BPD mom controlled access to non Pd father

[ChinupGraysquirrel]

Not sure where to begin. I found this forum and have been reading it since Christmas. Just observing, finding it all relatable

My BPD mom has cut my contact with my 80+ yr old dad.   She carries his phone when she leaves.  She deletes texts and emails. If I call she sends it to voicemail and erases the voicemails.  She erases the evidence of the call.  She hides is phone from him, or gives him hers. 

He has stated in emails he wants calls.
Now I don't know how to move forward.  When I went limited contact, she made it no contact for my dad and I.
He's in his last year.  She has a couple medical issues that might be helped with medication but she's in her last few months ro years.   I never imagined she'd cut he contact with their kids.  One brother is allowed through her communication embargo.  But he's the GC and never confronts her or pushes any issue.
If you all have any ideas I'd appreciate it.  My counselor saw her texts and suggested I call the elder care hotline. She's right that I should.  I just believe it won't stop her. She'll just find a way to block all my attempts.  I live too far away to go spontaneously to visit. I've not had much of a relationship with her the last 5 years other than superficial calls and going there with my siblings. 
Thanks SGS

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry your father is in this situation. It sounds alarming. Although there isn't much you can do, please do report the suspected abuse of your father. Here's some information: https://www.hhs.gov/answers/programs-for-families-and-children/how-do-i-report-elder-abuse/index.html

[1footouttadefog]

MYbe if an elder care situation was started, he could be placed in assisted living instead of being imprisoned.

[Leonor]

Hi Chip,

I'm sorry this is happening.

Sadly, it's not uncommon. If your dad is nearing the end of his life, your mum is probably trying to deal with her anxiety by controlling him even more. It's like she's cutting you out in order to hold onto him.

Whether or not you call is up to you, but I would also suggest that your dad has been with your mom for a long time, and even if he does not have a diagnosable disorder, he has certainly grown to accommodate hers. He may not want to leave his home;  he may not want to leave her. If he hasn't stood up to her to protect you in the past, it's not likely he will stand up to her now and talk to you or a social worker about what is happening. He may even "side with" her when confronted about it.

It's very sad. It may be shame based, it may be domestic abuse syndrome, or it may be that he has his own disorder that somehow complements hers.

So if you don't call, and decide to protect yourself and grieve the relationship, that is a very healing thing to do. You can't rescue him from her; that was never your job, and if that is what you feel you ought to do, that is a sign of the abuse that you've suffered all these years, not any possible abuse your dad is enduring now.

Be kind to yourself.

[JenniferSmith]

First, I am sorry you are dealing with this.   I empathize because I would have been in this exact situation had my father's partner out-lived him. Thankfully the horrid shrew died first.

Are you familiar with the story of Casey Kasem?   As he declined into Parkinson's, his wife blocked his children from contacting him or even knowing where he was. They are quite wealthy, so they pursued legal action against her and ultimately were able to visit him. You can read an overview of what they went through here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Casey_Kasem#Illness_and_death

His daughter has created the foundation Kasem Cares which is devoted to the issue of preventing isolation of elders from their adult children and other issues related to elder abuse.

This page, from their website, shows which states they have been able to get legislation passed on the issue  - https://www.kasemcares.org/legislations   - ideally your state would be on this list, and then you would know there is a law supporting your ability to have contact with him.