing (their favorite MO), and to have back up plans in place. DH appreciated your thoughts on this as well. You have given us both much strength and peace.

You're the best!  Hugs, Adria

[Boat Babe]

Given the predictability of the PDs in our lives, and your knowledge of your DH's family you can probably imagine situations that might arise and prepare for them. As a useful exercise have a talk with your DH about what you will and won't accept on the visit and how you will honour your boundaries and protect yourselves and each other. Even think about some useful grey rock style phrases. Chances are they'll ramp up the abuse as a result of not getting supply, so maybe have a "get the hell out of here" plan too.

This is also an opportunity to do some really serious, long distance walking on that beautiful beach. Good luck.

[Adria]

Thanks Boat Babe,

We did have a little sit down this evening.  I stated my boundaries, and how I might respond if things got out of control.  He agreed. So, I'm in the clear there.  I think you are right about them ramping up the abuse because I've stayed away for so long. They are probably chomping at the bit.  We are honing in on our "get the hell out of here" plan, and we have actually laughed a little about it. Dh can be so serious when it comes to his family.
I will be checking out some grey rock phases when I'm done here as well. Good idea. I need to brush up.  And that walk on the beautiful beach . . . . . .

[SeaSalt]

Dear Adria,

Is there any old friend that you could call and ask to spend some time with you while you are there, so that you are not ever alone with people that cause you so much stress. Or is there anyone that could even travel with you?
I was recently in my hometown, my relationship with my FOO been completely messed up and with NC on /off for 10 years. Now I am NC beyond reparation and going to my hometown was quite stressful. At the end, once I was there I felt strong. I wish you that. Know that you will know how to deal with anything that comes. No need to worry or try to predict it in advance what might happen. One step at the time and in any moment when you can take care of yourself.

I wish you strength.

[Fiasco]

I have a sinking feeling you will be staying at the in laws home? Consider a hotel, preferably in the next town over. Close enough for DH to drive back and forth easily, and far enough that when you can enjoy your walks in peace.

[Leonor]

I agree with our wise OoFers, as always.

You know, if you are dh's support person, you can be there for dh but not the circus.

You can be his go-to when he's had enough. You don't have to jump in the deep end with him.

For example, you have breakfast. He goes to wherever, and you hit the beach. At a certain time, you meet for lunch. He gets out of there to get to you, not the other way around.

That's what health and caring look like. You can model what healthy caring and visits look like.

And enjoy the beach.

[Adria]

Leonor, Fiasco and Sea Salt,

I just got back and unfortunately didn't see your replies until now.  Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses. You are great!  I was able to reconnect with an aunt and a couple of friends.  The circus left town for us, i.e. PD SIL, PD BIL and one of dh's problem children.  It was like a gift from God.  His mother was decent.  I know she would love to hate me, but I just didn't let her.  By the end, she was impressed by my suggestions and how I was able to help her.  She even told me she loved me. Hmmmm . . . I don't take it to heart, but, all and all it went well. And, yes, we did stay at a hotel in the next town over.  That was awesome!

Mainly, thanks to everyone here, and I will be printing all your responses out and keeping them for next time as a refresher, it ended up being a very nice trip.  Dh tends to want to make everything about work and everyone else.  I didn't let him. I made him walk the beach, walk the boardwalk, take me to dinner a few times, etc.  So, it ended up being quite nice. 

Again, thank you to everyone who responded.  I was very worried and stressed. You all gave me the support, tools and strength I needed, and now I don't think it will ever get to me like that again. 

P.S.  I drove by my narc father's house a few times.  Was soooo tempted to stop. Been estranged for nearly 30 years.  Dh talked me out of it.  I'm glad he did.  No good fruit would have came from it.  I think everything went so well that I thought maybe that might too, but that is a phantom in the night.

Thanks again my dear friends. This was a huge victory for me. Couldn't have done it without you. You are the best.

[Fiasco]

Sounds like a total success! What a relief

[Adria]

Fiasco,
It was a total success.  Dh and I were just reading the responses we didn't see before we left. We are so grateful for our friends here on the forum. You people make all the difference in these sticky situations.  We were actually saying. it felt more like a vacation than a caretaking extravaganza.  This was a first. We couldn't be happier because we took care of each other this time as well.

[bloomie]

Adria - what a wonderful update and trip you made it! Thankful to hear this!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, well done!!! As someone has who has made the (I believe necessary) decision to be fully NC, I'm always amazed by you who are able to claim your space in a difficult situation and rock it like you and DH did.

[Adria]

Bloomie, Call Me Cordelia,

Couldn't have done it without you.